Bataar, I'm sure you know that Our Lord's Passion transcends time and space. He suffered loneliness in the Garden while His disciples slept and did not comfort Him. The Father had to send Jesus Christ an angel to comfort Him. Put yourself with Our Lord at that moment of His Passion. Offer your loneliness and suffering to Him there. He knows you, and He knows your suffering while He is suffering there. I'm sure He will bestow many graces to you. And, of course, pray to Our Lord and ask for Blessed Mary's intercession that you will be granted a good, holy Catholic woman for a spouse. 

Bataar, I will offer my next suffering up to Our Lord so He may grant you love in your life.

Hello Bataar,

Thank you for starting this thread. It has been a worthy one, because I had no idea how many of us are sharing the sorrows of similar paths. Reading all the posts here has given me a sense of belonging to others as only one solitary can belong to other solitaries.

A couple of thoughts:

1. You mention that you have some trouble with prayer. I cannot say that I have the same trouble. And I think it might perhaps be the result of always combining prayer with study. When one sits down to pray, and sits down at the same time to study, the mind cannot but be filled with truth and God. Thoughts of self do intrude - for the things of God are a mirror. By the simple act of study, one can be placed in the experiences of remorse, self-examination, contrition, firm amendment, and making of resolutions. But also spiritual joy when insights come, when the beauty of the truth is apprehended, when the mind receives illumination. I can honestly say that I never sit down to pray to ask God for things, except to know and love Him. I always sit down to pray as a disciple resting at the feet of my Teacher, to hear His words and be formed by Him. I believe that all the other fruits of prayer can be collected through this one means. For this cause, I'm not often making Novenas or asking for particular things. I try to ask only for spiritual benefits, but occasionally I do need to request temporal assistance, and I do then ask. 

Thus you may consider asking yourself how much time do you study? How much time do you spend trying to learn all that you can about God and your religion? Prayer is going to come naturally to one who seeks the knowledge of God ardently and assiduously.

2. Are you truly unhappy being alone, or do you think there might be something wrong with you when you compare yourself to others? In other words, consider that this lonely feeling might not be real, but a temptation. I am a true solitary, and for this I am actually grateful. The older I get, the more I understand that I'm not missing out on much. In fact, I have glorious freedom to pursue God as many others do not. I can breathe freely only when I am alone. But when I am at work, I feel a ghastly loneliness, so strong and so grievous to my soul, and so lingering even when I get home, that I realize it cannot be from God. I find myself playing over and over again in my mind a tape that tells me how different I am from others, how isolated, how weird they must think I am, how I fit in nowhere, how horrible it is to be the only Catholic in a horde of pagans.

How could it be that I can enjoy so much peace in solitude, and yet suffer so acutely when in company, EXCEPT I am being temped? EXCEPT there are still many imperfections in my soul that prevent me from being recollected in the midst of the fiery furnace?

3. Consider that loneliness in our times could be a sign of predilection. It might be a special suffering that God asks of His faithful ones, by which they make reparation for their sins and the sins of the world.

4. I suggest to you, that, having attained the age of 44, and being now pretty much set in your ways, you proceed forth as a solitary called to be a solitary by God, for the needs of this age; rather than seeking to contrive affected means of socialization. Exercise yourself in becoming the kind of solitary that dwells in supernatural love. For being alone does not mean that you live without love. The more one finds oneself entirely dependent on God, the more one's heart dilates.

I suggest to you that you get rid of all things that distract you - TV, movies, music - and devote your free time to assiduous study of the Faith. Prayer and love of God will be the sure fruits of such labors. You may still feel pangs of loneliness, but they will be sweetened by love, and made acceptable sacrifices to a God Who has been deprived of these sweet offerings for far too long.

God bless you!

Hello EW!

So glad you are posting here. Your low points sound terribly distressing. I happy to see that you know what to do when you are tempted, and even know that you are being tempted. That's the one-two punch needed to fight back and win!

