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Author Topic: What I wish I knew before marriage....  (Read 18677 times)

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Offline Ladislaus

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Re: What I wish I knew before marriage....
« Reply #30 on: January 30, 2019, 06:37:29 PM »
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    • Quote from: Matthew on January 06, 2019, 11:14:26 AM
    If every man who was attracted to women had a "vocation" to the married life, then only asɛҳuąƖs (defective) and fαɢɢօts (perverts) would be left to become priests. Ridiculous!

    Interestingly, I had a Traditional priest once probe me about a potential vocation to the priesthood (when I was making a Confession).  One of the things he asked me was, "Are you attracted to women?"  I was a bit confused by that question.  Am I not supposed to be?
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    Offline Ladislaus

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    Re: What I wish I knew before marriage....
    « Reply #31 on: January 30, 2019, 06:42:01 PM »
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    • Quote from: Cera on January 15, 2019, 03:44:59 PM
    Exactly. In one of the books I used when I taught Marriage class, the example was used of a woman who had breast cancer was facing possible loss of one or both breasts, and needed moral support. Had she turned to one of her female friends, they would have recognized her emotional overload and held her and let her cry.
    However, when she told her husband about her pain at the loss of her breast/s, he wanted to fix things, since God wired men to fix things. Her DH said "Well, you could always have breast reconstruction surgery."
    As a woman, you can imagine how that went over.
    Many men, hearing this, don't see what the problem was. He was just trying to help her.
    And he was.

    This is the typical "Men are from Mars" scenario.  Indeed, it took me many, many years to figure this out myself.  Even now I find myself slipping.  Something's wrong, and I see a solution, so I propose the solution.  Sometimes it even turns out that a solution was not even wanted, just sympathy.  In fact, I almost suspect that sometimes women don't want a solution because that would remove a reason to receive sympathy.   :)
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    Offline Marie Teresa

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    Re: What I wish I knew before marriage....
    « Reply #32 on: January 30, 2019, 08:31:08 PM »
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    • Quote from: Cera on January 15, 2019, 03:44:59 PM
    Exactly. In one of the books I used when I taught Marriage class, the example was used of a woman who had breast cancer was facing possible loss of one or both breasts, and needed moral support. Had she turned to one of her female friends, they would have recognized her emotional overload and held her and let her cry.
    However, when she told her husband about her pain at the loss of her breast/s, he wanted to fix things, since God wired men to fix things. Her DH said "Well, you could always have breast reconstruction surgery."
    As a woman, you can imagine how that went over.
    Many men, hearing this, don't see what the problem was. He was just trying to help her.
    And he was.
    Quote from: Ladislaus on January 30, 2019, 06:42:01 PM
    This is the typical "Men are from Mars" scenario.  Indeed, it took me many, many years to figure this out myself.  Even now I find myself slipping.  Something's wrong, and I see a solution, so I propose the solution.  Sometimes it even turns out that a solution was not even wanted, just sympathy.  In fact, I almost suspect that sometimes women don't want a solution because that would remove a reason to receive sympathy.   :)
    .
    Good points above.  Here's a video that relates to that....  ;)




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    Offline Geremia

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    Re: What I wish I knew before marriage....
    « Reply #33 on: January 30, 2019, 09:24:31 PM »
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    • Quote from: Ladislaus on January 30, 2019, 06:37:29 PM
    Interestingly, I had a Traditional priest once probe me about a potential vocation to the priesthood (when I was making a Confession).  One of the things he asked me was, "Are you attracted to women?"  I was a bit confused by that question.  Am I not supposed to be?
    Perhaps he meant: "Are you attracted to women [more than to prayer, etc.]?"
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    Offline Croixalist

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    Re: What I wish I knew before marriage....
    « Reply #34 on: January 31, 2019, 09:09:34 AM »
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    • Quote from: Marie Teresa on January 30, 2019, 08:31:08 PM
    .
    Good points above.  Here's a video that relates to that....  ;)


