Please keep me in your prayers.Will do, you poor soul. I pray every day for the lonely in my Rosary.
Not to dismiss your suffering (God forbid!) but I would like to add --And then there is the individual - no spouse (widow/widower/singleton), no family, perhaps no job, no Mass centre... it can be very gloomy. After all, God did say "it is not good for man to be alone". However, with every trial, we know that God will give the grace. Yet that does not necessarily give much comfort when we are in the midst of the trial.
1. There are degrees of loneliness. Even in some families, while the greatest desolation is staved off because of all the "people" around, still there can be a constant loneliness in the background (think: parents with zero Trad Catholic friends to socialize with, confide in, etc.) Think of all the families who can only get to a Trad Mass once a month or less, and even then, there aren't any adults their age to be close to or socialize with. Or no Trads to see/visit within a 1 hour radius or more.
2. And then there's being "lonely in a crowd". Not all families, or spouses, are completely close or get along well.
I can personally attest to #1 (fortunately, not #2).
To varying degrees, and for varying reasons, this Crisis is hard on a lot of people. I can only imagine how much suffering must be out there among Trad Catholics.
May God grant you His grace and consolations. :pray:
Please keep me in your prayers.I'm in the same boat as you. I will pray for you, Bataar. Hang in there.
One could give a lot of advice, but it's cold comfort when you are passing through the trial. All I can say is hang in there Bataar, unite your suffering, especially this Lent, with Our suffering Saviour and His Sorrowful Mother, and offer your pain to save those poor sinners at the point of death from passing into eternal loneliness.Yes, very good post ^^^
Please keep me in your prayers.Firstly, I will pray for you. I would like you to know that you are never alone. For one you always have Christ. Speak to him, whisper to him your worry’s. This world is temporary, what matters most is the attainment of heaven in the next. If you are alone in the sense that you have family/friends but feel isolated insofar that you are the only Catholic, then remember the words of our Lord: “Blessed are ye when they shall revile you, and persecute you, and speak all that is evil against you, untruly, for my sake: 12 (https://www.drbo.org/cgi-bin/d?b=drb&bk=47&ch=5&l=12-#x)Be glad and rejoice, for your reward is very great in heaven. For so they persecuted the prophets that were before you. ” Matthew 6
I'm pretty much truly alone. I'm 44 years old, no wife or family of my own. My dad and 2 siblings live 300 miles away so I don't get to interact with them very often. I don't really have any good friends. I have a few buddies that I'm able to do stuff with a couple of times a month, but that's it. They're all married and have kids so they don't have time to spend with me. Unless I need to go to the store or something, I'm pretty much home, by myself. Once summer gets here it'll be nice because at least I'll be able to go fishing after work and on weekends.Pride seems to be the issue, and isolation seems to be (possibly) Gods answer. Believe it or not when you pray it is not your way or the Highway. You are viewing prayer in the wrong way. Instead of saying that God doesn’t answer you, keep in mind all of the blessings that God gives you like your health, your ability to live in general, your freedom etc.
Another problem is that I'm a high functioning autistic person. Most people probably wouldn't notice anything odd about me once they get to know me, but it definitely makes this area of life very hard. It's extremely difficult to meet people as my social norms are backward. I need to already know someone before I want to talk to them. I usually do this by interacting with them in some kind of activity and I learn whether or not they're someone I want to know better which makes me want to talk to them and gives me something to talk to them about. If someone's a complete stranger, I have no idea what to talk to them about. For me, unless I'm talking to someone I already care about in some way, the purpose of talking is the exchange of information. If I don't know someone, I don't know if they know anything I need to ask them about, nor do I know if I know something I should inform them about which makes talking pointless.
I remember someone suggesting I should ask someone what kind of work they do as a conversation starter. For most people, this is probably a good opener, but the way my brain works, it's not. If this person is a stranger, why do I want to know where they work? How will that information be useful for anything in and of itself? Interrupting someone to ask them for a useless, meaningless bit of information is just . . . . . . . . I can't even describe how wrong and stressful that is. My church doesn't have any kind of social activities so there's no viable way for me to meet anyone.
Now if it's a person I know and care about in some way, it's completely different. I just need to find a way to get to know something about them before actually trying to converse with them.
Someone above mentioned prayer and while I do pray (probably not as often as I should), it doesn't help at all. If anything, it makes me feel worse as it will lead me to believe that God may help and when nothing changes or even gets worse, I obviously feel worse than before. Praying feels like calling someone you consider a friend who never answers their phone anymore. You leave them a voicemail and they never call you back.
I'm pretty much truly alone. I'm 44 years old, no wife or family of my own. My dad and 2 siblings live 300 miles away so I don't get to interact with them very often. I don't really have any good friends. I have a few buddies that I'm able to do stuff with a couple of times a month, but that's it. They're all married and have kids so they don't have time to spend with me. Unless I need to go to the store or something, I'm pretty much home, by myself. Once summer gets here it'll be nice because at least I'll be able to go fishing after work and on weekends.Guess what? There's lots of people like you. I'm one. They may be 1 in 1000, I don't know, but that's still a lot of people with the same struggles. That personality type is at a huge disadvantage in this world unless they find the perfect fit for them.
Another problem is that I'm a high functioning autistic person. Most people probably wouldn't notice anything odd about me once they get to know me, but it definitely makes this area of life very hard. It's extremely difficult to meet people as my social norms are backward. I need to already know someone before I want to talk to them. I usually do this by interacting with them in some kind of activity and I learn whether or not they're someone I want to know better which makes me want to talk to them and gives me something to talk to them about. If someone's a complete stranger, I have no idea what to talk to them about. For me, unless I'm talking to someone I already care about in some way, the purpose of talking is the exchange of information. If I don't know someone, I don't know if they know anything I need to ask them about, nor do I know if I know something I should inform them about which makes talking pointless.
I remember someone suggesting I should ask someone what kind of work they do as a conversation starter. For most people, this is probably a good opener, but the way my brain works, it's not. If this person is a stranger, why do I want to know where they work? How will that information be useful for anything in and of itself? Interrupting someone to ask them for a useless, meaningless bit of information is just . . . . . . . . I can't even describe how wrong and stressful that is. My church doesn't have any kind of social activities so there's no viable way for me to meet anyone.
Now if it's a person I know and care about in some way, it's completely different. I just need to find a way to get to know something about them before actually trying to converse with them.
Someone above mentioned prayer and while I do pray (probably not as often as I should), it doesn't help at all. If anything, it makes me feel worse as it will lead me to believe that God may help and when nothing changes or even gets worse, I obviously feel worse than before. Praying feels like calling someone you consider a friend who never answers their phone anymore. You leave them a voicemail and they never call you back.
Our parish priest always taught that prayer does not change God’s will for us, by praying, we simply conform our will to His.Ah, here we get into theology! God's Antecedent Will, His Consequent Will... I'll leave that for the theologians.
God has nothing to change, if He did, He would be imperfect.
It is us who need to change and trust in Divine Providence, which may be a good read for the OP. The title of the book is Trustful Surrender to Divine Providence.
Read it and let Jesus take the wheel. 😊
I'm pretty much truly alone. I'm 44 years old, no wife or family of my own. My dad and 2 siblings live 300 miles away so I don't get to interact with them very often. I don't really have any good friends. I have a few buddies that I'm able to do stuff with a couple of times a month, but that's it. They're all married and have kids so they don't have time to spend with me. Unless I need to go to the store or something, I'm pretty much home, by myself. Once summer gets here it'll be nice because at least I'll be able to go fishing after work and on weekends.
There’s more people than you know in the same boat. I’m also by myself, have one living family member, not Catholic, and some distant relatives that I have no idea of where or who they are. (They cut themselves off in a feud over a will about which my parents refused to take sides. Or maybe they cut my parents off, probably closer to the truth. I was only five years old when this happened.) I live in a very small refurbished hunting camp with my dogs and a cat. It’s in the middle of nowhere, which is very nice, on one hand, but not on the other. I landed here due to losing my job, my apartment, and most of my stuff for refusing the jab offer. It certainly beats living in my car in a big city, which is what I did for two months.I attend an SSPX chapel and it's definitely nice to be able to receive the sacraments regularly, but it's damn near impossible to meet anyone. People go to mass and then leave. People go to a catechism class and then leave with no chance to interact with anyone. This is one area where protestants seem to do really well at. A protestant friend of mine met his wife at their church and numerous other couples all met at church activities. Their church is very active and it's not uncommon for nearly their entire social lives to be centered around activities at their church. It drives me nuts when priests complain about the lack of Catholic marriages in today's time but do absolutely nothing to facilitate good Catholic men and women to meet.
I also don’t have regular Mass or Sacraments, although I’m better that way than the last two years when I had nothing. Try your best to establish a rule of life. Keep it simple as you aren’t a monk or an official hermit. Prayer, however brief, morning, noon, night, plus Rosary or Stations of the Cross on Wednesdays and Fridays for Lent. There’s a very concise, rhyming version in the back of the Fr. Stedman Sunday Missal that I like to use. Weather permitting, try going for a walk while praying the Rosary. Pray under your breath or think the words in your head if you’re around others and don’t want to raise the ire of a crazy person or have others dismiss you as insane.
Try getting a pet. If a dog or cat isn’t realistic, what about a bird or turtle? Lizard, snake, small rodent, or a tank with a few goldfish? My sister kept two newts found in a campground in New Hampshire. One of them lived his full lifecycle, emerging from the water and changing from dark green to bright orange. Try keeping land snails or hermit crabs. If you’re not squeamish, a scorpion or tarantula might keep your interest…or an ant farm! Plants can also lift the mood. They freshen the air and require at least a little care, some more than others. A carnivorous plant is interesting, or anything flowering.
Resist having a pity-party. The only one who will come to it is the devil, and be assured, he’s the death of the party.
As to prayer, don’t beat yourself up. If you forget or are feeling to low, remind yourself to just pray anyway. Read a prayer or recite from memory. Mary will fill in the “feeling” aspect if that’s even needed. There are many things we do devoid of any feelings, just because they are right or necessary. I don’t like hauling trash to the county environmental center (dump!), but I do it as needed or I’d have a dump surrounding my home. I really dislike laundromats, but I have to go or wear dirty clothes and sleep in a soiled bed. Prayer said just because…is better than no prayer.
There are many people on the autistic spectrum, lots more since someone decided to call it a spectrum! I’m 64 and was “diagnosed” at age 58. In retrospect, yes, I was always the kid who didn’t fit in, who had some slightly odd behavior patterns, whose interests and ways of looking at the world were unusual, or who was sometimes deemed “not normal.” Well, who cares? I’m normal for me because I’ve always been as I am. If God wanted me otherwise, He’d have made someone else. It’s not sin we’re talking about. I even got hired once for replying, “What you see is what you get!” The interviewer questioned the fact that I was wearing Birkenstock shoes! (Maybe I was a tree-hugging, fag-loving, communist liberal?) No, nothing of the sort! I wear only orthopedically healthy shoes. Everyone in my family had foot problems, women especially, from cramming naturally wide feet into stylish shoes. When young, my father wisely made we kids wear properly fitting shoes, stylish or not. He had bad feet himself from poverty, having to wear shoes that were too small. My feet are pain free and flexible as ever. I’ve never been to a podiatrist in my life! If I go to Mass and all the other women are wearing pumps, high heels, pointed toes, and I’m wearing Birkenstocks, too bad. You’re not supposed to be looking at people’s feet during Mass, anyhow!
