Catholic Info
Traditional Catholic Faith => Funny Stuff for Catholics => Topic started by: Philomene Marie on April 05, 2013, 07:12:27 PM
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The Pope goes to New York. He is picked up at the airport by a limousine. He looks at the beautiful car and says to the driver, "You know, I hardly ever get to drive. Would you please let me?"
The driver is understandably hesistant and says, "I'm sorry, but I don't think I'm supposed to do that."
But the Pope persists, "Please?" The driver finally lets up. "Oh, all right, I can't really say no to the Pope."
So the Pope takes the wheel, and boy, is he a speed demon! He hits the gas and goes around 100 mph in a 45 zone. A policeman notices and pulls him over.
The cop walks up and asks the Pope to roll down the window. Startled and surprised, the young officer asks the Pope to wait a minute. He goes back to his patrol car and radios the chief.
Cop: Chief, I have a problem.
Chief: What sort of problem?
Cop: Well, you see, I pulled over this guy for driving way over the speed limit but it's someone really important.
Chief: Important like the mayor?
Cop: No, no, much more important than that.
Chief: Important like the governor?
Cop: Wayyyyyy more important than that.
Chief: Like the president?
Cop: More.
Chief: Who's more important than the president?
Cop: I don't know, but he's got the Pope driving for him!
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A little boy was listening to a long and excessively boring sermon in church. Suddenly his eye the red sanctuary lamp caught his eye. Tugging his father's sleeve, he said, "Daddy, when the light turns green can we go?"
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I'm finding more, I'm stuck in a hotel room with a bunch of corrup modern day girls and my computer..... Had to find something to do than listen to the stuff their talking about.
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A priest and a bus driver both died and went to Heaven at the same time. They get to the pearly gates where Pope St. Peter greets them. He motions to the priest, and they both hop in a jeep and go out the back door. There are about 50 acres of rolling hills with a little cottage on the knoll.
St. Peter turns to the priest and says "This will be yours for eternity. A perfect little cottage, right next to lovely pond, a lush little garden, and a library full of books."
The priest says, "Thank you so much. This I shall enjoy!" St. Peter drops off the priest, goes back to the pearly gates and motions to the bus driver.
They hop in a stretch limo and go out the front door. There are about 500 acres of land, with mountains and lakes and rivers. There is a huge 200-room castle on one of the mountains, and a wishing well that makes wishes come true. St. Peter says "This will be yours for eternity. You can live in that castle with servants to wait on you hand and foot, and you can have everything you want."
The bus driver looks and St. Peter and says "Well, now, don't think I'm not grateful, but why am I getting so much more than the priest?"
St. Peter just laughs and says "You brought more souls to Heaven! When the priest preached, everyone fell asleep. When you drove your bus, people prayed!"
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Lost on a rainy Friday night, a priest stumbles into a monastery and requests shelter there. Fortunately, he's just in time for dinner and was treated to the best fish and chips he's ever had.
After dinner, he goes into the kitchen to thank the chefs. He is met by two brothers, "Hello, I'm Brother Michael, and this is Brother Francis."
"I'm very pleased to meet you. I just wanted to thank you for a wonderful dinner. The fish and chips were the best I've ever tasted. Out of curiosity, who cooked what?"
Brother Michael replied, "Well, I'm the fish friar."
Father turns to the other brother and says, "Then you must be...."
"Yes, I'm afraid I'm the chip monk..."
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Not so very long ago, an old German man was feeling guilty about something he had done, so he decided to go to Confession.
He said, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I feel terrible because during World War II I hid a refugee in my attic."
The priest said, "But that's not a sin! I wouldn't feel bad about that if I were you!"
"But I made him agree to pay me 50 Marks for every week he stayed."
The priest said, "Well, I admit that certainly wasn't the most noble thing to do, charging the man to save his life -- but you did save his life, after all, and that is a good thing. Don't worry about it too much; God forgives."
The man said, "Oh thank you, Father, that eases my mind. I have only one more question to ask you -- Do I have to tell him the war is over?"
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The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples
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The 98 year old Mother Superior from Ireland was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink but she refused. Then one of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a generous amount into the warm milk. Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop. "Mother," the nuns asked with earnest, "please give us some wisdom before you die."
She raised herself up in bed and with a pious look on her face said, "Don't sell that cow.
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There are 3 fundamental truths about religion: Jews don't recognize Jesus as the Son of God, Protestants don't recognize the Pope as the Vicar of Christ, and Baptists don't recognize each other at the bar on Saturday nights.
