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How are the Jesuits and Dominicans similar?

They were both founded by Spaniards: St. Dominic for the Dominicans, and St. Ignatius of Loyola for the Jesuits.
They were also both founded to combat heresy: the Dominicans to fight Albigensianism, and the Jesuits to fight Protestantism.


How are they different?

Have you met any Albigensians lately?



A Benedictine, a Dominican, an SSPX priest and a FSSP priest were in a chapel saying Vespers together. As they began to sing the lights went out...

The Benedictine, knowing the Office by heart continues to sing the office without the light...

The Dominican without light to continue to say Vespers began to preach on the natural and supernatural meanings of light...

The SSPX priest realized he needed more money for the light bill so he started to leave the Church to write a newsletter asking for more donations...

The FSSP priest, seeing the SSPX priest leaving the chapel, grabs the priest by the cassock and says, "Oh no Father! Don't leave the Church!"

(there are more variations on this one...)

The Jesuit proceeds to tell the other priests that the light failure means that they have a dispensation from saying Vespers.

The Carmelite begins silent contemplation with slow, steady breathing.

The Franciscan writes a song praising God for the gift of darkness.

The parish priest simply gets up, goes down to the basement, and fixes the fuse box.





An Irish cop is walking his beat when he sees several cars stopped on the bridge ahead. He runs up to try to find out what the cause of the commotion is. As he soon learns, the motorists are all staring at a man in a business suit who is standing on the edge of a girter. He looks like he's contemplating jumping off. So the cop pushes his way to the front of the gathering crowd and tries to talk the man out of killing himself.

"Don't jump! Think of your wife! What's she going to do?" he shouts.

"Don't have one, don't care, I'm going to jump," the man replies.

"Think of your mother!"

"She's dead, don't care, I'm going to jump."

"Well, then, think of the Blessed Virgin!"

"The who?"

"Jump, Protestant! You're holding up traffic!"





Why are the Guards in the Varican Swiss, and not Irish?


there are 3 reasons.


1: The Pope wants to be guarded faithfully by disciplined troops who will handle problems, not brawl with tourists!

2: He's afraid that the Irish will want to move the Holy See "For his protection" to Dublin.

3: Italy would be conquered. THe map would read "Ireland" in the North and "New Ireland (Formerly Italy) in the South.




Father Flanagan and Rabbi Cohn had a little feud going about whose church had more money. They were always showing off to each other. Father Flanagan made sure to honk the horn of his new Corvette as he drove by the ѕуηαgσgυє. Rabbi Cohn then came up with a new Porsche.

One day they met at a light and all of a sudden they were drag racing down the street. The road narrowed and a light ahead quickly turned red.
The Rabbi, who was slightly ahead of the priest, pulled into his lane and slammed on his brakes to stop for the light. Of course Father Flanagan couldn't stop in time and he rear-ended the Rabbi.

As the cops were surveying the wreckage, Officer O'Malley approached Father Flanagan and asked, "Tell me Father, how fast was the Jew going when he backed into you"?




Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

The man said, 'I do, Father.'

The priest said, 'Then stand over there against the wall.'

Then the priest asked the second man, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

'Certainly, Father,' was the man's reply.

'Then stand over there against the wall,' said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

O'Toole said, 'No, I don't Father.'

The priest said, 'I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?'

O'Toole said, 'Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.'

Cardinal Siri's joke:

Where is collegiality mentioned in the Bible?

Answer "And they all fled."




When a reporter asked Pope John how many people worked at the Vatican, His Holiness replied, "About half of them."


Once, when he was still a bishop, he was at a dinner with very many prestigious politicians and other people of that sort in France. The woman sitting across from him was wearing a very scanty dress. He pretended not to notice throughout the course of the dinner, until the main course was finished, and he offered the woman an apple. He said, "Please take this apple, madame." She said, "No, thank you, I would rather not." But Roncalli insisted, "But madame, I insist that you take this apple, for it was not until Eve ate the apple that she realised just how little she was wearing."



Here is an anecdote about St Thomas.

A novice ran into St Thomas's chambres and yelled, 'Thomas, Master Thomas! There is a witch outside the window! You must do something quickly!" Immediately, St Thomas got up and rushed to the window to see the witch.

The novice smirked and said smugly, "O, Master Thomas, I am disappointed. I always believed that you were very intelligent and did not buy into all that superstition, but I guess I was wrong."

St Thomas replied, "I usually do not believe in witches, but I was willing to believe that there was a witch outside the window instead of that a novice would tell a lie to me."



A certain incompetent artist prevailed upon Pope Pius IX to sit for a portrait and when the canvas was finished, urged the Holy Father to sign it with a few words from the Holy Scriptures. The Pope glanced at the portrait, which was so poorly done it scarcely resembled him, and complied with the artist's request. Not until later did it dawn on the artist the Pope had written the words of Our Lord, "Nolite timere, ergo sum" which mean "Fear not, it is I."

Pope John XXIII had a warm, down-to-earth sense of humour. One time a new building had to be constructed on Vatican grounds. The architect submitted the plans to His Holiness, who shortly afterward returned them with these three Latin words written in the margin: "Non sumus angeli", that is to say "We are not angels." The architect and his staff were non-plussed as to what the Pope meant, until finally someone noticed the plans did not include bathrooms.

Shortly after Angelo Roncalli (papal nuncio to France and future pope) became a cardinal, he was asked whether he had any family connections with his namesake, the Marquis of Roncalli. Angelo, a farmer's son, smiled. "Up to now we did not belong to the same family," he replied, "but I think that starting from this moment we will become more and more related."

Pope John [XXIII] once reported that while falling asleep, important thoughts would frequently come to mind and, briefly waking, he would make a mental note: "I must speak to the pope about that." "Then," he continued, "I would be wide awake and remember... that I am pope."

Cardinal Borromeo was once censured for the inordinate time he spent playing and practicing the game of chess. "What would you do if you were busy playing and the world came to an end?" he was asked one day. "Continue playing," he replied.

Q: Why does an Anglican have difficulty playing chess?

A: He can't tell the difference between a bishop and a queen.