Here’s a great way to get started. Post a large print Morning and Evening Offering Prayer to your bed or wall. Say the prayers as soon as you awake and before you sleep. Make a list of people to pray for, include souls in Purgatory, family, friends, acquaintances, world leaders, whomever… Whichever time is better, morning or evening, say one prayer for one on the list. Cross them and move on. Pray before meals. If others don’t join you, take 30 seconds to bless yourself, bow your head, pray silently, and cross yourself. Ignore others while doing so, even if they take no notice or deliberately keep talking, etc. When done, join as if nothing were unusual, because thanks to you, it isn’t. If need be, say, “I’m sorry, I didn’t quite hear your question/comment.” After awhile, they’ll either respect you, or they’ll go on as before, in either case, God has been thanked. If someone bullies, mocks, gaslights, ghosts, humiliates you in front of others, remove yourself from that person. Confront him or her kindly, but firmly once. Tell how exactly you expect to be treated. If you’re ignored, remove yourself from this person in as much as possible.
One more thing, friends needn’t be talking all the time. Just walking, working, eating, sharing tea, reading, playing a game of chess, paint or sketch, whittle, or whatever, doesn’t require constant chatter.
:pray:
I attend an SSPX chapel and it's definitely nice to be able to receive the sacraments regularly, but it's damn near impossible to meet anyone. People go to mass and then leave. People go to a catechism class and then leave with no chance to interact with anyone. This is one area where protestants seem to do really well at. A protestant friend of mine met his wife at their church and numerous other couples all met at church activities. Their church is very active and it's not uncommon for nearly their entire social lives to be centered around activities at their church. It drives me nuts when priests complain about the lack of Catholic marriages in today's time but do absolutely nothing to facilitate good Catholic men and women to meet.That's a common problem, and it is definitely not good. Maybe you can talk to the priest about this problem, and try to organize some activity that the priest can announce when he would make announcements before the readings, and hopefully at such time he would urge the importance of some social interaction among the parishioners. Even have the event details included in the church bulletin. Lunch, fishing, lakeside BBQ, organize a yard work day at the house of whoever needs it.
Our parish priest always taught that prayer does not change God’s will for us ....
God has nothing to change, if He did, He would be imperfect.
Bataar, I'm sure you know that Our Lord's Passion transcends time and space. He suffered loneliness in the Garden while His disciples slept and did not comfort Him. The Father had to send Jesus Christ an angel to comfort Him. Put yourself with Our Lord at that moment of His Passion. Offer your loneliness and suffering to Him there. He knows you, and He knows your suffering while He is suffering there. I'm sure He will bestow many graces to you. And, of course, pray to Our Lord and ask for Blessed Mary's intercession that you will be granted a good, holy Catholic woman for a spouse.1 Corinthians 7:8
Bataar, I will offer my next suffering up to Our Lord so He may grant you love in your life.
I'm pretty much truly alone. I'm 44 years old, no wife or family of my own. My dad and 2 siblings live 300 miles away so I don't get to interact with them very often. I don't really have any good friends. I have a few buddies that I'm able to do stuff with a couple of times a month, but that's it. They're all married and have kids so they don't have time to spend with me. Unless I need to go to the store or something, I'm pretty much home, by myself. Once summer gets here it'll be nice because at least I'll be able to go fishing after work and on weekends.Hello Bataar,
Another problem is that I'm a high functioning autistic person. Most people probably wouldn't notice anything odd about me once they get to know me, but it definitely makes this area of life very hard. It's extremely difficult to meet people as my social norms are backward. I need to already know someone before I want to talk to them. I usually do this by interacting with them in some kind of activity and I learn whether or not they're someone I want to know better which makes me want to talk to them and gives me something to talk to them about. If someone's a complete stranger, I have no idea what to talk to them about. For me, unless I'm talking to someone I already care about in some way, the purpose of talking is the exchange of information. If I don't know someone, I don't know if they know anything I need to ask them about, nor do I know if I know something I should inform them about which makes talking pointless.
I remember someone suggesting I should ask someone what kind of work they do as a conversation starter. For most people, this is probably a good opener, but the way my brain works, it's not. If this person is a stranger, why do I want to know where they work? How will that information be useful for anything in and of itself? Interrupting someone to ask them for a useless, meaningless bit of information is just . . . . . . . . I can't even describe how wrong and stressful that is. My church doesn't have any kind of social activities so there's no viable way for me to meet anyone.
Now if it's a person I know and care about in some way, it's completely different. I just need to find a way to get to know something about them before actually trying to converse with them.
Someone above mentioned prayer and while I do pray (probably not as often as I should), it doesn't help at all. If anything, it makes me feel worse as it will lead me to believe that God may help and when nothing changes or even gets worse, I obviously feel worse than before. Praying feels like calling someone you consider a friend who never answers their phone anymore. You leave them a voicemail and they never call you back.
Hello Bataar,
Thank you for starting this thread. It has been a worthy one, because I had no idea how many of us are sharing the sorrows of similar paths. Reading all the posts here has given me a sense of belonging to others as only one solitary can belong to other solitaries.
A couple of thoughts:
1. You mention that you have some trouble with prayer. I cannot say that I have the same trouble. And I think it might perhaps be the result of always combining prayer with study. When one sits down to pray, and sits down at the same time to study, the mind cannot but be filled with truth and God. Thoughts of self do intrude - for the things of God are a mirror. By the simple act of study, one can be placed in the experiences of remorse, self-examination, contrition, firm amendment, and making of resolutions. But also spiritual joy when insights come, when the beauty of the truth is apprehended, when the mind receives illumination. I can honestly say that I never sit down to pray to ask God for things, except to know and love Him. I always sit down to pray as a disciple resting at the feet of my Teacher, to hear His words and be formed by Him. I believe that all the other fruits of prayer can be collected through this one means. For this cause, I'm not often making Novenas or asking for particular things. I try to ask only for spiritual benefits, but occasionally I do need to request temporal assistance, and I do then ask.
Thus you may consider asking yourself how much time do you study? How much time do you spend trying to learn all that you can about God and your religion? Prayer is going to come naturally to one who seeks the knowledge of God ardently and assiduously.
2. Are you truly unhappy being alone, or do you think there might be something wrong with you when you compare yourself to others? In other words, consider that this lonely feeling might not be real, but a temptation. I am a true solitary, and for this I am actually grateful. The older I get, the more I understand that I'm not missing out on much. In fact, I have glorious freedom to pursue God as many others do not. I can breathe freely only when I am alone. But when I am at work, I feel a ghastly loneliness, so strong and so grievous to my soul, and so lingering even when I get home, that I realize it cannot be from God. I find myself playing over and over again in my mind a tape that tells me how different I am from others, how isolated, how weird they must think I am, how I fit in nowhere, how horrible it is to be the only Catholic in a horde of pagans.
How could it be that I can enjoy so much peace in solitude, and yet suffer so acutely when in company, EXCEPT I am being temped? EXCEPT there are still many imperfections in my soul that prevent me from being recollected in the midst of the fiery furnace?
3. Consider that loneliness in our times could be a sign of predilection. It might be a special suffering that God asks of His faithful ones, by which they make reparation for their sins and the sins of the world.
4. I suggest to you, that, having attained the age of 44, and being now pretty much set in your ways, you proceed forth as a solitary called to be a solitary by God, for the needs of this age; rather than seeking to contrive affected means of socialization. Exercise yourself in becoming the kind of solitary that dwells in supernatural love. For being alone does not mean that you live without love. The more one finds oneself entirely dependent on God, the more one's heart dilates.
I suggest to you that you get rid of all things that distract you - TV, movies, music - and devote your free time to assiduous study of the Faith. Prayer and love of God will be the sure fruits of such labors. You may still feel pangs of loneliness, but they will be sweetened by love, and made acceptable sacrifices to a God Who has been deprived of these sweet offerings for far too long.
God bless you!
This was a great post. Thanks for sharing. As mentioned earlier in the thread I'm one of those going through pretty much the same thing. When I'm amongst people at work is when the most stress and anxiety comes. Pangs of loneliness are a real thing and I feel them often.Hello EW!
Bataar. Simeon made some great points. Don't necessarily think or feel that you need to be around people for this loneliness to clear, it may be a temptation and a way of shirking the cross God has sent you. I used to be in the same boat but was given the eyes to see that God sends different crosses to different people and it's the pride in us that doesn't want this cross. I understand the loneliness, the despair, the feelings of isolation,etc. This is likely God setting you aside from the world, marital duties, and to break the vice of human respect in the soul to prepare you for something in the future but you have to hang on. A big part of this is also trusting in God and His Providence to give you what you need. Some of the sufferings from this also come from lack of trusting in God. He will ALWAYS have your best interest in heart, even though it may not feel that way sometimes. He made you to be with Him forever. Always remember this.
During the major temptations to despair and bitterness and even temptations to ѕυιcιdє I have recourse to my Guardian Angel, Blessed Virgin Mary, and St. Joseph. Don't give up the fight.
Hello EW!
So glad you are posting here. Your low points sound terribly distressing. I happy to see that you know what to do when you are tempted, and even know that you are being tempted. That's the one-two punch needed to fight back and win!
I suffer from a number of work-related anxieties, all stemming from feelings of dissociation and isolation caused by my Religion. My Religion causes me to dress differently than the other women, which makes me stick out. No matter how much I try to navigate dress, I draw attention because I am not dressing like every single other person. My religion causes me to avoid getting close with people because what they do and say is dreadfully sick and depraved. I am cheerful, funny, and supportive on the outside, but on the inside I am anxious, suspicious, and I feel absolutely abandoned and cast off. I'm sure that some of my suspicions are rash, brought on by stress; as it is entirely unnatural to be in close daily proximity with people you have to keep at bay as secretly and unobtrusively and cheerfully as you can. It's a nightmare, and a wholly painful thing. And you have to do it over and over and over again. Thus you begin to get a bit of a complex. You must keep a careful watch over yourself, also, lest you fall, as I often have, into compensation tactics that lead to other temptations and pits of vanity and venial sin.
I'm of the opinion that these gauntlets of anxiety and pain simply cannot be avoided because of human nature (we want to be liked and to fit in), because of the life of grace (which has its own implacable demands), and because being the only Catholic in a horde of pagans is a form of torture.
Yet we have to work. We have to go out in public. We have to interact with human devils.
I want to mention one other thing. Each age produces its Saints. The first age produced Martyrs of astounding courage and ardent love of God and truth. These were hit with the full force of judaeo-pagan hatred and violence. Though they suffered in public, each Martyr was alone in his combats. He fought the devil, the flesh, and the world by himself and with Christ alone. Others could encourage him, but they could not fight for him because martyrdom always involves an act of the will.
[Our martyrdom, too, involves an act of the will. I could wear tight skinny jeans and low cut blouses. I could cuss, backbite, tell dirty jokes, etc. I could make myself fit in nicely, if I didn't care about my God. Every day I am offered any number of compromises. And every day I refuse them, and suffer for it.
My suffering, I will.
I will my suffering.]
Then came the age of the desert hermits. These went out to the desolate wastes seeking both solitude and combats with devils and the old man.
Then came the age of the monasteries. These went into cloisters and cells seeking both solitude and combats with devils and the old man.
We have been born into another age. What it will be called in future I do not know. Perhaps an age of apostasy, of neo-paganism, of neo-persecution.
But what we know is that the Saints of our age will have in common with the Saints of all former ages: some kind of solitude, and some kind of combat.
The monasteries and deserts are now emptied out; so many vocations to marriage and religious life have been lost; yet the Church is always grounded on the twin pillars of solitude and combat.
We do not have Nero's and Domitian's to try our resolve. We do not have desert cells from which we go forth to meet the devil and the old man. We do not have monastic cells, within which we discipline the will and the flesh and fight with satan.
No, the Saints of today have jobs. COMBAT
They have Vatican II and broken families/communities. SOLITARY CONFINEMENT
If we understand how to look at our plight, we will see that we are the "new religious." The new monks and nuns and coenobites.
