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I have been praying for years to be able to follow God's will. Due to various factors, I don't feel like I am following it. Since God's will for me is still a complete mystery, how do I best follow it?

I think that my spiritual reading for today was meant for you:

Suffering A Test of Virtue

Suffering increases merit by insuring not only greater purity but also greater earnestness of motive.

It has a bracing influence upon the will, and gives tone and vigor to its exercise.  Difficulties and sufferings bring out manliness and strength of will and nobility of soul.  They try earnestness of purpose.  They are an unmistakable test of solid virtue.  There is beauty and merit in each least aspiration of virtue breathed on the playful wing of joy, but there is greater and more solid merit in the depth and vigor of determination evinced in the practice of virtue under difficulties, temptations and trials.  There is no trial, temptation, or Suffering which cannot be turned into a blessing by the will of a conscious sufferer...

The treasure of holiness lies open to all, and the secret of utilizing these precious treasures consists in turning to our spiritual profit the common routine of everyday duties and the events of Providence.  That which happens to us hour by hour, by God's will, is what is best and most profitable for us. 

Daily we have active or passive means of sanctity offered us.  Active sanctity consists in fulfilling with purity of intention the duties imposed by God, by the Church, by our state of life.  Passive sanctity consists in the loving acceptation of what is painful and repugnant to nature, without heeding our likes and dislikes. If only we utilize the means of holiness thus provide, we shall surely become saints sooner or later.

Patience (Thoughts on the Patient Endurance of Sorrows and Sufferings)

By: Rev. F. X. Lasance

What have you been up to lately?

Thankfully the weather has been getting nicer so I've been able to get out and do some fishing. That's been about it lately. Still haven't been able to come up with many things I want to go do by myself.

I'll come right out and say it, but this is just a rant. I don't really have anyone to rant to, so I'm doing it here. If you have any thoughts or suggestions, I'd be happy to hear them. If not, I'm happy as well. :)

So I went to confession today and confessed a sin I committed that was a result of my loneliness. The priest was understanding, but he did fall back on the, what I consider tired response of, "You're never alone when you have Jesus." After all, Jesus is more than willing to help as he loves me infinitely and I just need to ask. He was more verbose than that, but that's an essential summary. He also said I need to focus on making some friends.

Yes, I believe Jesus loves me, but for whatever reason, I believe He's not going to help me with this. I've prayed and prayed and prayed to help me live His will and help me find the path I'm supposed to be on. No matter how much I pray or talk to Him, my loneliness does not improve, in fact, it usually feels worse. And focus on making friends? I've essentially given up on that as it continues to prove to be an exercise in futility and frustration. I'm a 45 year old single man. Finding and meeting other similarly aged, single men with common interests is about just as viable as finding a large, manila envelope containing a couple hundred thousand dollars when walking down the street. Anyway, end rant.

My priest gave me a correction in confession yesterday, and I received a similar rebuke about a month ago - different priest. It boiled down to me refusing to submit to God's will. The truth is that I want something from Him, and have wanted it for over twenty years, and He will not give it to me. Not only that, He has stripped me of anything I already had along that same line. As in your case, "it has gotten worse."

Yet I must say that the rebukes have helped me a lot. They helped me see where I'm actually sinning in my desire. Not that what I desire is sinful. In fact what I desire is one of the highest goods. That which is sinful, is what this desire does in my soul. It pits me against the very God Who is the very object of that desire. Go figure that one out! LOL!! 

I think I know why things feel worse when you pray and talk to the Lord about your loneliness. That very act strengthens the very desire which torments you so.  

Have you considered doing whatever is necessary to staunch and obliterate your desire? Yes, I said that.  

In my study of the Desert Fathers, I learned that frustration of desire is the basis of some of the worst habits of sin. The problem comes from the person refusing to let go of the desire. The desire itself is a sinful attachment. Yes, I know it sounds crazy that the desire for friends could be sinful. But any desire is sinful when it is inordinate and when it causes rebellion in the soul against the will of God. 

Pray to St. Raphael, and ask him to help you put this desire of yours on the hot coals, that it may be consumed as a sacrifice, and that the devils producing it (yes, I said that), be smoked out of your heart. 

I think that you may be under an obsession, placed in your mind by the devil, which he now uses to torment you. 

Let go this desire. Let it go.