Not so very long ago, an old German man was feeling guilty about something he had done, so he decided to go to Confession.
He said, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I feel terrible because during World War II I hid a refugee in my attic."
The priest said, "But that's not a sin! I wouldn't feel bad about that if I were you!"
"But I made him agree to pay me 50 Marks for every week he stayed."
The priest said, "Well, I admit that certainly wasn't the most noble thing to do, charging the man to save his life -- but you did save his life, after all, and that is a good thing. Don't worry about it too much; God forgives."
The man said, "Oh thank you, Father, that eases my mind. I have only one more question to ask you -- Do I have to tell him the war is over?"
__________________________________________________________________
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples
__________________________________________________________________
The 98 year old Mother Superior from Ireland was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink but she refused. Then one of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a generous amount into the warm milk. Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop. "Mother," the nuns asked with earnest, "please give us some wisdom before you die."
She raised herself up in bed and with a pious look on her face said, "Don't sell that cow.
__________________________________________________________________
There are 3 fundamental truths about religion: Jews don't recognize Jesus as the Son of God, Protestants don't recognize the Pope as the Vicar of Christ, and Baptists don't recognize each other at the bar on Saturday nights.
________________________________________________________________
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?" "Just water," says the priest, fingers crossed. The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?" The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
Topic: Catholic Jokes (Read 11361 times)