It's a vocation.
How do we know it's a vocation?
It hurts; but because of the joy, we wouldn't change a thing!
That's how we know:
Hebrews 12:2-8: [Look upon Jesus], the Author and Finisher of faith, Who having joy set before Him, endured the cross, despising the shame, and now sitteth on the right hand of the throne of God. For think diligently upon Him that endured such opposition from sinners against Himself; that you be not wearied, fainting in your minds. For you have not yet resisted unto blood, striving against sin: And you have forgotten the consolation, which speaketh to you, as unto children, saying: My son, neglect not the discipline of the Lord; neither be thou wearied whilst thou art rebuked by Him.
For whom the Lord loveth, He chastiseth; and He scourgeth every son whom he receiveth. Persevere under discipline. God dealeth with you as with His sons; for what son is there, whom the father doth not correct? But if you be without chastisement, whereof all are made partakers, then are you bastards, and not sons.
Another great post. Based on your profile pic and your name I totally thought you were a dude lol. Then I read about your dress and was like "wait...what?!" then saw the pink female icon below your name.O man, O man, O man, O man!!!!!!!
You've nailed it and I feel and think the same way. I have a lot of those same work difficulties but the guy version of them. I get backbit a lot by people at work about not partying, fornicating, or I resist advances by adulterous or lustful women and they'll try to get me fired or start false rumors about me, call me gαy, a loser who'll never find anyone, etc. and other such things, they don't think I know about all their gossip and backbiting and scheming but I do. They know I'm a devout Catholic and don't believe in abortion, birth control, or premarital sex and many of them hate me for it but have to be 2-faced so they don't cause a stir and some of them are scared of me. Going through this each and every day and "feeling" their hatred behind their facade will make you feel battered and beaten. I always try to be positive and upbeat but inside I sometimes feel I'm about to crumble into dust. I know I just need to not care what they think and for the most part I don't but sometimes it gets to a person especially when the pangs of loneliness come on.
I know this is the way God tries some of us, and I'm glad a few of us have come out about this thanks to Bataar's OP. The rest of your post was very edifying and it's nice to know there are others that "get it" about some of our struggles.
Loneliness just makes life so hard. I've been pretty much alone my whole life and it just gets harder to deal with. I'm not suicidal, but I can't wait for my life to end. Hoping to get to heaven is pretty much the last hope I have anymore. I don't hope for a good career/job (meaning one I like that seems meaningful), I don't hope to find a wife. It would be amazing if it happened, but I just gave up hoping for it. I don't hope to make good friends because that seems pointless too. Obviously God could grant all of that for me, but I just no longer believe He's going to. Without hope in this world, I pretty much don't have any passions, dreams, goals, etc for this life. Obviously, I do hope to get to Heaven. It's just hard to do anything when everything just seems/feels pointless.
Loneliness just makes life so hard. I've been pretty much alone my whole life and it just gets harder to deal with. I'm not suicidal, but I can't wait for my life to end. Hoping to get to heaven is pretty much the last hope I have anymore. I don't hope for a good career/job (meaning one I like that seems meaningful), I don't hope to find a wife. It would be amazing if it happened, but I just gave up hoping for it. I don't hope to make good friends because that seems pointless too. Obviously God could grant all of that for me, but I just no longer believe He's going to. Without hope in this world, I pretty much don't have any passions, dreams, goals, etc for this life. Obviously, I do hope to get to Heaven. It's just hard to do anything when everything just seems/feels pointless.My friend, this doubt and despair is a tool of the devil. You say that hoping to get to Heaven is your last goal as of now, do not diminish this goal! It is the most important goal that exists! It is our mission in life to follow God and through a life of faith, repentance, and perseverance to attain union with the beatific vision in Heaven. Do not despair and say or act like your life is devoid of meaning just because the only goal that remains for you is to go to heaven, do not care about the desires of the world today, HEAVEN IS ALWAYS #1. "For what shall it profit a man, if he gain the whole world, and suffer the loss of his soul? " Mark 6: 36
My friend, this doubt and despair is a tool of the devil.
Satan's Garage Sale
Satan advertised that he was selling off many of his tools. Many eager and curious demons showed up to see what they could purchase to improve their shameful skills. Satan had carefully marked the price upon each tool:ANGER: $100 RESENTMENT: $400 HATRED: $600, etc., etc.
Anger was selling fairly low...so common, so plain, so effective. Greed brought a big price, and Pride drove bids to high levels. Multiple copies of the jealousy tool were hot items. Lust, as always, was at a bargain-basement price.
There were tools that would make it easy to tear others down for use as steppingstones; some lenses for magnifying one’s own importance; and, if you looked through them the other way, they could be used to belittle others.
An assortment of gardening implements to help one’s pride to grow by leaps and bounds: the rake of scorn; the shovel of jealousy along with the tools of gossip and back-biting, of selfishness and apathy.
One visitor noticed two well worn, non-descript tools on a table in one corner. He found it curious that those two tools had no price tags. When he asked why, Satan just laughed and said, “Well, that’s because I use them so much. If they weren’t so plain looking, people might see them for what they are.” The customer snatched up the tools and held them to his chest. With a glint in his eye, he asked the Devil, “How much for these?”
I’m sorry, those tools aren’t for sale,” the Devil replied.
Without hesitation, the man said, “I’ll pay you any amount!”
The Devil narrowed his eyes and hissed, “I told you, those tools are not for sale, nor will I ever sell them. They are the most useful tools I own! Without them I wouldn’t be half as effective in my work. With those tools alone, I can accomplish my every task. Now, good day, sir!”
Disappointed, the man looked once more at the shiny tools, then slowly placed them back on the table in the corner. With almost a whisper, he said to the Devil, “If I can’t buy them, would you at least tell me their names?”
A slow and wicked grin grew across the Devil’s face. Satan pointed to the two tools, and said, “You see, that one’s Doubt and that one’s Discouragement — and those will work when nothing else will.”
The devil continued, “They are more useful to me than any of the others. When I can’t bring down my victims with the rest of my tools, I use doubt and discouragement. With those tools alone, I can accomplish my every task.
Perplexed, the old man wondered out loud, “What’s so special about those tools?”
“Nothing paralyzes a person, nothing stops someone in their tracks like discouragement and doubt, resulting in hopelessness. Discouragement and Doubt are no respecters of persons. They keep the unemployed, unemployed; the homeless, homeless; the sick, sick.
“They can even break the most pious. When overcome with discouragement and doubt that leads to hopelessness, persons cannot pray, they cannot worship, and they become a victim of their environment. Discouragement and doubt drain their victims of courage, vision, faith, expectation, and the will to make a difference in the kingdom of God. If I can get people discouraged and full of doubt, then I have successfully neutralized them. They are then left with only enough energy to feel hopeless and sorry for themselves.”
- Anonymous
| INTRODUCTION TO A DEVOUT LIFE (cont) | ||
by St Francis de Sales, Doctor of the Church |
And a man (especially men) needs purpose;And man needs to be happy, we are made to be happy, and man needs to know things.
St. Francis de Sales famously wrote,I don't think I'm anxious. I don't feel anxious and I don't really worry. I've just sort of accepted things the way they are as there doesn't appear to be any realistic way for me to change anything.
"Anxiety is the greatest evil that can befall a soul, except sin. God commands you to pray, but He forbids you to worry." St. Francis points out the danger of anxiety and how it can fracture our spirits and rob our peace of mind. While many anxiety-producing realities are beyond our capability to change or control, how we respond to them is entirely in our hands.
https://www.oblates.org/updates/the-present-moment
https://www.oblates.org/st-francis-wisdom
-- "You were never told not to think about your advancement, but that you were not to think about it anxiously."
-- "Fear is a greater evil that the evil itself."
-- "Anxiety and fear do not provide solace for our pain but aggravate it, leading us to a kind of breakdown in courage and strength because it appears that our pain has no possible remedy."
-- "Just as internal revolutions and troubles can cause the ruin of a state, so an anxious and troubled heart no longer has the strength to resist the assaults of the enemy."
-- "Let the world turn upside down, let everything be in darkness, in smoke, in uproar - God is with us."
St Padre Pio - "Pray, hope and don't worry. Worry is useless. God is merciful and will hear your prayer."
Without hope in this world, I pretty much don't have any passions, dreams, goals, etc for this life. Obviously, I do hope to get to Heaven. It's just hard to do anything when everything just seems/feels pointless.
Ok, so you're not anxious but depressed. Depression is just long-term anxiety + hopelessness. Same advice applies. There's always hope. Doesn't mean that things will turn out exactly how you want, but God knows what's best for you and it's not to be hopeless.True, but to start a journey, you have to have a destination in mind before you can take that first step as well as plans on how to complete that journey. Just taking random steps seems to lead to me stepping off a cliff.
For I know the thoughts that I think towards you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace, and not of affliction, to give you an end and patience. (Jer 29:11)
Don't overthink things. Just do something. Action leads to energy --> ideas --> dreams --> motivation --> hard work --> goals being fulfilled --> success --> happiness.
Happiness is not a goal. Happiness is what you get as you work towards something. But you'll never be happy and you'll never have any goals/passions if you don't start something, anything. A journey of 10,000 miles starts with 1 step. Life's a journey. You just gotta start.
Most people confuse "loneliness" with boredom and/or emptiness. If you cure your boredom and emptiness with worthwhile things and goals, you'll no longer feel lonely, even if you're alone. Because you'll feel happy about yourself and your life. You have to be happy with yourself before you can be your best and be a good partner. Good luck to you. You can do it. God is with you.
True, but to start a journey, you have to have a destination in mind before you can take that first step as well as plans on how to complete that journey. Just taking random steps seems to lead to me stepping off a cliff.What a negative you have, Bataar. You seem to be finding comfort in your misery.
True, but to start a journey, you have to have a destination in mind before you can take that first step as well as plans on how to complete that journey. Just taking random steps seems to lead to me stepping off a cliff.No. The point is, you'll figure out your destination on the way. Take action on something. Anything. However small. Just go DO. You have to get out of your head. That's the point of activity. Get a hobby, even if you stick with it for only a week. Start 10 different hobbies. Whatever it is, just do something different. Your present situation is not good, so try new things. And stop thinking. Eventually, as you get busy on new things, you'll figure out the destination.
And stop thinking.
Loneliness just makes life so hard. I've been pretty much alone my whole life and it just gets harder to deal with. I'm not suicidal, but I can't wait for my life to end. Hoping to get to heaven is pretty much the last hope I have anymore. I don't hope for a good career/job (meaning one I like that seems meaningful), I don't hope to find a wife. It would be amazing if it happened, but I just gave up hoping for it. I don't hope to make good friends because that seems pointless too. Obviously God could grant all of that for me, but I just no longer believe He's going to. Without hope in this world, I pretty much don't have any passions, dreams, goals, etc for this life. Obviously, I do hope to get to Heaven. It's just hard to do anything when everything just seems/feels pointless.Why? As for a wife, you're 44. We got married at 40.
Why? As for a wife, you're 44. We got married at 40.Mainly because it doesn't seem to be in the cards. I'm 44 and have never had a girlfriend or any kind of romantic relationship. Every time I meet a woman I'd like to pursue, I'll either learn she is not single or some flukey thing will happen to prevent any progress. I generally tell people that I lack the ability to meet single women. I've just come to the conclusion that it's probably not God's plan for me so actively hoping for it is pointless.
Mainly because it doesn't seem to be in the cards. I'm 44 and have never had a girlfriend or any kind of romantic relationship. Every time I meet a woman I'd like to pursue, I'll either learn she is not single or some flukey thing will happen to prevent any progress. I generally tell people that I lack the ability to meet single women. I've just come to the conclusion that it's probably not God's plan for me so actively hoping for it is pointless.Have you ever gone to the Fatima Conference (CMRI) in Spokane, WA? It's every October. I see you are only 30 minutes away. I also see you have a CMRI church only 15 minutes away. I wish I were that close.