    Haha that's great! 
    I think it would be fair to say that women have a bigger emphasis on longsuffering which makes sense considering that they often are made to conform or adapt to the pace of others, so when things get bad they get stuck in ways most men don't, though they have more channels for relieving the stress then men do. Most of the time I think it's beneficial.The worst case might look something like that skit, where the woman really hasn't thought her situation over much at all, but doesn't have the maturity to take a little bit of good-natured advise because it makes her feel foolish. They treat their symptomatic feelings ahead of the root cause.
    Even when there are things men can't change in the near future, we usually break it down into scenarios, where it could be overcome and hope it happens. Or, we try to divert the helplessness by focusing on identifying the problem in a systematic way. That's if we don't take the stoic approach and just not talk about it with anyone. More than sympathy, most guys are looking to provide space for action with whoever we agree or disagree with. The immature male equivalent of the lady with the nail in her forehead might be a man who acts out emotionally on everything but the problem with a sledgehammer. 
    So sympathy sessions typically strengthen social ties between females, just as men strengthen friendships by throwing out solutions even if it means locking horns. And then there's marriage where all of this gets thrown into a blender anyway, lol.
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    Offline Ladislaus

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    Re: What I wish I knew before marriage....
    « Reply #35 on: January 31, 2019, 09:25:21 AM »
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    • Quote from: Geremia on January 30, 2019, 09:24:31 PM
    Perhaps he meant: "Are you attracted to women [more than to prayer, etc.]?"

    Perhaps.  That was 31 years ago now, and I'm married, so it's no longer relevant.   :)  I just recalled that incident after Matthew brought up that of course men considering a vocation are (should be) attracted to women.
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    Offline AnthonyPadua

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    Re: What I wish I knew before marriage....
    « Reply #36 on: February 19, 2025, 11:01:35 PM »
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    • Quote from: Ladislaus on January 30, 2019, 06:42:01 PM
    This is the typical "Men are from Mars" scenario.  Indeed, it took me many, many years to figure this out myself.  Even now I find myself slipping.  Something's wrong, and I see a solution, so I propose the solution.  Sometimes it even turns out that a solution was not even wanted, just sympathy.  In fact, I almost suspect that sometimes women don't want a solution because that would remove a reason to receive sympathy.  :)
    I saw that book recommended several times on cathinfo so I recently bought it. Currently reading through chapter 4 and while I think it has very useful advice I have noticed the secular and even feminist tendencies in it.

    Take this image, in the top bullet point. The context on this was setting and respecting limits/boundaries. I was quite shocked to see this example, a wife should never suggest going on a vacation alone, it was basically a threat. No if the wife really needs a vacation a good discussion with the husband should take place and never a threat of going alone, the implications of which are terrible. Personally I found this point to be very disrespectful to the husband I am not sure why the author included it.

    And some pages earlier it states, to quote;

    "Similarly, many women today are also tired of giving. They want time off. Time to explore being themselves. Time to care about themselves first."

    While this book was written many decades ago, as soon I see the expression or similar expressions to "explore being themselves" I get big alarms bells.

    Still so far I think the book has been worth it, I just need to be careful due to the secular nature of the work.
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    Offline Cera

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    Re: What I wish I knew before marriage....
    « Reply #37 on: February 20, 2025, 10:54:41 AM »
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    • Quote from: Matthew on January 06, 2019, 11:14:26 AM
    That's why young men and women need to try out a vocation while they're single, unfettered, and have nothing but time.

    And young men need to investigate a vocation even if they feel attracted to women, and confuse that with a calling to the married state. What, do you think priests are a bunch of fαɢɢօts? I know that sounds harsh, but such is the LOGICAL CONCLUSION of the fallacious arguments of some young men!

    If every man who was attracted to women had a "vocation" to the married life, then only asɛҳuąƖs (defective) and fαɢɢօts (perverts) would be left to become priests. Ridiculous!

    What's really tragic is when young men stubbornly assert they are called to the married state even though they are in their late 30s or 40s and God hasn't sent them a suitable marriage partner yet! Again, they are just experiencing the attraction to women that every normal, non-damaged, intact, post-puberty male experiences.