I suffer from a number of work-related anxieties, all stemming from feelings of dissociation and isolation caused by my Religion. My Religion causes me to dress differently than the other women, which makes me stick out. No matter how much I try to navigate dress, I draw attention because I am not dressing like every single other person. My religion causes me to avoid getting close with people because what they do and say is dreadfully sick and depraved. I am cheerful, funny, and supportive on the outside, but on the inside I am anxious, suspicious, and I feel absolutely abandoned and cast off. I'm sure that some of my suspicions are rash, brought on by stress; as it is entirely unnatural to be in close daily proximity with people you have to keep at bay as secretly and unobtrusively and cheerfully as you can. It's a nightmare, and a wholly painful thing. And you have to do it over and over and over again. Thus you begin to get a bit of a complex. You must keep a careful watch over yourself, also, lest you fall, as I often have, into compensation tactics that lead to other temptations and pits of vanity and venial sin.

I'm of the opinion that these gauntlets of anxiety and pain simply cannot be avoided because of human nature (we want to be liked and to fit in), because of the life of grace (which has its own implacable demands), and because being the only Catholic in a horde of pagans is a form of torture.

Yet we have to work. We have to go out in public. We have to interact with human devils.

I want to mention one other thing. Each age produces its Saints. The first age produced Martyrs of astounding courage and ardent love of God and truth. These were hit with the full force of judaeo-pagan hatred and violence. Though they suffered in public, each Martyr was alone in his combats. He fought the devil, the flesh, and the world by himself and with Christ alone. Others could encourage him, but they could not fight for him because martyrdom always involves an act of the will. 

[Our martyrdom, too, involves an act of the will. I could wear tight skinny jeans and low cut blouses. I could cuss, backbite, tell dirty jokes, etc. I could make myself fit in nicely, if I didn't care about my God. Every day I am offered any number of compromises. And every day I refuse them, and suffer for it.

My suffering, I will.

I will my suffering.]

Then came the age of the desert hermits. These went out to the desolate wastes seeking both solitude and combats with devils and the old man.

Then came the age of the monasteries. These went into cloisters and cells seeking both solitude and combats with devils and the old man. 

We have been born into another age. What it will be called in future I do not know. Perhaps an age of apostasy, of neo-paganism, of neo-persecution.

But what we know is that the Saints of our age will have in common with the Saints of all former ages: some kind of solitude, and some kind of combat.

The monasteries and deserts are now emptied out; so many vocations to marriage and religious life have been lost; yet the Church is always grounded on the twin pillars of solitude and combat.

We do not have Nero's and Domitian's to try our resolve. We do not have desert cells from which we go forth to meet the devil and the old man. We do not have monastic cells, within which we discipline the will and the flesh and fight with satan. 

No, the Saints of today have jobs.  COMBAT

They have Vatican II and broken families/communities.  SOLITARY CONFINEMENT

If we understand how to look at our plight, we will see that we are the "new religious." The new monks and nuns and coenobites.

It's a vocation.

How do we know it's a vocation?

It hurts; but because of the joy, we wouldn't change a thing!

That's how we know:

Hebrews 12:2-8: [Look upon Jesus], the Author and Finisher of faith, Who having joy set before Him, endured the cross, despising the shame, and now sitteth on the right hand of the throne of God. For think diligently upon Him that endured such opposition from sinners against Himself; that you be not wearied, fainting in your minds.  For you have not yet resisted unto blood, striving against sin: And you have forgotten the consolation, which speaketh to you, as unto children, saying: My son, neglect not the discipline of the Lord; neither be thou wearied whilst thou art rebuked by Him.

For whom the Lord loveth, He chastiseth; and He scourgeth every son whom he receiveth. Persevere under discipline. God dealeth with you as with His sons; for what son is there, whom the father doth not correct? But if you be without chastisement, whereof all are made partakers, then are you bastards, and not sons.

Another great post.  Based on your profile pic and your name I totally thought you were a dude lol.  Then I read about your dress and was like "wait...what?!" then saw the pink female icon below your name.