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An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?" "Just water," says the priest, fingers crossed. The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?" The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
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An Athiest was walking through the woods when he was attacked by a bear. The bear was on top of him and just about to swipe him with a claw when the Athiest asked God for help. The woods became still and the bear froze. Then he heard a voice say "You deny me your whole life and now you ask for my help?" The Athiest said "well atleast make this bear a Catholic ok?" The voice answerd "Done"
Time started again. The bear sat back, looked at the man then made the sign of the cross and started saying "Bless us oh Lord and these thy gifts...."
:pray: :ready-to-eat: :roll-laugh1:
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Q: What is the pope's phone number?
A: Eight-cuм-spiri-two-two-oh
So I've started to have the girls in my room ask me why I'm laughing to myself so I've told them some fo these jokes and they are actually enjoying them. They've also asked me a million and one questions about the Catholic Faith.
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A little old Italian lady was kneeling in church, whisper-praying her rosary beads: "Pss-pss-pss-pss-pss-pss-pss." A painter is up on a scaffold, high in the church, and decides to have a little fun with this pious old woman.
"This is your Lord speaking," he says in a deep, resonant voice.
No reaction from the little old Italian lady, who keeps on with her beads: "Pss-pss-pss-pss-pss-pss-pss."
Painter figures maybe she's a little deaf, so he raises his voice: "This Is Your LORD Speaking!"
Still no response from the little old Italian lady, except: "Pss-pss-pss-pss-pss-pss-pss."
So the painter shouts: "THIS IS YOUR LORD SPEAKING!'
And the little old lady looks up at the crucifix and says, "You shutta up! I'm a-talkin' to your Mama!"
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A Man bought a very special donkey from a Priest. The priest told the man that to make the donkey go you had to say "Hallelujah" and for the donkey to stop say "Amen" So the man bought the donkey and rode on him. They traveled for an hour and they saw a cliff up ahead and the donkey wouldn't stop! The guy tried to remember the word that would make the donkey stop but he couldn't. But he tried, "STop donkey, Stop, uhh Jesus, God, The Trinity, The Father,SOMETHING!!! Finally he decided to say a prayer hoping that God would spare him. "Dear Lord, Please be ever mercifull and save me from falling off this cliff and plunging into a horrible death. AMEN" The donkey abruptly stopped just at the edge of the cliff. And the man exclaimed "HALLELUJAH!"
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Patty had just got off the plane at Dublin airport. As he was clearing customs, he stated that he was returning from Europe, to his home in Limerick. The customs man, on asking if he was bringing anything back with him, was told, "No."
"Patty," said the customs man, "I think I'll be looking through your baggage."
As he did so, he found a large, clear, unlabelled bottle filled with a clear, colourless liquid.
"What would this be, then?" he asked.
"Oh," said Patty, "while I was in Europe I made a pilgrimage to the sacred shrine at Lourdes, and that's water from the blessed grotto."
"I'll just be examining that water a little more closely," said the customs man, removing the cap, and giving the liquid a sniff. He started a bit, and looked at Patty.
"Patty," he said sternly, "that isn't water in this bottle. It's gin."
Patty's eyes widened, and his jaw dropped. "Down on your knees, man!" he exclaimed. "It's another miracle!"
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Sign on a confessional door:
EXRESS LANE: 10 SINS OR LESS
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Q: What is the pope's phone number?
A: Eight-cuм-spiri-two-two-oh
So I've started to have the girls in my room ask me why I'm laughing to myself so I've told them some fo these jokes and they are actually enjoying them. They've also asked me a million and one questions about the Catholic Faith.
Hehe
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A man appeared before St. Peter at the pearly gates. "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.
"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered. "Once, on a trip to the Black Hills, out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I told them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker. I smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the ground, and told him, "Leave her alone now or you'll answer to me."
St. Peter was very impressed. "When did this happen?"
"Just a couple of minutes ago." the man said.
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:laugh2: :applause: :laugh1: :roll-laugh2:
Thank you Philomene Marie!
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Pecans In The Cemetery
On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.
"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."
He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.
"Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls."
The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk."
When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me..."
The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord." Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.
At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done."
They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the boy on the bike.
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YOU KNOW YOU’RE A CATHOLIC IF:
You can kneel more than 5 minutes without falling over.
Your doorbell plays "Ave Maria."
Your after-shave witch-hazel water has been blessed by a priest.
Your room air freshener is church incense.
Your computer wallpaper lists the mysteries of the Rosary and the Church's Feast Days.
People ask you the Confession times for the city parishes.
The Catholic bookstore owner gets excited when you open the door.
