Blessed Mother Theresa of Calcutta died and went to Heaven. Upon entering Heaven, she runs into St. Padre Pio. Their conversation went something like this:

PP: It is wonderful to see you in Heaven, Mother Theresa. Thank you for your work on behalf of Our Lord's poor.

MT: Heaven is much more beautiful than I could have believed, Padre Pio.

PP: Now that you're in Heaven, Mother, and know all things, what surprised you more than anything else?

MT: Well, Father, I never knew that the Holy Spirit was Divine.

PP: Of course He's Divine. How did you used to make the Sign of the Cross?

MT: Well, Father, I would say, "In the Name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Father"


Q: What did the Trad Catholic say when he met Frere Roger of Switzerland?
A: "Don't Taize me, Bro!"



a joke bishop Sheen used to tell.

Once there was a thief who stole a priest's wristwatch, and then went to Confession immediately afterwards to that same priest. He said, "Bless me Father for I have sinned, it's been yaddah yaddah since my last Confession. I stole a wristwatch, but now I feel really bad about it and don't want it anymore. Here--you take it."

Father replies, "No thank you. You should give it back to the person you stole it from."

"Well, I offered it to him, but he didn't want it."

"In that case, you can keep it."



A cleric who had strayed and produced offspring was ordered to report to the Archbishop of the Phillipines, Cd. Jamie Sin ( yes, that's his REAL name ). The penitent entered the confessional and was reported to have said: "Bless me, Sin, for I have fathered."

( rimshot )



Did you hear about the dyslexic atheist? He went around town, scrawling graffiti claiming: " There is no dog!"


Q: What is the difference between an agnostic and an apathetic?
A: I don't know and I don't care.

 :roll-laugh1: These are are all so funny. I don't get the one about Mother Teresa, though.

An Irish cop is walking his beat when he sees several cars stopped on the bridge ahead. He runs up to try to find out what the cause of the commotion is. As he soon learns, the motorists are all staring at a man in a business suit who is standing on the edge of a girter. He looks like he's contemplating jumping off. So the cop pushes his way to the front of the gathering crowd and tries to talk the man out of killing himself.

"Don't jump! Think of your wife! What's she going to do?" he shouts.

"Don't have one, don't care, I'm going to jump," the man replies.

"Think of your mother!"

"She's dead, don't care, I'm going to jump."

"Well, then, think of the Blessed Virgin!"

"The who?"

"Jump, Protestant! You're holding up traffic!"





Father Flanagan and Rabbi Cohn had a little feud going about whose church had more money. They were always showing off to each other. Father Flanagan made sure to honk the horn of his new Corvette as he drove by the ѕуηαgσgυє. Rabbi Cohn then came up with a new Porsche.

One day they met at a light and all of a sudden they were drag racing down the street. The road narrowed and a light ahead quickly turned red.
The Rabbi, who was slightly ahead of the priest, pulled into his lane and slammed on his brakes to stop for the light. Of course Father Flanagan couldn't stop in time and he rear-ended the Rabbi.

As the cops were surveying the wreckage, Officer O'Malley approached Father Flanagan and asked, "Tell me Father, how fast was the Jew going when he backed into you"?




Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

The man said, 'I do, Father.'

The priest said, 'Then stand over there against the wall.'

Then the priest asked the second man, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

'Certainly, Father,' was the man's reply.

'Then stand over there against the wall,' said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

O'Toole said, 'No, I don't Father.'

The priest said, 'I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?'

O'Toole said, 'Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.'

I loved these!  :roll-laugh1: :roll-laugh2:

The student who got the A for Dr. Schlambaugh's final test was a genius.

My favorite joke - the Priest Retirement one.  :roll-laugh2:

Wow- couldn't stop laughing at these!


Matthew:

An Irish cop is walking his beat when he sees several cars stopped on the bridge ahead. He runs up to try to find out what the cause of the commotion is. As he soon learns, the motorists are all staring at a man in a business suit who is standing on the edge of a girter. He looks like he's contemplating jumping off. So the cop pushes his way to the front of the gathering crowd and tries to talk the man out of killing himself.

"Don't jump! Think of your wife! What's she going to do?" he shouts.

"Don't have one, don't care, I'm going to jump," the man replies.