Have you ever gone to the Fatima Conference (CMRI) in Spokane, WA? It's every October. I see you are only 30 minutes away. I also see you have a CMRI church only 15 minutes away. I wish I were that close.No. I was unaware of the Fatima conference, but I'll keep my eye on it for this fall. That's good to know. I haven't been to that church yet (Mary Immaculate Queen). There's an SSPX chapel very close by that I attend. I'm actually trying to start a monthly board game night at the church, but I'm meeting some resistance.
No. I was unaware of the Fatima conference, but I'll keep my eye on it for this fall. That's good to know. I haven't been to that church yet (Mary Immaculate Queen). There's an SSPX chapel very close by that I attend. I'm actually trying to start a monthly board game night at the church, but I'm meeting some resistance.I happen to know that single ladies do attend that conference. ;-)
I happen to know that single ladies do attend that conference. ;-)Right on. I'll have to check out their class as well. I do attend a catechism class at my church, but it's not a setting that fosters any personal interaction. People show up right before the priest and briefly talk with the people they know. The priest gives his talk then everyone leaves. I'll have to check out MIQ to see if it's any different.
This is MIQ's website:
Livestreaming Mass – Mary Immaculate Queen Parish (miqparish.org)
T (http://www.miqparish.org/livestreaming-mass/)his seems like a larger parish. I have to think they have a social after mass there. Also, I see they have Saturday catechism classes for adults. All opportunities to meet others!
Right on. I'll have to check out their class as well. I do attend a catechism class at my church, but it's not a setting that fosters any personal interaction. People show up right before the priest and briefly talk with the people they know. The priest gives his talk then everyone leaves. I'll have to check out MIQ to see if it's any different.It can't hurt right? I just see how close you are, and I think this may be the answer to your prayers. We actually watch their livestream every Sunday morning. Fr Benedict is wonderful.
So I just saw an episode of Frasier that perfectly espouses how I feel. Someone asked Niles if he was lonely and his response was, "Only at times when I'm all by myself, or other times when I'm with other people." That sums it up when you're not close with anyone. I have buddies that I can hang out with at a local cigar lounge and we talk and BS about various topics, but that's all it is. If I dropped dead tomorrow and suddently stopped showing up, nobody would notice. I've invited tem to do various activities and I'm lucky if I get a response back telling me they can't participate as usually my invites are just ignored. Hanging out with them at the shop can be depressing as well because eventually, one of them will start talking about their family and then other guys start and that just kind of leaves me feeling even more lonely and depressed than I wold have been had I just stayed home by myself.In as big of a priory where you live... Have you considered asking some of your married men friends to introduce you to some single women that their wives know? If you ask enough men one of their wives might eventually know someone. Even if the men don't have time to hang out with you they might be able to talk to other people on your behalf. Many good traditional Catholic marriages have been made from friends introducing other friends or aquaintances.
Some people are obviously called to a hermitage and lives of solitude. I don't feel like I am because it just leaves me so miserable. I can't find a single woman or even other guy friends. That makes life very hard for someone not meant to be alone.
In as big of a priory where you live... Have you considered asking some of your married men friends to introduce you to some single women that their wives know? If you ask enough men one of their wives might eventually know someone. Even if the men don't have time to hang out with you they might be able to talk to other people on your behalf. Many good traditional Catholic marriages have been made from friends introducing other friends or aquaintances.Of my married men buddies, only 2 are Catholic. One of them travels a lot for work, I haven't seen or spoken with him for about 5 months and the other . . . . well, I just don't know him that well yet. I'm working on it, but I wouldn't expect he'd want to set his wife's friends up with someone he doesn't know very well yet either. Work in progress though.
Also... Have you asked for spiritual guidance as to your vocation from a priest? I almost became a nun but a good priest showed me that such was not my vocation. Most priests will make time for people to make an appointment for discussions of a vocation.
So I just saw an episode of Frasier that perfectly espouses how I feel. Someone asked Niles if he was lonely and his response was, "Only at times when I'm all by myself, or other times when I'm with other people." That sums it up when you're not close with anyone. I have buddies that I can hang out with at a local cigar lounge and we talk and BS about various topics, but that's all it is. If I dropped dead tomorrow and suddently stopped showing up, nobody would notice. I've invited tem to do various activities and I'm lucky if I get a response back telling me they can't participate as usually my invites are just ignored. Hanging out with them at the shop can be depressing as well because eventually, one of them will start talking about their family and then other guys start and that just kind of leaves me feeling even more lonely and depressed than I wold have been had I just stayed home by myself.I'm not sure that you aren't meant to be alone at this time of your life. You say you've always been alone, and you are now 44. That's quite a long time, and all the years of the formation of your character.
Some people are obviously called to a hermitage and lives of solitude. I don't feel like I am because it just leaves me so miserable. I can't find a single woman or even other guy friends. That makes life very hard for someone not meant to be alone.
I'm not sure that you aren't meant to be alone at this time of your life. You say you've always been alone, and you are now 44. That's quite a long time, and all the years of the formation of your character.I want to follow God's will for me and love God with my whole heart and entire existence. I've long believed that I must not be doing it right but I don't know how or what to change. I've always been taught and believed that by doing God's will, you will suffer, but will ultimately get some kind of joy or something out of it. Someone in this thread even mentioned that earlier. Experiencing decades of near hopelessness, loneliness, and pointlessness and misery leads me to believe that I'm not doing something right, but prayer for strength and the guidance to recognize and follow God's wll has been pointless as well. When you have a steady, lifelong stream of the following events happen, it's hard to persist:
Sometimes God lays a heavy cross on people. It is not necessarily that you are meant to be alone as a vocation, but that He asks this particular suffering of you, for reasons known only to His inscrutable wisdom. In a sense, He has prepared you for the rigors of this kind of anguish by training you up in loneliness. I know that many on this forum can speak to this, as can I.
Consider how many people there are who had true vocations to the priesthood or religious life, or even married life; but rather than fulfill these vocations, God asks them to suffer the terrible privations and pains caused by not realizing them. Each one of us has a Cross uniquely fabricated by the Master, the carrying of which makes up for what is lacking in the sufferings of Christ. Col. 1:24
I have yet to hear three things come forth out of your mouth:
1) I, Bataar, love Jesus Christ above all things, even myself.
2) I, Bataar, am willing to suffer anything Jesus asks of me, because I love Him above all things, including myself.
3) I, Bataar, completely submit, without reserve, to all the crosses, trials, and pains Jesus asks of me, for His love - even unto the abject failure of my mortal life's every hope and dream.
Whom do you love, Bataar?
Do you have an intimate friendship with God? If you don't, then your crisis of loneliness is actually a Divine call. He may very well be stinging you with darts of anguish, all the while closing temporal doors, so that you begin to earnestly seek Him.
I have a strong sense that you are estranged from God. Open your heart to Him, not to men. You were trained up in loneliness as one called out of the world. The ache in your heart is for Him, but you must allow Him to teach you how to recognize that and truly love Him. Only He can dilate and satisfy your heart.
Read The Confessions by St. Augustine.
I want to follow God's will for me and love God with my whole heart and entire existence. I've long believed that I must not be doing it right but I don't know how or what to change. I've always been taught and believed that by doing God's will, you will suffer, but will ultimately get some kind of joy or something out of it. Someone in this thread even mentioned that earlier. Experiencing decades of near hopelessness, loneliness, and pointlessness and misery leads me to believe that I'm not doing something right, but prayer for strength and the guidance to recognize and follow God's wll has been pointless as well. When you have a steady, lifelong stream of the following events happen, it's hard to persist:
Having a temp/contract job and learning that an opportunity exists to get hired full time. After praying for it to happen, the project I'm on gets canceled and instead of getting the full time job, I lose the temp job.
At one point, a little over 10 years ago, I did have a good group of close friends. I made prayers of thanksgiving to God for finally allowing it. Within a month, most of them moved away, got married or some such thing and the entire group fell apart and contact was lost leading me back to loneliness.
Befriending a Catholic woman who I was developing a good relationship with as friends and hoping to take it to the next level, but before that could happen, something came up on her end and she had to move to the other side of the country and ultimately contact was lost.
Multiple other similar events . . . .
Like I said earlier, God definitely calls people to hermetic life. I don't believe that's what I'm called to (perhaps I'm wrong) because I don't think I have the strength and mental capacity and fortitude to handle it.
I want to follow God's will for me and love God with my whole heart and entire existence. I've long believed that I must not be doing it right but I don't know how or what to change. I've always been taught and believed that by doing God's will, you will suffer, but will ultimately get some kind of joy or something out of it. Someone in this thread even mentioned that earlier. Experiencing decades of near hopelessness, loneliness, and pointlessness and misery leads me to believe that I'm not doing something right, but prayer for strength and the guidance to recognize and follow God's wll has been pointless as well. When you have a steady, lifelong stream of the following events happen, it's hard to persist:I 100% get it. But, I just don't know what advise to give. It has happened to me, but I got out of it somehow.
Having a temp/contract job and learning that an opportunity exists to get hired full time. After praying for it to happen, the project I'm on gets canceled and instead of getting the full time job, I lose the temp job.
At one point, a little over 10 years ago, I did have a good group of close friends. I made prayers of thanksgiving to God for finally allowing it. Within a month, most of them moved away, got married or some such thing and the entire group fell apart and contact was lost leading me back to loneliness.
Befriending a Catholic woman who I was developing a good relationship with as friends and hoping to take it to the next level, but before that could happen, something came up on her end and she had to move to the other side of the country and ultimately contact was lost.
Multiple other similar events . . . .
Like I said earlier, God definitely calls people to hermetic life. I don't believe that's what I'm called to (perhaps I'm wrong) because I don't think I have the strength and mental capacity and fortitude to handle it.
Keep praying for me, please. Not sure why, but this pain feels a lot worse lately. I'm not suicidal by any means, but I'm 44 and feel like I'm just waiting to die as my life has nothing else going for it and I don't have anything to realistically hope for.That is your cross. That one thing that is so difficult and that would make your life so much easier if it wasn't there. Take up your cross each day and carry it with Christ. The sacrifice of our Lord on the cross is the source of all graces. Every grace flows from his passion. Christ, the son of God carried his cross; we, sons of God by baptism, should carry ours. Carrying our crosses is made meritorious when united to Christ. Work now, so that you may enjoy the company of the best of friends with God for eternity.
After 50 years of life on this earth I personally know of no really happy marriages, honestly.
The ones I know are valiant warriors who are bearing it out despite the personal pain and suffering it causes.
There may be exceptions out there of course, but I'm only talking from personal experience.
Many children bring as many sorrows and sufferings as they bring earthly joys even in the best of circuмstances.
This is not to say that marriage and childbearing are not gifts from God with many joys,
but they are HIGHLY overrated as providers for happiness.
It's common for a spouse to feel acute loneliness in the marriage bed
and for a parent to feel acute loneliness in their living room surrounded by their family
simply because they do not share the same faith (and goals for sanctity)
even if they attend the same church.
This phenomena would be very hard for a single person to imagine
but it is real nonetheless and probably experienced by many at your chapel.
Some of the advantages to single life include:
the ability to think clearly because of a life of silence.
Often in a large family you are not able to complete a sentence much less have a moment of silence to complete a personal thought.
This makes it difficult to think through and process emotions as they arise and respond with reason and grace
much less contemplate and grow in spiritual matters.
There is so much more that can be said...
The "grass is always greener" is very, very true!
