If what I'm reading is something I find genuinely interesting of its own merit, I can read it easily and the information sticks. I can almost recite it verbatim. If, however, what I'm reading is something I don't find super interesting, I have to really, really focus on it and often re-read it a few times to hopeflly get the information to stick so I can recall it.

Thanks for your reply. I will ask you to consider one more thing.

I've been learning recently about the problem of distraction in the spiritual life. Oft times we practically "bug out" if we are left in too much solitude and silence. When we are alone, and opportunities for prayer abound, yet we almost invariably direct our glance outward. We look for some kind of stimulation to avoid the inward glance, which is so indispensably necessary for prayer.

I think it is safe for me to judge, based on your continuous pattern of posting your extreme discomfiture, that you are experiencing a serious interior crisis.

I judge further, based on many years of reading spiritual books, that this crisis is a call to prayer, a call to get closer to God, a call to seek Christ's help, and counsel, and light. Because, let's face it, no human being is capable of solving the problem you have repeatedly and consistently articulated. We know this because you tell us that you cannot solve it yourself, nor has anyone here solved it for you. Indisputably, it is a problem only God can solve; and if so, then God is calling you. There's no other possibility.

What does He want from you? I think He wants you to redirect your attention from the exterior forum to the interior, and He wants you to begin praying with more assiduity.

Now you do persist in telling us that you are deeply lonely, almost to the point of extreme desolation; and that your heart's most ardent desire is for human friendship. These admissions clearly demonstrate that your mind and will (thoughts and desires) are radically directed "without," radically oriented to the outside world, and committed to a perpetual searching for exterior material objects, namely human friends.

Another thing you tell us, is that your unhappiness is growing more and more intolerable. This clearly demonstrates that what you are doing and have been doing to solve your problem, is not the answer for you.

God understands your autism, your limits, your heart, better than you do. There's a reason He has not given you human relief. He has allowed a great conflict to arise in your soul, and also a great crisis of the heart. For it is your heart that plagues you; as it is the heart that plagues every man, whether he be carnal or spiritual. 

In your personal calamity, I cannot perceive aught but a loud Divine call to stop whatever you are doing, put away your current mental machinations, and turn to God in prayer. But more than that, and this is important; it is a call to consciously fix your gaze upon your own heart, where He is going to meet you, and reveal to you two realities - your miserable state of soul, and His abiding Presence and Help. 

The answer to your problem is locality. You have left your own heart. You have left it unguarded and untended. You have left yourself and your Divine Lord all alone in your heart, while you roam about the world looking for a mirage.

You literally and consciously have to travel to your own interior, where you will encounter Jesus Christ. Go there, pull up a chair, and talk to Him about your life. Ask Him zillions of questions. He will never tire of you. Ask Him to teach you how to listen to Him and how to discern your own depths.   

Keep doing what you're doing. Keep scoping the exterior terrain, and keep being miserable. Or set your GPS (God Positioning System) to your innermost heart, where your "Human Friend" awaits you.

 

I have had this sense of you from the get go. But think about something.

You tell us that it takes you a while to get to know people. That you have to be in their company repeatedly before you can loosen up and find things to say (I paraphrase). This has been a problem for you because these opportunities are rare, if not non-existent. Nevertheless, in spite of the obstacles, you do not change in your desires. You insist that this is what you want. You want relationship, which requires time spent together and converse.

Now consider prayer. It can be intense meditation, either by imagining Christ in the Gospels, or by deep considerations of Truths of faith.

But also prayer is simply speaking with our Lord, as to our best Friend. And indeed, one does not go from zero to sixty with the Lord Jesus. Friendship with Him is a gradual process, a lifelong quest. He reveals Himself and gives Himself more intensely over time as a reward for a soul's steadfast dedication to Him and love for Him. It's just like a human friendship. There must be interest and attention on both sides. There must be reciprocity in kind and degree. Friendship grows over time, but only when both parties fully participate it.

You report that you are very capable of making petitions to God; but are you attracted to Him? Does He, as the Incarnate Word of the Father, interest you for His own sake? Do you desire to know Him more deeply? Do you want to know everything He said and what He thinks about everything? Do you want to be close to Him? Do you look at Him and marvel at His loveliness and His wisdom? Do you long for His love? I say, does He interest you?

Not to sound coarse or unfeeling, but is He nothing more than a slot machine to you? You put your quarter in and see what, if anything, comes out.

Consider: He assumed a human nature. He is capable of every interior motion that you are capable of. He loves, He weeps, He gets angry, He expresses indignation at ingratitude. He cultivates friends, and even gives priority of affection to certain individuals, always because of their love and devotion to Him. He experiences profound sorrow when souls pay no attention to Him, ignore Him, have no interest in Him for His own sake, neglect even the most rudimentary courtesies and shows of love and devotion and friendship. He is offended when people treat Him like a slot machine.

Have you ever made this petition to Him? "O Jesus, that I may love Thee."

I tell you, Bataar, He is not a Savior to be trifled with.

If you do not love the Lord Jesus, then the reason you have no friends is not that He won't help you, it is that your heart is ice cold.

Blame autism all you want. It's not autism's fault. I suspect that you are not asking Christ for the graces He wills to give you. You are not asking Him for His own Friendship and His own Love.

I tell you, Bataar, He is not a Savior to be trifled with.

 And now, as far as my replies on this thread are concerned, "Consummatum est."

The biggest problem for me, I think, comes down to my "special interests". For autistic people, special interests can be quite the burden as that can be all you want to focus on, or even think about. While I've definitely gotten better as I've gotten older, It's really, really hard for me to want to go out and do anything that's not related somehow to one of my interests or something I'm interested in in some way. Other than going to the store or runningi errands, I pretty much just stay home because I can't think of anything I want to do for its sake.
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Not sure why I'm posting this exactly, just trying to illustrate how my brain works I suppsoe. Can't really figure out a way around it.