If anything, the Popes abandoned the Holy Spirit during the second Vatican Council and did the work of men. It's a very interesting subject to study, in which you will find that the Holy Spirit was still there preserving the church, and that all of the errors of Vatican II were already condemned. Strangely the Popes did nothing after Vat II when things were getting worse in the church even after drawing a connection to the council. Have confidence and much peace. Don't let anything agitate you or take your peace. This is just another trial the church is going through like so many before, such as the Arian heresy, but this time it's more like the church is on the cross than just scourged, because we are dealing with the synthesis of all heresies. Pray the Rosary, if possible 15 mysteries per day, pray for a holy Pope, Bishops, and Priests. And get a Douay Rheims Bible with the Haydock compiled Commentary.

the Rosary in the evenings? Truth be told, I don't think I am ready to take on any sides or study the trials going on within the Church yet.  

Hang in there, StrivingCatholic. The devil always attacks. Be strong and grow in the true faith. You are in my prayers.

Remember 1 Peter 5:8-9: "Be sober and watch: because your adversary the devil, as a roaring lion, goeth about seeking whom he may devour. Whom resist ye, strong in faith..."

Well it's actually a very long story, for those who can keep their eyes open.

I am actually 45 now. The seed was planted by my aunt more than 20 years ago while I was still a drug user since I was a teen. During that time, I joined gangs and always gotten high from drugs and whatnot in my teenage years, before I joined the National Service in Singapore (a mandatory 2-year military training for those aged 18). Even during the period where I was in the military for those couple of years, I was extremely rebellious and continued with drugs and AWOLed multiple times, landed myself into prison and detention barracks. I had no dreams, no future... all I wanted was the next high. My late mother did not even know how to help me anymore and sort of gave up.

However, during the period where I AWOLed for the last time (I think), I was hiding out in my home then, my aunt gave me a call to talk to me about praying to God for deliverance and help. She gave me my first 1 decade rosary, crucifix and miraculous medal, and slowly mentored me day-after-day in my prayer life while I was on AWOL. Never once did she mention I should surrender to the authorities but she tell me to keep praying. In my desperation, I felt a close affinity to the Virgin Mary then and seem to love to spend time with her. There was serenity and courage during that period of time when I was reciting the rosary. Bear in mind, I was young and could only do 5 decades each time and even then it took me over 40 mins because I was very careful to meditate on each mystery for 5 mins before praying the Hail Mary fervently, instead of just chanting it.Over time, I contemplated on baptism one day but I know if I do not surrender to the authorities, I will still be stuck in that situation and cannot attend RCIA for a year to get baptised. Finally, I made the decision to surrender and stood infront of the detention barracks, which they were caught by surprised because no one actually goes there to surrender. But the entire time, there was no fear but only consolation that I wasn't alone at all but our Mother was with me. They did not ill-treat me or spoke harshly to me either (which was common to those waiting to be charged here).

However, upon release, I quickly forgot about God and strayed away once more. After I left the Army, I took on a couple of jobs before finally landing on a job which promoted me to a managerial role for a time-sharing company at the age of 22. To be honest, that is not a good age to become a manager, at least for me. Soon I was on 'higher-class drugs', rented a room in a private apartment, lavish money and gifts on people who would be my 'friends'. It wasn't long before I lost my job, income and got stuck again. Broke as I was, I was too proud to ask anyone for help. Until the very last few days where my money can still sustain me on simple food, in my desperation, I knelt and begged God to save me because I have nowhere else to go, no one else to turn to since those 'friends' kinda vanished. Few minutes later, my late mother called me on my phone which she rarely does and somehow in that conversation which I couldn't recall very well, she told me to return home.

Even with that loud and clear help from God, I still strayed and forgot about Him. I did manage to hold on to my jobs after that and became clean many years. Got married (civil marriage) because of a pregnancy, marriage did not last as the woman I married was an adulterer which tore our marriage apart and I left them for several years (I am no saint either). My heart broke, despair and suicidal thoughts were in my mind several times as I always find myself alot on the rooftops somewhere looking down, but never could bring myself to end it but at least it is silent and dark being alone on the rooftop. I have stopped loving her but its me who is afraid of change for some unknown reason. Then again one night, I begged God again, once more in my desperation to be released from this suffering, and anxiety... and take me, I remember I told Him I do not wish to go to Hell but to end all of my existence, mind, body and soul so I do not even exist anywhere. Silly I know but... I was desperate.

So finally a divorce took place, and surprisingly, things did not turn out as bad as I imagined it to be. I only need to pay for child support and I would have to buy over my ex-spouse's share of our house. There were still a lot of paperwork to be done after that for the house, so let's leave that aside for now. It wasn't long before I met another woman...this time, a Catholic woman who is very nurturing and loving. We fell in love. At that time, I suddenly recalled that I did ask God for a Catholic partner when I was probably still in my teenager years. And I can kinda guessed why He won't give me a Catholic partner then because I could never treasure whoever He gave me at that age. But He did answer my prayer after all, but at His own time.

Frankly, the timing He brought her to my life could never be better. She has nurtured me out of my trauma and pain, and even knows how to soothe my anger (I have anger issues due to constantly using anger to balm my hurts and pains so as not to feel it, which is a dangerous thing to do to oneself). She has even loaned me $15K to help pay off my ex-spouse's share of the house, and we rented the rooms out and all rent proceeds are used to pay for my debt to her. I knew at that time she was special because rarely would anyone be willing to fork out so much money to help someone they are not married to.

Ever since then, I trust her so much that I give her control and freedom over every dollar I own. I have not given anyone such power and control in my life, until now. And I can only give praise and thanks to God who answers my prayers in times of great desperation and humility, and to bring someone like her into my life, after everything that I have ever done to disobey Him.

I started my journey since July 2023 and baptism took place April 15th 2024.

The End.