"Think of your mother!"

"She's dead, don't care, I'm going to jump."

"Well, then, think of the Blessed Virgin!"

"The who?"

"Jump, Protestant! You're holding up traffic!"


....................


Father Flanagan and Rabbi Cohn had a little feud going about whose church had more money. They were always showing off to each other. Father Flanagan made sure to honk the horn of his new Corvette as he drove by the ѕуηαgσgυє. Rabbi Cohn then came up with a new Porsche.

One day they met at a light and all of a sudden they were drag racing down the street. The road narrowed and a light ahead quickly turned red.
The Rabbi, who was slightly ahead of the priest, pulled into his lane and slammed on his brakes to stop for the light. Of course Father Flanagan couldn't stop in time and he rear-ended the Rabbi.

As the cops were surveying the wreckage, Officer O'Malley approached Father Flanagan and asked, "Tell me Father, how fast was the Jew going when he backed into you"?

................

How are the Jesuits and Dominicans similar?

They were both founded by Spaniards: St. Dominic for the Dominicans, and St. Ignatius of Loyola for the Jesuits.
They were also both founded to combat heresy: the Dominicans to fight Albigensianism, and the Jesuits to fight Protestantism.


How are they different?

Have you met any Albigensians lately?

................


a joke bishop Sheen used to tell.

Once there was a thief who stole a priest's wristwatch, and then went to Confession immediately afterwards to that same priest. He said, "Bless me Father for I have sinned, it's been yaddah yaddah since my last Confession. I stole a wristwatch, but now I feel really bad about it and don't want it anymore. Here--you take it."

Father replies, "No thank you. You should give it back to the person you stole it from."

"Well, I offered it to him, but he didn't want it."

"In that case, you can keep it."

...................


Did you hear about the dyslexic atheist? He went around town, scrawling graffiti claiming: " There is no dog!"


...................



Man is walking on the street of Belfast. Suddenly he's feeling the cold riffle of a gun put to his back.
Q: "Protestant or Catholic"?
The man nervously tries to think up the answer that will save him from death -- and after a few seconds he comes back with the clever reply: "I'm Jєωιѕн".
"Yeahhh - I'm now the happiest Palestinian in the town" - the voice responds.

...................


A NO penitent tells the priest in "Reconciliation" of his inability to resist the temptation which leads to an on going obsession of breaking into lumber yards after closing and loading his pick-up truck with all sorts of unwanted stolen merchandise.

Upon hearing this the priest says:

"This is serious. Can you make a novena?"

To which the penitent replies:

"If you've got the plans father, I've got the wood."

..................

The Holy Family is trying to think up places to go on vacation. St. Joseph says "Well, I'd like to go back to Egypt, there were so many impressive monuments". The Child Jesus says "Well, I'd like to go to Jerusalem" The Blessed Mother says "Those are nice ideas, but I'd really like to go to Medjugorje; I've never been there"

..................

"I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said "Stop! don't do it!"

"Why shouldn't I?" he said.

I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!" He said, "Like what?"

I said, "Well...are you religious or atheist?" He said, "Religious."

I said, "Me too! Are you Christian or Buddhist?" He said, "Christian."

I said, "Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?" He said, "Protestant."

I said, "Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?" He said, "Baptist!"

I said, "Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist church of god or Baptist church of the lord?" He said, "Baptist church of god!"

I said, "Me too! Are you original Baptist church of god, or are you reformed Baptist church of god?" He said, "Reformed Baptist church of god!"

I said, "Me too! Are you reformed Baptist church of god, reformation of 1879, or reformed Baptist church of god, reformation of 1915?" He said, "Reformed Baptist church of god, reformation of 1915!"

I said, "Die, heretic scuм," and pushed him off.

Four older mothers are chatting after Mass, boasting of what wonderful sons they have:

Mother 1: My dear son is a parish priest now. When he walks into the room people say "Hello, Father!"
Mother 2: My boy is a bishop. When he walks into the room people say "Greetings, your Excellency"
Mother 3: Mine is a cardinal. When he walks into the room everyone bows and says "Your Eminence!"
Mother 4: Well mine isn't religious, but weighs 350 pounds and is 7 foot 6 inches tall. When he walks into the room, everyone says "Oh My God!"