You've nailed it and I feel and think the same way.  I have a lot of those same work difficulties but the guy version of them.  I get backbit a lot by people at work about not partying, fornicating, or I resist advances by adulterous or lustful women and they'll try to get me fired or start false rumors about me, call me gαy, a loser who'll never find anyone, etc. and other such things, they don't think I know about all their gossip and backbiting and scheming but I do.  They know I'm a devout Catholic and don't believe in abortion, birth control, or premarital sex and many of them hate me for it but have to be 2-faced so they don't cause a stir and some of them are scared of me.  Going through this each and every day and "feeling" their hatred behind their facade will make you feel battered and beaten.  I always try to be positive and upbeat but inside I sometimes feel I'm about to crumble into dust.  I know I just need to not care what they think and for the most part I don't but sometimes it gets to a person especially when the pangs of loneliness come on. 

I know this is the way God tries some of us, and I'm glad a few of us have come out about this thanks to Bataar's OP.  The rest of your post was very edifying and it's nice to know there are others that "get it" about some of our struggles.

Loneliness just makes life so hard. I've been pretty much alone my whole life and it just gets harder to deal with. I'm not suicidal, but I can't wait for my life to end. Hoping to get to heaven is pretty much the last hope I have anymore. I don't hope for a good career/job (meaning one I like that seems meaningful), I don't hope to find a wife. It would be amazing if it happened, but I just gave up hoping for it. I don't hope to make good friends because that seems pointless too. Obviously God could grant all of that for me, but I just no longer believe He's going to. Without hope in this world, I pretty much don't have any passions, dreams, goals, etc for this life. Obviously, I do hope to get to Heaven. It's just hard to do anything when everything just seems/feels pointless.

My friend, this doubt and despair is a tool of the devil. 

Satan's Garage Sale

Satan advertised that he was selling off many of his tools. Many eager and curious demons showed up to see what they could purchase to improve their shameful skills. Satan had carefully marked the price upon each tool:

ANGER: $100                        RESENTMENT: $400                HATRED: $600, etc., etc.

Anger was selling fairly low...so common, so plain, so effective. Greed brought a big price, and Pride drove bids to high levels. Multiple copies of the jealousy tool were hot items. Lust, as always, was at a bargain-basement price.

There were tools that would make it easy to tear others down for use as steppingstones; some lenses for magnifying one’s own importance; and, if you looked through them the other way, they could be used to belittle others.

An assortment of gardening implements to help one’s pride to grow by leaps and bounds: the rake of scorn; the shovel of jealousy along with the tools of gossip and back-biting, of selfishness and apathy. 

One visitor noticed two well worn, non-descript tools on a table in one corner. He found it curious that those two tools had no price tags. When he asked why, Satan just laughed and said, “Well, that’s because I use them so much. If they weren’t so plain looking, people might see them for what they are.” The customer snatched up the tools and held them to his chest. With a glint in his eye, he asked the Devil, “How much for these?”
I’m sorry, those tools aren’t for sale,” the Devil replied.

Without hesitation, the man said, “I’ll pay you any amount!”

The Devil narrowed his eyes and hissed, “I told you, those tools are not for sale, nor will I ever sell them. They are the most useful tools I own!  Without them I wouldn’t be half as effective in my work. With those tools alone, I can accomplish my every task. Now, good day, sir!”

Disappointed, the man looked once more at the shiny tools, then slowly placed them back on the table in the corner. With almost a whisper, he said to the Devil, “If I can’t buy them, would you at least tell me their names?”

A slow and wicked grin grew across the Devil’s face. Satan pointed to the two tools, and said, “You see, that one’s Doubt and that one’s Discouragement — and those will work when nothing else will.”

The devil continued, “They are more useful to me than any of the others. When I can’t bring down my victims with the rest of my tools, I use doubt and discouragement. With those tools alone, I can accomplish my every task.
Perplexed, the old man wondered out loud, “What’s so special about those tools?”

“Nothing paralyzes a person, nothing stops someone in their tracks like discouragement and doubt, resulting in hopelessness. Discouragement and Doubt are no respecters of persons. They keep the unemployed, unemployed; the homeless, homeless; the sick, sick. 

“They can even break the most pious. When overcome with discouragement and doubt that leads to hopelessness, persons cannot pray, they cannot worship, and they become a victim of their environment. Discouragement and doubt drain their victims of courage, vision, faith, expectation, and the will to make a difference in the kingdom of God. If I can get people discouraged and full of doubt, then I have successfully neutralized them. They are then left with only enough energy to feel hopeless and sorry for themselves.”

- Anonymous