You know by heart all the words to "Tantum Ergo" and "O Salutaris."
You watch the rosary on EWTN.
You invite three Catholic couples over and suddenly there are fifteen kids in the house.
You secretly feel guilty because you look forward to Lenten fish fries.
You own so many statues your house looks like a church.
You genuflect before you enter a row of seats at the theatre.
You leave room on your pillow for your guardian angel.
You can still remember the answers to the Baltimore Catechism questions.
You’ve considered naming one of your kids after an early Father of the Church. (Cyprian, Athanasius, Tertullian, Eusebius, etc.)
You have been caught singing in your sleep, "There's no place like Rome, there's no place like Rome."
These are coming off of an NO site so some of these are a little far fetched but I love the one about the guardian angel and the last one!
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A young priest is having his first wedding & he is very nervous. He talks to the pastor who tells him what to do but tells him everything is in the lectionary, just follow along & everything should be alright but if you are at a loss for words at any time, just quote scripture & everything will be alright. The young priest performs the wedding ceremony just like an old pro, everything falls into place & as he is watching them sign the guest register, he remembers the words of the old pastor & decides to quote scripture. The first verse that comes to mind is "Forgive them Father, they know not what they are doing."
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There was a priest and a nun who were traveling home from a retreat together in Buffalo, NY. Suddenly they were overtaken by one of Buffalo's famous snow storms and realized they could not make it home. The priest had a timeshare cottage right on the lake that he figured was pretty close to where they currently were so they decided to ride out the storm there.
They arrived at the cottage had some canned food for dinner and decided to go to bed. The priest being a gentleman opted to sleep on the couch and let the nun have the queen bed.
After a few minutes the nun calls to the priest and says she is very cold so he brings her some extra blankets from the closet.
She thanks him but 5 minutes later calls him again saying she is still cold. So he gets up and gets her some more blankets from the closet.
Five minutes later the nun calls to him again telling him she is still cold. The priest says to her "Now this is silly. We are both grown adults here. Why don't we just forget that I'm a priest and you're a nun just for one night? For just this one night can't we pretend we are an old married couple?" The nun agreed that this would be okay. To which the priest replied, "Great, then get your own damn blanket!" And he went back to bed.
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"Bless, me Father for I have sinned. I stole some lumber"
"What did you do with the lumber?'
" I built a bird house."
"Pray for the God Lord to forgive you and say 3 Hail Marys for penance."
The priest then asked the man, "Do you have something else to tell me?"
"Yes, Father. With the leftover lumber I put a porch on my house."
"You realize that this is now more serious. God gave us a commandment not to steal. For penance, say a Rosary."
The man still appeared to want to talk. Again, the priest asked, "Do you have something else to tell me?"
Yes, Father. With the leftover lumber I put an extension on my house."
"Now, you have really offended God. For penance I want you to make a novena."
The man looked puzzled.
"You do know how to make a novena, don't you?"
The man replied, "No, I don't Father. But if you got the plans, I got the lumber."
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For all my Irish Friends!
The Pope and the Queen of England are on the same stage at an Anglican and Catholic commemoration of the Anglo-Irish accords - the crowd is huge - thousands. Her Majesty and His Holiness can't help but have a little rivalry - both being heads of churches and all.
The Queen says to the Pope, "Did you know that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every English person in the crowd go wild?" He doubts it, so she shows him. Sure enough, the royal-gloved wave elicits rapture and cheering from every Englishman in the crowd.
Gradually, the cheering subsides. The Pope, not wanting to be outdone by someone wearing a worse frock and hat than he, considers what he could do. So the Pope says to the Queen,"Your Majesty, that was impressive. But did you know that with one little wave of MY hand I can make every Irish person in the crowd go crazy with joy? Their joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and they will speak forever of this day and rejoice - they will recount it to their grandchildren and they to their descendants.
The Queen seriously doubts this, and says so. "One little wave of your hand and all Irish people will rejoice forever? Show me." So the Pope slapped her
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A priest visited a little old lady at her home. She got a phone call, and he waited in the living room while she went into the kitchen. Bored, he began to nibble on the peanuts she had in a bowl on the table. When she came back, after 45 minutes, she apoligozed, and asked his forgiveness, as she had not spoken to her sister in a long time. Father, in turn, apologized, as he had finished off all the peanuts. She laughed, and told him to relax. "I don't mind, Father. Ever since I lost my teeth, all I can do is suck the chocolate off them now."