I'm in my mid-50s with three adult children. I have no spouse, no extended family connections, no friends. Thankfully I'm an introvert so I don't get lonely but every once in a blue moon I get bored. Then I'll just take on a new interest. Right now my focus is on updating a house I just bought. I'm also looking to take a second remote IT job so I can stack coins. I keep myself busy with work and hobbies. I agree with the statement that marriage is overrated as a source of personal happiness. People get married thinking it will be like prom night that lasts 50 years but really it's like 50 years with your parents. Not much different but maybe less freedom.Rather than stacking coins and keeping busy with hobbies, I'd use that extra income from a second job to help the poor at church repair/maintain their house, improve their home garden, cover car maintenance and help them to afford to travel to mass more often than just on sunday, if there's mass available on other days. There's not enough community cooperation and sharing of possessions these days as there was mentioned in the Acts of the Apostles.
Fr. Girouard once told me "marriage is a school of virtue" and with that I think we can all agree.
Rather than stacking coins and keeping busy with hobbies, I'd use that extra income from a second job to help the poor at church repair/maintain their house, improve their home garden, cover car maintenance and help them to afford to travel to mass more often than just on sunday, if there's mass available on other days. There's not enough community cooperation and sharing of possessions these days as there was mentioned in the Acts of the Apostles.
I'd love to hear more this. Can you share with us your experiences with working a second job to help the poor? Do you just pay their bills for them or give them cash? Not sure how to go about it so would love to hear how you are managing it. Do you write it off on your taxes and if so how to you do that? Do you get receipts from the poor people? Thanks.Unfortunately my situation changed to where I have very little income, so I can't give as much as I'd like, but I try to give material necessities rather than just cash. I'll offer physical labor when I have some free time, either just me, or get a few friends together to tackle a job that either saves money or could cost a lot to pay a business to do it. I'll start garden plants as my hobby to plant a garden for someone, or give them gas or oil and a filter for their car. Every little bit helps especially when the miles rack up quickly when the drive to church is so far. I'm a dummy when it comes to tax stuff, so if the gov. is happy, I don't care much about writeoffs as long as I have enough to survive and help others with.
Kind of had to chuckle and grimace simultaneously today. During confession, the priest told me I need to spend more time with good, Catholic friends. I definitely wish I could, but I feel that I've had hermitage forced on me.Consolations and dis-consolations go hand in hand, the gate is strait and the way narrow.
Consolations and dis-consolations go hand in hand, the gate is strait and the way narrow.
:pray: Carrying our Cross isn't always easy, I try to find the Lords' sweetness even in the dis-consolations.
- For my yoke is sweet and my burden light.
- If so be you have tasted that the Lord is sweet.
- The Lord is sweet and righteous: therefore he will give a law to sinners in the way.
- O taste, and see that the Lord is sweet: blessed is the man that hopeth in him.
- For the Lord is sweet, his mercy endureth for ever, and his truth to generation and generation.
- The Lord is sweet to all: and his tender mercies are over all his works.
- Praise ye the Lord, for the Lord is good: sing ye to his name, for it is sweet.
- But thou, O Lord, do with me for thy name's sake: because thy mercy is sweet. Do thou deliver me,
- O how good and sweet is thy spirit, O Lord, in all things!
Kind of had to chuckle and grimace simultaneously today. During confession, the priest told me I need to spend more time with good, Catholic friends. I definitely wish I could, but I feel that I've had hermitage forced on me.Our priest gave a beautiful sermon this past Sunday. During it he explained how the advice of priests in Confession are often God speaking through the priest.
I'd love to hear more this. Can you share with us your experiences with working a second job to help the poor? Do you just pay their bills for them or give them cash? Not sure how to go about it so would love to hear how you are managing it. Do you write it off on your taxes and if so how to you do that? Do you get receipts from the poor people? Thanks.
Our priest gave a beautiful sermon this past Sunday. During it he explained how the advice of priests in Confession are often God speaking through the priest.Events like that are good and everything, in and of themselves, but they're not good for me for the purpose of meeting people. Due to my weird brain, I need to be able to interact with people over some time to determine if they're someone I want to get to know more or talk to. I know I'm weird that way. For some reason, I hate doing small talk with people I don't know. People will suggest asking someone about their job or my mom used to suggest asking how long they've been a member of the churhc. I remember being almost shocked at those kinds of suggestions because why would I want to know that? How will that specific information be useful or relevant? I know, I know, I'm weird in that way, but that's how my brain works. I need to be able to get to know the person first so when I ask them a question like that, it's because I actually care about that person and have a specific interest in them. Odds are at an event like the Fatima Conference, I wouldn't have a chance to do anything like that first so conversation wouldn't really work for me.
Perhaps you could take this as a sign that God actually does not want you to be lonely but wants you to put more effort into making some good solid traditional Catholic friends.
I know that the CMRI has their Fatima Conference every year in August. Maybe some sort of event like that would help you? Or maybe ask the priest at your chapel if there is some sort of event you can help host or charitable service you can help with at your church. These things often give a chance and opportunity for people to meet others.
Events like that are good and everything, in and of themselves, but they're not good for me for the purpose of meeting people. Due to my weird brain, I need to be able to interact with people over some time to determine if they're someone I want to get to know more or talk to. I know I'm weird that way. For some reason, I hate doing small talk with people I don't know. People will suggest asking someone about their job or my mom used to suggest asking how long they've been a member of the churhc. I remember being almost shocked at those kinds of suggestions because why would I want to know that? How will that specific information be useful or relevant? I know, I know, I'm weird in that way, but that's how my brain works. I need to be able to get to know the person first so when I ask them a question like that, it's because I actually care about that person and have a specific interest in them. Odds are at an event like the Fatima Conference, I wouldn't have a chance to do anything like that first so conversation wouldn't really work for me.How are you today? What's the plan for the day? I'm going to pray a fervent decade of the Rosary for you, I hope you pray one for me too.
I've tried to start a montly board game night at my church that's open to nearly everyone, but the priests weren't too interested so that was dropped. While being able to develop a relationship with a traditional Catholic woman would be ideal, making friends with traditional Catholic men would be nice too. The problem is that at my age, the vast majority of them are married and don't have time for single friends.
How are you today? What's the plan for the day? I'm going to pray a fervent decade of the Rosary for you, I hope you pray one for me too.I'm doing alright today. No big plans for the weekend. I'll be going to confession tonight and tomorrow getting my winter tires put on my car, but that's about all I have planned. For the last few weeks, and back through the summer, I'd usually go fishing after work, but now the weather has changed and fishing is pretty much done until April.
How are you today? What's the plan for the day? I'm going to pray a fervent decade of the Rosary for you, I hope you pray one for me too.To St. Giles, Bataar, EWPJ, & Xavier Pope :pray:
Thank you Matthew & family for Cathinfo and the way that it connects us together
there can be a constant loneliness in the background (think: parents with zero Trad Catholic friends to socialize with, confide in, etc.) Think of all the families who can only get to a Trad Mass once a month or less, and even then, there aren't any adults their age to be close to or socialize with. Or no Trads to see/visit within a 1 hour radius or more.
May God grant you His grace and consolations. :pray:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vSQjk9jKargUnfortunately, I'm not finding a way to meet other Catholics. My autism (high functioning) definitely inhibits my social skills, but there just aren't any events to interact with others. My church doesn't even do coffee and donuts after Mass because they need everyone to leave ASAP so the parking spots can be available for people coming to the next Mass.
We are social beings. We all should do our part to get out there and socialize/interact with other Catholics to whatever extent will help us get to heaven. We might think we don't need it. We might think others don't need it, but I think the benefit to all aspects of people's lives can be huge.
Unfortunately, I'm not finding a way to meet other Catholics. My autism (high functioning) definitely inhibits my social skills, but there just aren't any events to interact with others. My church doesn't even do coffee and donuts after Mass because they need everyone to leave ASAP so the parking spots can be available for people coming to the next Mass.It's a similar situation where I'm at, though we still manage coffee & donuts somehow. After the last mass some people hang around for a good hour.
Surely the lonely will be abundantly the opposite in heaven if they persevere on earth.
This is just getting depressingly bad. I wish I could even think of something interesting to go do by myself.:pray:
This is just getting depressingly bad. I wish I could even think of something interesting to go do by myself.A road trip to a week or two stay at some religious congregation sounds interesting.
I was just skimming an article that talked about the beneficial effects -- contra depression -- of just getting outside in nature. I was quick to believe it. That's why I insisted on living in a rural area. It really does help. It's a real break to get outside and reset everything. Moving your body in light exercise (walking or better) multiplies the effect.In the summer, I do a lot of outdoor stuff. It's too cold and gets dark too early in the winter.
Try those things.
With all the weirdos around, you should be thanking God that you don't have to deal with them. Read a good book, listen to beautiful music, thank God that you're healthy, exercise either outside or indoors, write to a friend or relative or better yet - call them. Go to a concert, a movie, go to a park & people watch. You might then be grateful you don't have to deal with all the nit-wits. Do volunteer work. Guaranteed if you do these things you will soon be glad to have alone time & not complain. It's your own fault if you feel lonely with so many things to do - & needs someone to do them.This is what's really hard for me. Due to my autism (high functioning) it's really hard to come up with things to do that I don't find inherently interesting on their own, especially things I can do by myself. Board gaming is a huge interest, hobby and passion of mine, for example, but it's not something I can go do by myself. I do read books and listen to music at my house as well as play some video games. I'm not a huge fan of concerts. My home speaker system can reproduce sound much better than the speaker system at a hall or theater so music sounds better at home and since I'm not going to meet the performers anyway, paying to go listen to music that will sound inferior doesn't seem like a good idea. I do like movies and go to them occasionally, however, in recent years, most movies are trash and I wouldn't want to pay to see them as a matter of principle.
Please post again next month after doing some of these things. I'd like to know what - if anything - helped. I'm serious. :incense:
This is what's really hard for me. Due to my autism (high functioning) it's really hard to come up with things to do that I don't find inherently interesting on their own, especially things I can do by myself.Were you diagnosed?
When the weather is nicer, I do go to parks and places to walk my dogs, but in the winter, it's generally too cold and dark too early to do this. Not super interested in people watching, but I do like to get out. I do go out to dinner on occasion as well. The problem for me is that in order to make friends, I need to be able to repeatedly interact with them to get to know them before anything else. It's hard to explain, but I pretty much need to be able to learn about them, learn what common interests we have in order to learn if they're someone I want to engage with further.
This is just getting depressingly bad. I wish I could even think of something interesting to go do by myself.Dear Bataar,
In the summer, I do a lot of outdoor stuff. It's too cold and gets dark too early in the winter.Don't allow the seasons to be a deterrent, or maybe someday you can move to a warm climate. Winter walks can be brisk and refreshing, as well as walks in gentle rain. As I worked outside with cattle I never took up winter sports (I worked in the snow and cold, I don't need to go play in it), but many find winter activities as fun as summer ones. There are great clothing, camping, and other gear options for winter. I live in eastern WA and looked up sunrise and sunset here for December 20 (shortest daylight of the year) and there was still a solid 8 hours + of daylight.
Don't allow the seasons to be a deterrent, or maybe someday you can move to a warm climate. Winter walks can be brisk and refreshing, as well as walks in gentle rain. As I worked outside with cattle I never took up winter sports (I worked in the snow and cold, I don't need to go play in it), but many find winter activities as fun as summer ones. There are great clothing, camping, and other gear options for winter. I live in eastern WA and looked up sunrise and sunset here for December 20 (shortest daylight of the year) and there was still a solid 8 hours + of daylight.I'm in north Idaho and it's pretty much dark at 5:00. It used to be 4:30, but it is getting later to about 5. The other problem for me is that I'm 6'6" tall with a high inseem and size 15 or 16 feet. Finding warm enough winter clothes large enough to fit me is not an easy or affordable task. I was looking for a warm suit to do ice fishing and the cost of that threw me off.