    Priests (bishops, etc.) are normal, red-blooded men. But unlike laymen, they make a sacrifice of their lives for God.
    One of my favorite priests was not ordained until his wife had passed and his children grown.
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    Offline Cera

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    Re: What I wish I knew before marriage....
    « Reply #38 on: February 20, 2025, 11:00:33 AM »
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    • Quote from: magdalena59 on January 06, 2019, 04:58:15 PM
    Remember that communication is very important.
    Sometimes one spouse will want or be in need of assistance and expect the other to know what they want without being asked. 
    If upset about something or feelings are hurt, take some time to pray before speaking.
    Yes! I remember a friend saying that when the family was driving home from the beach, sandy, tired and hungry, she kept hinting to him "Oh look there's that pizza chain we like. Look, that little burger place looks good. When they got home she was faced with fixing dinner and getting the little ones washed of the sand. She started banding pots and pans in the kitchen and her husband asked "what's wrong?" She said "you wouldn't stop for something to eat." He said "why didn't you ask me?" etc.

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    Offline Cera

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    Re: What I wish I knew before marriage....
    « Reply #39 on: February 20, 2025, 11:11:20 AM »
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    • Helpful book

    You Just Don't Understand: Women and Men in Conversation Paperback

    by (Author)

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    Offline Vanguard

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    Re: What I wish I knew before marriage....
    « Reply #40 on: February 20, 2025, 11:48:25 AM »
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    • Be prepared to sacrifice. Stick with your principles no matter what. Do unto others….. Try to set a good example even if you’re not. Beg the BVM, Jesus and all the saints to help you in distress. Pray daily. Know that God will give you the best possible circuмstances to save your soul if you ask. 
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    Offline Geremia

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    Re: What I wish I knew before marriage....
    « Reply #41 on: February 20, 2025, 03:55:54 PM »
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    • Quote from: Vintagewife3 on January 03, 2019, 09:30:55 PM
    I’ve always wondered what happens if a husband or wife realizes to Late they were called to priesthood/nun life?
    That happened to St. Rita of Cascia and many others.
    Priestly or religious life is a higher calling, and marriage (either one's parents' or one's own) can be a good preparation for it.
    Religious life is a big family, continuation of "nuclear" family life.
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    Offline Geremia

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    Re: What I wish I knew before marriage....
    « Reply #42 on: February 20, 2025, 03:58:27 PM »
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    • Quote from: Simple as Doves on January 06, 2019, 11:00:58 AM
    “The Wife Desired” and “The Man For Her” by Fr Leo J. Kinsella are must Reads.
    These are the best marriage books I've read. Fr. Kinsella delves into the nitty-gritty, practical aspects, based upon his counseling hundreds of couples.
    He's a realist; he doesn't over-glorify marriage, nor does he undervalue it, but presents it as it is. He seemed to be an experienced priest.
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    Offline Giovanni Berto

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    Re: What I wish I knew before marriage....
    « Reply #43 on: February 20, 2025, 05:22:42 PM »
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    • Quote from: Ladislaus on January 30, 2019, 06:37:29 PM
    Interestingly, I had a Traditional priest once probe me about a potential vocation to the priesthood (when I was making a Confession).  One of the things he asked me was, "Are you attracted to women?"  I was a bit confused by that question.  Am I not supposed to be?

    You sure are. Maybe he was just trying to unmask a potential "gαy priest".
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    Offline Matthew

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    Re: What I wish I knew before marriage....
    « Reply #44 on: February 20, 2025, 06:45:58 PM »
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    • One thing that surprised me that I never would have guessed when I was 23:

    You could have no mortgage, no car payment(s), no debt of any kind, no monthly "subscriptions", no rental fees or services, food completely covered by Food Stamps, and STILL spend $2500/month on BASIC SUPPORT of your family. That's $30K a year!
    Go ahead and re-read the major items that are ZERO in the budget.

    What does that leave? What costs $2500 a month? Well, $500 of that is "cost sharing" Christian co-op health insurance for the 2 parents. Another $500 is property taxes. The rest is electricity, water, internet, gasoline, car insurance, house/property/car maintenance, household goods/supplies/equipment, and HOMESCHOOLING.
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