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A priest wanted to impress upon the congregation the dangers of drinking. So, during his homily, he did the following:
"People, i want to impress upon you what liquor can do for you. I have in one hand a worm and the other a glass of water. When I dip the worm in water, see what happens to the worm? Nothing! Now watch what happens when I dip the worm into the glass of whiskey here. He dies! Now, what does that tell you?"
An old drunk in the pews gets up and shouts back, "IF YOU DRINK WHISKEY, YOU DON'T GET WORMS!"
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a woman knocks on her son's bedroom door and says
Mom: Son get up its time for church!
Son: I am deffinatly not going to mass today!
Mom: oh yes you are!
Son: I'm not going to mass for two reasons
1) I don't like anyone there
2) and no one there likes me
Mom: you ARE going for two reasons
1) your 50 years old
2) you're the only priest we have!!!!!
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We Bears fans amuse ourselves by scaring every Indiana fan we see strutting
down the street with that obnoxious horseshoe on their coats. We swerve our cars as if to hit them, and then swerve back just missing them.
The other day, while driving along, I saw a priest walking. I thought I would do a good deed, so I pulled over and asked the priest, "Where are you going Father?" "I'm going to give mass at St. Francis Church, about 2 miles down the road," replied the priest. "Climb in, Father! I'll give you a lift!"
The priest climbed into the rear passenger seat, and we continued down the road. Suddenly, I saw a Colts fan with his horseshoe coat, walking down the road. I instinctively swerved as if to hit him. But, as usual, I swerved back into the road just in time. Even though I was certain that I had missed the guy, I still heard a loud "THUD." Not understanding where the noise came from, I glanced in my mirrors but didn't see anything. I then remembered the priest, and turned to the priest and said, "Sorry Father, I almost hit that Colts fan."
"That's OK," replied the priest, "I got him with the door."
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YOU KNOW YOU’RE A CATHOLIC IF:
Your doorbell plays "Ave Maria."
Surprisingly relevant comedy routine about doorbells and Catholics:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SFQ_s87acFg
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A man asks God:
How much is 1'000.000 Dollars to You?
And God answers:
That's almost nothing, it's like a cent to me.
The man asks:
Wow, and how much is 1'000.000 years to You?
And God answers:
That's almost nothing, it's like a second to me.
Then the man gets greedy, and says:
God, give me a cent!
And God answers:
Sure, wait a second!
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YOU KNOW YOU’RE A CATHOLIC IF:
Your doorbell plays "Ave Maria."
Surprisingly relevant comedy routine about doorbells and Catholics:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SFQ_s87acFg
Very funny!
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Ever since becoming a traditional Catholic, I've found Lent to be very difficult. In the Conciliar church one doesn't have to fast hardly at all. In fact, sometimes it's completely forgotten about and the priests don't really care.
But when you come to tradition, the priests are always talking about the Lenten fast and you have to fast all through Lent! Every Lenten season I gain at least 30 pounds because I have to fast.
I just don't know how much longer I can take 3 meals a day at McDonalds, Burger King, Taco Bell, Wendy's, and other fast food places!
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A man died, and found himself standing in line waiting to approach St. Peter at the pearly gates. Our friend looked up ahead to see that St. Peter was speaking to one person at a time as the queue slowly moved forward. Then our friend heard the sound of a man approaching from behind, saying, "Excuse me. Beg pardon. Pardon me. Excuse me. I beg your pardon. Sorry, I have to get through. Pardon me. ..."
The approaching man was wearing a white lab smock and had a stethoscope hanging around his neck and a round reflector strapped to his forehead; and he was passing up everyone waiting in the queue, asking them to forgive him because he was in a hurry?
Our friend was shocked at this, and so, when he finally got up to speak with St. Peter, he asked, "Who does that guy think he is, the one who was passing everyone up to get here without waiting in line?" St. Peter said, "Oh, that was God, dressed up to look like that. Sometimes He likes to play doctor."
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YOU KNOW YOU’RE A CATHOLIC IF:
Your doorbell plays "Ave Maria."
Surprisingly relevant comedy routine about doorbells and Catholics:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SFQ_s87acFg
Very funny!
In the linked "Doorbells" video, Bill Bailey (won't you please come home?) said the augmented fourth or diminished fifth (depending upon your outlook on life) was "banned" at the Council of Trent. It seems odd he wouldn't have used the standard term for that interval: it's called a tri-tone. Maybe he didn't use the proper term because then someone might look it up.
Interestingly, we have a piece that is commonly sung for Trinity Sunday, De Trinitate, based on a composition by Adam of St. Victor, xii cent., which contains at least 16 tri-tones. It was in common use long before Vat.II, so how could the tri-tone have been "banned?"
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