This is what's really hard for me. Due to my autism (high functioning) it's really hard to come up with things to do that I don't find inherently interesting on their own, especially things I can do by myself. Board gaming is a huge interest, hobby and passion of mine, for example, but it's not something I can go do by myself. I do read books and listen to music at my house as well as play some video games. I'm not a huge fan of concerts. My home speaker system can reproduce sound much better than the speaker system at a hall or theater so music sounds better at home and since I'm not going to meet the performers anyway, paying to go listen to music that will sound inferior doesn't seem like a good idea. I do like movies and go to them occasionally, however, in recent years, most movies are trash and I wouldn't want to pay to see them as a matter of principle.
When the weather is nicer, I do go to parks and places to walk my dogs, but in the winter, it's generally too cold and dark too early to do this. Not super interested in people watching, but I do like to get out. I do go out to dinner on occasion as well. The problem for me is that in order to make friends, I need to be able to repeatedly interact with them to get to know them before anything else. It's hard to explain, but I pretty much need to be able to learn about them, learn what common interests we have in order to learn if they're someone I want to engage with further.
I have some questions for you. Do you consider yourself someone who requires a good deal of sensory stimulation - flashing lights, loud noises, colors, cascades of images? Secondly, does intense external sensory stimulation calm you down inside? Thirdly, if you are not getting enough sensory stimulation, do you feel anxious inside? Fourthly, do you have trouble concentrating on reading if there is no music on?You know what? I honestly don't know. I am a very visual person. I'd rather watch TV or a movie than read a book usually because I'd rather visually see what's going on than imagine it myself. That's not to say I don't do it, but it's just a preference. I'm not a huge fan of "obnoxious" things like flashing lights or loud noises just for the sake of it. When it comes to reading with music on, I'll have to try that sometime to compare. If what I'm reading is something I find genuinely interesting of its own merit, I can read it easily and the information sticks. I can almost recite it verbatim. If, however, what I'm reading is something I don't find super interesting, I have to really, really focus on it and often re-read it a few times to hopeflly get the information to stick so I can recall it.
If what I'm reading is something I find genuinely interesting of its own merit, I can read it easily and the information sticks. I can almost recite it verbatim. If, however, what I'm reading is something I don't find super interesting, I have to really, really focus on it and often re-read it a few times to hopeflly get the information to stick so I can recall it.That sounds like me, and it really sucks how difficult it can be for me to remember what I read. Sometimes it just doesn't click, and I have to keep going over the same thing trying to get my brain to engage. Music and sound in general is very distracting to me, so I wouldn't listen to music while reading. I will say that learning to play an instrument by memorizing music to play on it really helps my memory, but I might still have to take a study/homework approach to reading, where I write down key points to make a study guide to keep myself fresh on the info. A study guide can be easy enough to memorize based on the short simple organization of it, which lends well to reading from a somewhat photographic memory obtained from memorizing musical patterns from sheet or other visual medium. By learning to recognize and memorize short patterns, you can develop a sort of memory compression where you focus on memorizing what is short and easy as a prompt to help you reconstruct what all it represents.
You know what? I honestly don't know. I am a very visual person. I'd rather watch TV or a movie than read a book usually because I'd rather visually see what's going on than imagine it myself. That's not to say I don't do it, but it's just a preference. I'm not a huge fan of "obnoxious" things like flashing lights or loud noises just for the sake of it. When it comes to reading with music on, I'll have to try that sometime to compare. If what I'm reading is something I find genuinely interesting of its own merit, I can read it easily and the information sticks. I can almost recite it verbatim. If, however, what I'm reading is something I don't find super interesting, I have to really, really focus on it and often re-read it a few times to hopefully get the information to stick so I can recall it.
Thanks for your reply. I will ask you to consider one more thing.Praying, for me, is really hard. Probably due to my autism, I'm a results based person. It's really, really, REALLY hard for me to do things that don't seem to have any impact. Unfortunately, praying is one of these things. Do you know how many years I've prayed and asked God to help me make friends? When that doesn't work, I change it up and ask Him to help me deal with and accept my loneliness. When that doesn't work, I ask Him to to just help me in whatever way He sees fit. When that doesn't work I generally stop for a while. What happens is that when I really get into praying, I'll start to get hope that God is actually going to help me only to feel worse than previous when nothing changes or the situation gets worse.
I've been learning recently about the problem of distraction in the spiritual life. Oft times we practically "bug out" if we are left in too much solitude and silence. When we are alone, and opportunities for prayer abound, yet we almost invariably direct our glance outward. We look for some kind of stimulation to avoid the inward glance, which is so indispensably necessary for prayer.
I think it is safe for me to judge, based on your continuous pattern of posting your extreme discomfiture, that you are experiencing a serious interior crisis.
I judge further, based on many years of reading spiritual books, that this crisis is a call to prayer, a call to get closer to God, a call to seek Christ's help, and counsel, and light. Because, let's face it, no human being is capable of solving the problem you have repeatedly and consistently articulated. We know this because you tell us that you cannot solve it yourself, nor has anyone here solved it for you. Indisputably, it is a problem only God can solve; and if so, then God is calling you. There's no other possibility.
What does He want from you? I think He wants you to redirect your attention from the exterior forum to the interior, and He wants you to begin praying with more assiduity.
Now you do persist in telling us that you are deeply lonely, almost to the point of extreme desolation; and that your heart's most ardent desire is for human friendship. These admissions clearly demonstrate that your mind and will (thoughts and desires) are radically directed "without," radically oriented to the outside world, and committed to a perpetual searching for exterior material objects, namely human friends.
Another thing you tell us, is that your unhappiness is growing more and more intolerable. This clearly demonstrates that what you are doing and have been doing to solve your problem, is not the answer for you.
God understands your autism, your limits, your heart, better than you do. There's a reason He has not given you human relief. He has allowed a great conflict to arise in your soul, and also a great crisis of the heart. For it is your heart that plagues you; as it is the heart that plagues every man, whether he be carnal or spiritual.
In your personal calamity, I cannot perceive aught but a loud Divine call to stop whatever you are doing, put away your current mental machinations, and turn to God in prayer. But more than that, and this is important; it is a call to consciously fix your gaze upon your own heart, where He is going to meet you, and reveal to you two realities - your miserable state of soul, and His abiding Presence and Help.
The answer to your problem is locality. You have left your own heart. You have left it unguarded and untended. You have left yourself and your Divine Lord all alone in your heart, while you roam about the world looking for a mirage.
You literally and consciously have to travel to your own interior, where you will encounter Jesus Christ. Go there, pull up a chair, and talk to Him about your life. Ask Him zillions of questions. He will never tire of you. Ask Him to teach you how to listen to Him and how to discern your own depths.
Keep doing what you're doing. Keep scoping the exterior terrain, and keep being miserable. Or set your GPS (God Positioning System) to your innermost heart, where your "Human Friend" awaits you.
Praying, for me, is really hard. Probably due to my autism, I'm a results based person. It's really, really, REALLY hard for me to do things that don't seem to have any impact. Unfortunately, praying is one of these things.
I have had this sense of you from the get go. But think about something.I pray to help get to know Him more and to increase my desire to get to know Him more and to strengthen my faith and help me love Him more, but again, those are intentions. When I mentioned the situation several years ago where I had a group of friends and lost them all, one of them was a Chinese friend I went to college with. We were really good friends for several years and eventually, he met another group of Chinese people his own age and pretty much started hanging out with them exclusively. Before I realized what was going on, I'd still try to connect with and hang out with him. I'd call him and leave a voicemail. Eventually, I stopped leaving voicemails as I never got a call back. After a little bit longer, I stopped calling altogether. Friendship is a two way street, if only one person is trying to communicate, it doesn't work. That's how I feel it is with God. When I pray, it's akin to me leaving a voicemail for God, one that never gets a response. Eventually, you lose the urge to call. I haven't give up completely and still pray and go to Mass and keep the traditional rules of fasting, etc, but it's hard to pray when it feels like it has absolutely zero impact on anything.
You tell us that it takes you a while to get to know people. That you have to be in their company repeatedly before you can loosen up and find things to say (I paraphrase). This has been a problem for you because these opportunities are rare, if not non-existent. Nevertheless, in spite of the obstacles, you do not change in your desires. You insist that this is what you want. You want relationship, which requires time spent together and converse.
Now consider prayer. It can be intense meditation, either by imagining Christ in the Gospels, or by deep considerations of Truths of faith.
But also prayer is simply speaking with our Lord, as to our best Friend. And indeed, one does not go from zero to sixty with the Lord Jesus. Friendship with Him is a gradual process, a lifelong quest. He reveals Himself and gives Himself more intensely over time as a reward for a soul's steadfast dedication to Him and love for Him. It's just like a human friendship. There must be interest and attention on both sides. There must be reciprocity in kind and degree. Friendship grows over time, but only when both parties fully participate it.
You report that you are very capable of making petitions to God; but are you attracted to Him? Does He, as the Incarnate Word of the Father, interest you for His own sake? Do you desire to know Him more deeply? Do you want to know everything He said and what He thinks about everything? Do you want to be close to Him? Do you look at Him and marvel at His loveliness and His wisdom? Do you long for His love? I say, does He interest you?
Not to sound coarse or unfeeling, but is He nothing more than a slot machine to you? You put your quarter in and see what, if anything, comes out.
Consider: He assumed a human nature. He is capable of every interior motion that you are capable of. He loves, He weeps, He gets angry, He expresses indignation at ingratitude. He cultivates friends, and even gives priority of affection to certain individuals, always because of their love and devotion to Him. He experiences profound sorrow when souls pay no attention to Him, ignore Him, have no interest in Him for His own sake, neglect even the most rudimentary courtesies and shows of love and devotion and friendship. He is offended when people treat Him like a slot machine.
Have you ever made this petition to Him? "O Jesus, that I may love Thee."
I tell you, Bataar, He is not a Savior to be trifled with.
If you do not love the Lord Jesus, then the reason you have no friends is not that He won't help you, it is that your heart is ice cold.
Blame autism all you want. It's not autism's fault. I suspect that you are not asking Christ for the graces He wills to give you. You are not asking Him for His own Friendship and His own Love.
I tell you, Bataar, He is not a Savior to be trifled with.
And now, as far as my replies on this thread are concerned, "Consummatum est."
The biggest problem for me, I think, comes down to my "special interests". For autistic people, special interests can be quite the burden as that can be all you want to focus on, or even think about. While I've definitely gotten better as I've gotten older, It's really, really hard for me to want to go out and do anything that's not related somehow to one of my interests or something I'm interested in in some way. Other than going to the store or runningi errands, I pretty much just stay home because I can't think of anything I want to do for its sake.
[...]
Not sure why I'm posting this exactly, just trying to illustrate how my brain works I suppsoe. Can't really figure out a way around it.
I'm in north Idaho and it's pretty much dark at 5:00. It used to be 4:30, but it is getting later to about 5. The other problem for me is that I'm 6'6" tall with a high inseem and size 15 or 16 feet. Finding warm enough winter clothes large enough to fit me is not an easy or affordable task. I was looking for a warm suit to do ice fishing and the cost of that threw me off.Oh. No. That’s really difficult to find clothing and shoes.
I’ve recently been told by three people that it’s likely I am “on the autistic spectrum” and should really get myself tested and diagnosed. [...]
28 (https://drbo.org/cgi-bin/d?b=drb&bk=47&ch=11&l=28-#x)Come to me, all you that labour, and are burdened, and I will refresh you. 29 (https://drbo.org/cgi-bin/d?b=drb&bk=47&ch=11&l=29-#x)Take up my yoke upon you, and learn of me, because I am meek, and humble of heart: and you shall find rest to your souls. 30 (https://drbo.org/cgi-bin/d?b=drb&bk=47&ch=11&l=30-#x)For my yoke is sweet and my burden light.
The same is true for talking to people. Once I'm friends with someone, I can talk meaningfully about them and legitimately care about what's going on with them and their lives, but for strangers, I pretty much can't do that. If I talk to a stranger or someone I'm not close with, the whole purpose in talking to them is to discuss a certain subject that's interesting. I'm not shy, but if a person is a stranger, I don't know if we share common interests that would merit a discussion so there's no reason to talk to them.I haven't read all of the posts, but I noticed you wrote something similar back on the first page in March 2023.
A lot of people suggest, for example, asking someone about their job. For my brain, this is very counterintuitive. Why do I want to know about this person's job? How will the information they provide be beneficial in and of itself? More than likely, I'll never see this person again so the information they provide, regarding their specific job will be absolutely useless once the conversation ends making it pointless to even ask in the first place.
Bataar, first and foremost, you're a CATHOLIC, are you not?I merely state the autism fact to give people insight into how my brain works and how I think, which is quite different. I can't think of anything to do outside of my house, by myself. One of my problems, that I haven't figured out how to work around is that I'm really, really good in seeing the negative side of things. Someone can suggest something and instantly, I can think of a dozen reasons why the suggestion won't work. I need to be able to do activities around things I find interesting. Yes, I find God and the faith interesting, but there's no way to meet people doing that. I can go make a holy hour at my church and if, while I'm there praying, someone else comes in, I can't exactly go start talking to them in the church. I don't view the church as a valid way to meet people as there are no social activities at churches that foster meeting people. People have suggested I try to start my own group. I have and it didn't go anywhere. I suppose I can continuously email and email and email the priest/pastor repeatedly, but I'm just not that kind of person. After reaching out a few times and getting no response, I dropped the idea. If the church isn't an option, where does one meet other single (men and women) Catholics?
In all charity, please, try this: drop the autism angle already. You've allowed it to become a case of the tail-wagging-the-dog.
Maybe the diagnosis is useful for specific methods in the education of children, for vocational counseling that maybe someone should work in a back office and not as a salesperson, etc. etc. But when autism becomes a person's self-declared identity, it's a very dangerous thing.
What did people do in all the centuries before some modernist (probably atheist) "professionals" came up with the definition and started categorizing more and more children and adults this way? (Consider that there are lots of parallels between the academics who argue in favor of "neurodiversity" and those who argue in favor of "gender diversity", but that's another topic.) The label becomes a crutch that's more crippling than helpful.
You speak of your brain as if it's somehow separate from you and is what determines your daily beliefs and behavior. No, your brain is just an organ inside your skull. What is you is your SOUL. What determines your thoughts and behavior is your WILL.
Plenty people in this thread have given you advice about how to stay busy during the day. That's about using your WILL to put some of those pointers into practice. Have you changed your habits at all? Have you sincerely asked God to help you change your habits? No need to reply, these are questions for you to consider honestly with yourself.
Plenty of people in this thread have given you spiritual advice about how to ensure that you're putting Our Lord first in your priorities, and how to look to Him for guidance and fortitude. You are the only one who can quietly and humbly reflect on the state of your soul. Others can't do it for you. Look through CathInfo in The Sacred (https://www.cathinfo.com/the-sacred-catholic-liturgy-chant-prayers/), The Library (https://www.cathinfo.com/the-library/), etc. Do a web search on a traditional Examen of Conscience, print it out, put it in your pocket, and go over it daily. DECIDE that your "special interests" include what's most necessary in your inner life.
I haven't read all of the posts, but I noticed you wrote something similar back on the first page in March 2023.This is where my brain is wired differently. If I don't know the person, then I have no real interest in them. At this point, they're just another person. When I talk to someone, it's the subject of the conversation that is the most important thing. What makes one person I don't know someone I'd want to talk to and get to know more than another person? If I go to a group setting and there are a bunch of people there I don't know. I can have short conversations with many people but that won't give me a chance to get to know them well enough to determine if they're someone I'm going to want to get together or engage with as a friend later on. If talk to 10 random people, that will likely not be a pleasant experience and due to the fact that in those settings, conversations aren't allowed to go really deep and foster getting to really know if you share common interests, nothing will develop from it so for me, it seems pointless. Yes, I know that's not right, but I can't help it. It's how my brain works.
When speaking with people, I think the idea is that we are doing it to show interest in THEM. It shouldn't matter if what they say is useless or beneficial to US. I have found that when I do this, I forget what might be bothering me/stop thinking about myself.
Yes, I know that's not right, but I can't help it. It's how my brain works.Everyone has natural inclinations, natural ways of thinking and such. But you need to get outside of your comfort zone and challenge yourself. If you only do things which are natural for you, then you’ll become stagnant. Much of the time, what people call loneliness is actually boredom. You’re looking for a person to fill the boredom, but what your brain is craving is something to do, to learn, to grow.
This is where my brain is wired differently. If I don't know the person, then I have no real interest in them. At this point, they're just another person. When I talk to someone, it's the subject of the conversation that is the most important thing. What makes one person I don't know someone I'd want to talk to and get to know more than another person? If I go to a group setting and there are a bunch of people there I don't know. I can have short conversations with many people but that won't give me a chance to get to know them well enough to determine if they're someone I'm going to want to get together or engage with as a friend later on. If talk to 10 random people, that will likely not be a pleasant experience and due to the fact that in those settings, conversations aren't allowed to go really deep and foster getting to really know if you share common interests, nothing will develop from it so for me, it seems pointless. Yes, I know that's not right, but I can't help it. It's how my brain works.Being a Catholic means acting not as we want and feel but picking up our cross and following the will of God.
Again, I'm not trying to argue to be argumentative. I'm merely trying to show how my brain and thought process works so people will have a better idea on how I work so they can understand me better.
Being a Catholic means acting not as we want and feel but picking up our cross and following the will of God.I have been praying for years to be able to follow God's will. Due to various factors, I don't feel like I am following it. Since God's will for me is still a complete mystery, how do I best follow it?
There is a saying of the saints that perfection consists in this: "To forget oneself" and "To do the will of another rather than one's own". I highly recommend the book "The Gift of Oneself" by Father Scruvyer.
"Right is right since God is God
And right the day must win
To doubt would be disloyalty
To falter would be sin."
Fr. W. Faber
I think that my spiritual reading for today was meant for you:
I have been praying for years to be able to follow God's will. Due to various factors, I don't feel like I am following it. Since God's will for me is still a complete mystery, how do I best follow it?
I have been praying for years to be able to follow God's will. Due to various factors, I don't feel like I am following it. Since God's will for me is still a complete mystery, how do I best follow it?What have you been up to lately?
What have you been up to lately?Thankfully the weather has been getting nicer so I've been able to get out and do some fishing. That's been about it lately. Still haven't been able to come up with many things I want to go do by myself.
I'll come right out and say it, but this is just a rant. I don't really have anyone to rant to, so I'm doing it here. If you have any thoughts or suggestions, I'd be happy to hear them. If not, I'm happy as well. :)
So I went to confession today and confessed a sin I committed that was a result of my loneliness. The priest was understanding, but he did fall back on the, what I consider tired response of, "You're never alone when you have Jesus." After all, Jesus is more than willing to help as he loves me infinitely and I just need to ask. He was more verbose than that, but that's an essential summary. He also said I need to focus on making some friends.
Yes, I believe Jesus loves me, but for whatever reason, I believe He's not going to help me with this. I've prayed and prayed and prayed to help me live His will and help me find the path I'm supposed to be on. No matter how much I pray or talk to Him, my loneliness does not improve, in fact, it usually feels worse. And focus on making friends? I've essentially given up on that as it continues to prove to be an exercise in futility and frustration. I'm a 45 year old single man. Finding and meeting other similarly aged, single men with common interests is about just as viable as finding a large, manila envelope containing a couple hundred thousand dollars when walking down the street. Anyway, end rant.
My priest gave me a correction in confession yesterday, and I received a similar rebuke about a month ago - different priest. It boiled down to me refusing to submit to God's will. The truth is that I want something from Him, and have wanted it for over twenty years, and He will not give it to me. Not only that, He has stripped me of anything I already had along that same line. As in your case, "it has gotten worse."After reading Trustful Surrender to Divine Providence, I learned that a good way to deal with similar situations is to pray for two things: to obtain what you desire OR to remove that desire. This way the prayer is always answered and you are never disappointed.
Yet I must say that the rebukes have helped me a lot. They helped me see where I'm actually sinning in my desire. Not that what I desire is sinful. In fact what I desire is one of the highest goods. That which is sinful, is what this desire does in my soul. It pits me against the very God Who is the very object of that desire. Go figure that one out! LOL!!
I think I know why things feel worse when you pray and talk to the Lord about your loneliness. That very act strengthens the very desire which torments you so.
Have you considered doing whatever is necessary to staunch and obliterate your desire? Yes, I said that.
In my study of the Desert Fathers, I learned that frustration of desire is the basis of some of the worst habits of sin. The problem comes from the person refusing to let go of the desire. The desire itself is a sinful attachment. Yes, I know it sounds crazy that the desire for friends could be sinful. But any desire is sinful when it is inordinate and when it causes rebellion in the soul against the will of God.
Pray to St. Raphael, and ask him to help you put this desire of yours on the hot coals, that it may be consumed as a sacrifice, and that the devils producing it (yes, I said that), be smoked out of your heart.
I think that you may be under an obsession, placed in your mind by the devil, which he now uses to torment you.
Let go this desire. Let it go.
After reading Trustful Surrender to Divine Providence, I learned that a good way to deal with similar situations is to pray for two things: to obtain what you desire OR to remove that desire. This way the prayer is always answered and you are never disappointed.
I'm happy to hear this, 2V. The principle is quite sound.I would love to be married and have a family. It just doesn't seem to be a realistic possibility so I don't focus on it. Focusing on finding and making buddy level friends is nearly impossible in and of itself so hoping to make deep and meaningful friendships or the absolute best option, a holy and Catholic spouse seem just as realistic as hoping to win the lottery.
I had a thought about you, Bataar. You are 45 and single, and your desire is for friendship, not marriage and children. Have you determined that you are not called to marriage? Usually by the age of 45, good Catholic men are married and raising families, and have no time for the friendships of their youth. Friendship requires an investment of time and energy. Married men must channel their energies into making a living and caring for their families. They just aren't available for merry-making, as they once were.
I don't think it is unreasonable to believe that in the post-Vatican II debacle, Catholic men called to the single life are excluded from the married state precisely in order that they may devote themselves more energetically and intensely to God's cause. They are higher-ranking soldiers of Christ, in a sense. They may be called to a hidden life of intense prayer and mortification, or to a public life devoted to a more explicit defense of the Faith.
I really cannot imagine that God has in store for any single Catholic man of the age of 45, a peaceful life of recreation and diversion and affable society and comfort. C'mon!
Everything you say leads me to believe that you do not want to expend very much energy, either in the direction of defending the Faith or of marriage and family. The friendship that you seek, at the age of 45, seems to me to be nothing more than a form of recreation and diversion.
Me begins to think the problem is not "loneliness," but a life that is drifting along without a firm sense of purpose. Most assuredly, you are not the only one who suffers from this. It is the malaise of our age. But it must be recognized and combatted - or else prepare to suffer like this the rest of your life.
I generally can't think of a reason to leave my house by myself so I just stay home.Most times, life happens with you least expect it. If you think you can, you can. If you think you can't, you can't.
I know I won't meet anyone at my house, but if I can't think of anything to go do by myself, I'm at a dead end.You need to quit thinking and just go do something. Your close-mindedness is preventing you from growth and new experiences.
Most times, life happens with you least expect it. If you think you can, you can. If you think you can't, you can't.You can't quit thinking. Say I'm at my house. I decide to go somewhere. I walk out to my car and get in. Where do I drive to?
You need to quit thinking and just go do something. Your close-mindedness is preventing you from growth and new experiences.
You can't quit thinking.It's a phrase which means, quit over analyzing things. Which may be difficult for you, but not impossible.
Say I'm at my house. I decide to go somewhere. I walk out to my car and get in. Where do I drive to?The point is, you NEED to get some hobbies, interests, etc. You're loneliness can be minimized if your mind is occupied (i.e. you are working on some project or goal).
You can't quit thinking. Say I'm at my house. I decide to go somewhere. I walk out to my car and get in. Where do I drive to?Here are some ideas!
I would love to be married and have a family. It just doesn't seem to be a realistic possibility so I don't focus on it. Focusing on finding and making buddy level friends is nearly impossible in and of itself so hoping to make deep and meaningful friendships or the absolute best option, a holy and Catholic spouse seem just as realistic as hoping to win the lottery.
My autism is a huge obstacle when it comes to anything social. My brain is wires backwards for lack of a better term. Most people get to know people by just talking to them. They can be with a group of complete strangers and just start talking to them because it is the act of the conversation itself that is important.
I need to be able to get to know someone through repeated interactions with them to learn if they're someone I can have a conversation with. Put me in a room with a bunch of strangers and I'm lost. I don't have any reason to talk to one person over another person and since I don't know them, I have no idea what they would be interested in talking about. It's hard for me to stress how important this is, but when I talk to someone I don't know, the topic of the discussion is the most important thing. Obviously if the person is someone I do know and care about on some level, things are different as I actually do care about that person and want to know more about them.
I'm also very purposeful. Everything I do has a purpose, even if it's something as simple as relieving boredom. I generally can't think of a reason to leave my house by myself so I just stay home. I know I won't meet anyone at my house, but if I can't think of anything to go do by myself, I'm at a dead end.
I used to joke about finding the wonderful and seemingly mythical place known only as "Out There". I can't count the number of times I've heard, "You just need to get out there." I never could get a specific location or time from them. 😉
I would love to be married and have a family. It just doesn't seem to be a realistic possibility so I don't focus on it. Focusing on finding and making buddy level friends is nearly impossible in and of itself so hoping to make deep and meaningful friendships or the absolute best option, a holy and Catholic spouse seem just as realistic as hoping to win the lottery.This thread has been alive for over a year now. Have you tried any of the advice given? If not, why not? if yes, which ones did you try and what happened?
My autism is a huge obstacle when it comes to anything social. My brain is wires backwards for lack of a better term. Most people get to know people by just talking to them. They can be with a group of complete strangers and just start talking to them because it is the act of the conversation itself that is important.
I need to be able to get to know someone through repeated interactions with them to learn if they're someone I can have a conversation with. Put me in a room with a bunch of strangers and I'm lost. I don't have any reason to talk to one person over another person and since I don't know them, I have no idea what they would be interested in talking about. It's hard for me to stress how important this is, but when I talk to someone I don't know, the topic of the discussion is the most important thing. Obviously if the person is someone I do know and care about on some level, things are different as I actually do care about that person and want to know more about them.
I'm also very purposeful. Everything I do has a purpose, even if it's something as simple as relieving boredom. I generally can't think of a reason to leave my house by myself so I just stay home. I know I won't meet anyone at my house, but if I can't think of anything to go do by myself, I'm at a dead end.
I used to joke about finding the wonderful and seemingly mythical place known only as "Out There". I can't count the number of times I've heard, "You just need to get out there." I never could get a specific location or time from them. 😉
Have you ever looked into social networks for people with autism? Where people can share their frustrations and challenges and get to know one another over time, as you say you require?I'm a member of some online groups for people with autism. No one in those groups live near me though. When I lived in the Seattle area, I tried going to some in person groups, but they were all mostly for people who were much lower functioning than I am. The few higher functioning people who attended were practically communist when it came to their social views so I didn't engage with them at all.
These people might not be Catholic, but they might be decent enough for you to interact with.
You might even meet a woman who understands you.
This thread has been alive for over a year now. Have you tried any of the advice given? If not, why not? if yes, which ones did you try and what happened?I've definitely tried praying more and asking for help to find and follow God's will for me. If I'm meant to be alone then give me the stregnth to deal with it and stuff like that. Unfortunately, no amount of prayer seems to help or make any difference. I've tried finding new hobbies, but that hasn't worked. Being autistic, I have a few very specialised interests and trying to add new ones on a whim is nearly impossible. Thankfully the weather is getting nicer so I'm able to go fishing fairly frequently and walk my dogs, but while those are things I enjoy and will definitely alliviate boredom, they've never helped me meet anyone. I also really enjoy board games but I need to know people to play them with so that hobby is kind of dead right now. I tried to start a board game night at my church, but that fell through as the priests didn't seem interested in having one.
I have only skimmed through the last handful of posts but I'm wondering if you've ever been to a retreat? Not sure if that's something you would go for, but the (https://sspx.org/en/ignatian-retreats-us-district-34951) SSPX (https://sspx.org/en/ignatian-retreats-us-district-34951)is having some Ignatian retreats now if you're willing to travel a bit. I've never been, but those who've been to one or more rave about all the benefits, seems like something you might want to attend perhaps?I have not been on a retreat like that. I'm not opposed to one, by any means, but don't see how a retreat kept in silence and solitude would help me meet people. Maybe there is just something I'm missing.
but don't see how a retreat kept in silence and solitude would help me meet people.You’re falsely assuming that “meeting people” is going to solve all your problems.
I have not been on a retreat like that. I'm not opposed to one, by any means, but don't see how a retreat kept in silence and solitude would help me meet people. Maybe there is just something I'm missing.Are you able to move to an area that has an active tradition Catholic community like St. Mary's, Kansas or Cinnanati, Ohio, or Ohmaha, Nebraska ? Maybe an area with like minded people will help.
I have not been on a retreat like that. I'm not opposed to one, by any means, but don't see how a retreat kept in silence and solitude would help me meet people. Maybe there is just something I'm missing.
You’re falsely assuming that “meeting people” is going to solve all your problems.What Pax said is the jist of what my suggestion was about, but my suggestion was also about you getting divine assistance in your situation (tribulation?). From what I understand, Ignatian retreats are an excellent aid in all sorts of afflictions, which would include suffering from loneliness.
This ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
"Me begins to think the problem is not "loneliness," but a life that is drifting along without a firm sense of purpose. Most assuredly, you are not the only one who suffers from this. It is the malaise of our age. But it must be recognized and combatted - or else prepare to suffer like this the rest of your life."
This ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^This is true as well. My life does not seem to have a purpose. I'm unable to move forward in any way whether that be regarding making new friends, developing a romantic relationship, finding a career path, etc etc. No matter what I try in any of those areas just fails. I'm not suicidal by any means, but I feel like Im pretty much just waiting to die, which, with my luck means I'll outlive everyone in my family. 😜
This is true as well. My life does not seem to have a purpose. I'm unable to move forward in any way whether that be regarding making new friends, developing a romantic relationship, finding a career path, etc etc. No matter what I try in any of those areas just fails. I'm not suicidal by any means, but I feel like Im pretty much just waiting to die, which, with my luck means I'll outlive everyone in my family. 😜Many of the Saints longed for death, as being alive meant they could sin and offend God.
This is true as well. My life does not seem to have a purpose. I'm unable to move forward in any way whether that be regarding making new friends, developing a romantic relationship, finding a career path, etc etc. No matter what I try in any of those areas just fails. I'm not suicidal by any means, but I feel like Im pretty much just waiting to die, which, with my luck means I'll outlive everyone in my family. 😜https://www.cathinfo.com/sspx-resistance-sermons/most-holy-body-blood-of-christ-fr-chazal/msg938397/#msg938397
Many of the Saints longed for death, as being alive meant they could sin and offend God.Exactly!
I would love to be married and have a family. It just doesn't seem to be a realistic possibility so I don't focus on it. Focusing on finding and making buddy level friends is nearly impossible in and of itself so hoping to make deep and meaningful friendships or the absolute best option, a holy and Catholic spouse seem just as realistic as hoping to win the lottery.
My autism is a huge obstacle when it comes to anything social. My brain is wires backwards for lack of a better term. Most people get to know people by just talking to them. They can be with a group of complete strangers and just start talking to them because it is the act of the conversation itself that is important.
I need to be able to get to know someone through repeated interactions with them to learn if they're someone I can have a conversation with. Put me in a room with a bunch of strangers and I'm lost. I don't have any reason to talk to one person over another person and since I don't know them, I have no idea what they would be interested in talking about. It's hard for me to stress how important this is, but when I talk to someone I don't know, the topic of the discussion is the most important thing. Obviously if the person is someone I do know and care about on some level, things are different as I actually do care about that person and want to know more about them.
I'm also very purposeful. Everything I do has a purpose, even if it's something as simple as relieving boredom. I generally can't think of a reason to leave my house by myself so I just stay home. I know I won't meet anyone at my house, but if I can't think of anything to go do by myself, I'm at a dead end.
I used to joke about finding the wonderful and seemingly mythical place known only as "Out There". I can't count the number of times I've heard, "You just need to get out there." I never could get a specific location or time from them. 😉
How has the fishing been this year?It's been pretty good. Definitely a quality over quantity year. Not catching quite as many as previous years, but the ones I do catch are a little bigger. Good times.
What kinds? Do you prefer live bait?I'd love to be able to use live bait for catfish, but unfortunately, live bait is illegal in Idaho. I use cut bait for catfish inside. I also do a lot of bass fishing and I use various lures for that. I have an electric motor on my kayak so I can also troll for kokanee salmon. They're delicious.
Please see my PM
Do you smoke the salmon, or what? If you smoke it, what kinds of smoke wood do you prefer?I smoke a lot of it. Apple wood chips are probably my favorite. I dry brine the filets in a 4x1 mixture of sugar (brown or maple) and kosher salt for 24 hours and smoke them with the apple chips.
How's life?So so. Still looking for work after getting laid off a while back.
So so. Still looking for work after getting laid off a while back.Might it be time to go fishing? At least you’ll be eating despite not having work. When you go fishing, be sure to speak to at least three people before returning home. I don’t necessarily mean have a whole conversation, just a quick, “Beautiful (Nasty) weather we’re having.” Buy bait and thank the cashier. “Nice catch!” “They just aren’t biting today. Better luck next time.”
Might it be time to go fishing? At least you’ll be eating despite not having work. When you go fishing, be sure to speak to at least three people before returning home. I don’t necessarily mean have a whole conversation, just a quick, “Beautiful (Nasty) weather we’re having.” Buy bait and thank the cashier. “Nice catch!” “They just aren’t biting today. Better luck next time.”Unfortunately, due to the time of year, fishing is just about done for the next several months.
So so. Still looking for work after getting laid off a while back.The Church always has work, and the pay is eternal. Many friends and much peace can be found there. Why not give religious life a try? The chance of salvation as a religious is extremely high, and your reward in heaven is likely to be much greater.
The cure for many ailments of the soul, such as lonliness, is to do things for others.bingo
Bataar, do you not feel motivated to try to help others who may be going through similar difficulties as yourself? I'm not saying you have to, but it would be a great act of charity and spiritual work of mercy. Being single provides much freedom for such acts of charity. Something to think about.I'd be up for that. I like helping people. The problem is that I don't know anyone who needs help. I really don't know anyone regardless so that makes sense. I've done volunteer work in the past, but that just amounted to helping clean stuff and didn't really seem to matter.