Author Topic: Woman's perspective on being single in your 30's (Read 11612 times)

LaramieHirsch · « **Reply #40 on:** February 11, 2012, 09:50:25 PM »

Quote from: Telesphorus

Quote from: Jim
This is a good discussion. It can be for spouses, but also for religious orders and even particular convents or monasteries.

How much of it is our choice, and how much God's will?

Obviously the decisions we make are our choice. But what happens is always God's Will. (incidentally, Vox Day is a Protestant heretic who doesn't believe in God's foreknowledge).

Agreed. He's also a jerk.

I still like reading his posts, however. For now.

MrsZ · « **Reply #41 on:** February 12, 2012, 02:59:21 PM »

We've all been manipulated by romantic marketing in the secular world for over 100 years, and even in the Protestant-Christian world ... which is a HUGE market in this country. I agree that it's being fed a lie and causes many people to have unrealistic expectations for marriage, and life in general. The line "God wants you to be happy..." is used all the time to explain how the materialistic ideals of wealth and stuff and fairy tale marriages are God's will for our lives. It's not only a basic lie in general, it's also blatantly misrepresenting the Gospel message.

We Catholics have the Lives of the Saints to keep us grounded. Think about how many married saints had to suffer through living with miserable spouses...We know that life is to be one of suffering and travail. Being married is often just a necessity of living rather than some great romantic fantasy of lifelong companionship with that perfect "other."

My 17 year old daughter has zero illusions about love and romance. She understands that people's vision gets clouded by physical attraction and lust..and that real love is an action. That a soulmate is not someone you find out there waiting for you ...but your soulmate is the one who shares the Sacrament of Marriage with and that fact specifically is what creates a soulmate. That soulmate may also be a completely contrary personality who makes you feel that Purgatory on earth in the form of Marriage is your lot in life. So be it. Rather suffer here than in the real Purgatory, right?

So, I'm hoping that for my children's sakes that they take this message to heart. Romance novels, movies, fantasy images of perfect beauty are all lies from the devil meant to distract us from the hardwork of life and living in the bosom of our families.

Matthew · « **Reply #42 on:** February 12, 2012, 04:19:24 PM »

Quote from: Santo Subito

Of course people have free will. They can freely choose to pick the wrong person and be miserable. The key is that God knows who is best for you. If you keep close to Him, you'll find her, just as you have done. Obviously He meant her to find you as well. Our free will needs to submit to God's for us to be happy.

Good point. Stay close to God and be indifferent to your own will, and you'll more likely find God's will and true happiness.

I have personal experience with this.

You see, I wasn't always married to MaterDominici. Before I met her, I courted a very pious trad-leaning Novus Ordo Catholic. I was happy to have found her, being as she was a very devout Catholic with many virtues. But in many ways she wasn't the woman for me. She wouldn't have been able to help me with my businesses (especially accounting, a task I hate!) She was far less intelligent than the brainy wife I ended up with, and she was more stereotypical female (more emotional, less rational) which I wouldn't have been comfortable with. One must always consider their own psychological needs and comfort zones. I wouldn't have been able to have the same high-end conversations with her that I enjoy with my wife today.

So all in all, I shouldn't have just tried to marry the first good Catholic woman I found -- but I was sure trying to! Fortunately for me (who can never quit anything, including a job or a courtship), she was more in tune with God's will and broke off the relationship, mostly because she couldn't reconcile with the SSPX position. But she did a LOT of praying about it, including right before she gave me the bad news -- I firmly believe God DID tell her I wasn't the man for her.

A fascinating postscript to the story -- after the heart-breaking experience, I added to my CatholicMatch profile something about how I was fervently pro-SSPX. Do you know what MaterDominici wrote in her first message to me on that site?

"Hello,

Please pardon my ignorance, but what is the SSPX?"

And the rest is history.

God truly works in mysterious ways.

Matthew · « **Reply #43 on:** February 12, 2012, 04:39:02 PM »

I'd like to talk more about my wonderful wife, and how I knew she was "the one".

Basically, I just knew.

I was just very comfortable around her from the moment we met. She was not dissimilar to my 2 sisters -- long, straight dark-brown hair, "natural" eyebrows, non-skinny, of German descent, didn't use make-up, from a lower-middle-class household, likes to do puzzles, etc.

And we had many things in common -- the Catholic Faith (though she was attending the Novus Ordo when I met her), we were both savers rather than spenders, planners rather than spontaneous, clean rather than messy, non-smoker, never did drugs, the kind who strive to follow the rules, not take foolish risks, learn from others' mistakes, etc. (And an unopened package under the Christmas Tree -- he who has ears to hear, let him hear...)

And for Telesphorus & co., I must point out -- she was 24. Good thing I didn't ignore those "old maids" in their low 20's! But I digress.

Nothing about her, none of her behaviors was outside my "comfort zone".

And like those in my family (I know this is practically boasting, but I consider it a simple fact. God is the giver of all gifts.), she was very smart. We could have philosophical conversations and she was even one of those rare females who are highly rational (no offense to the female members!)

(As an aside --
For those who want to see posts from my sister, look up posts for the member Dulcamara. She stopped posting here for personal reasons. She is much more typical female (emotional), but she is nevertheless highly intelligent. She's very artistic and right-brained. God didn't design her to be a Doctor of the Church, but who cares, right? Debate is a more left-brained activity and hot, Internet debate with sedevacantists is a huge source of temptation for those with a Choleric side.)

Dr. David Allen White taught me that idea -- he said that he's met few women who were so rational he could have a rational/philosophical conversation with them -- like talking to another man. Women tend to make things personal, they mix up the particular with the universal. Women just aren't wired the same as men most of the time. They are meant to be compassionate caretakers and educators, gentle but firm guides of children (future men and women). Hopefully I didn't just tick off half the forum :)

Just remember, everyone, that I'm just as quick to point out the truth about men in general. Their faults vary by temperament (just as female faults vary), but I assure you that all men have them! There are some faults more proper to men than women, and vice-versa. God made them male and female, and they are both good for what they're designed for :)

Anyhow, I'm a tad emotional for a man, which is why it's good my wife is a tad rational for a woman.

I was just thinking, with all the young single men on this forum, that it might be helpful to share my story.

My personal advice to young men/women would be: DO NOT ignore your psychological comfort zone as if it didn't exist. Swimming downstream is always easier than upstream. Sure, an upper-class girl COULD, with enough spiritual growth, find happiness in marriage to a boy from a poor family. But think of all the chances for disagreements. She throws away food that the boy would have formerly eaten out of garbage cans. And so forth.

The big issues are usually religion, money, and views on discipline.

wallflower · « **Reply #44 on:** February 12, 2012, 05:38:31 PM »

Quote from: Matthew

Dr. David Allen White taught me that idea -- he said that he's met few women who were so rational he could have a rational/philosophical conversation with them -- like talking to another man. Women tend to make things personal, they mix up the particular with the universal. Women just aren't wired the same as men most of the time. They are meant to be compassionate caretakers and educators, gentle but firm guides of children (future men and women). Hopefully I didn't just tick off half the forum :)

Thank you for sharing your story. I thought much the same as what Santo was saying as it has been my experience as well that God knew better what I needed in a spouse than I did and I thank Him every day for that. I think when people get stuck in a rut of wanting a certain kind of person they are liable to let so many more amazing opportunities for true love pass and that's unfortunate.

I did want to comment on the above. It doesn't tick me off as I know it's true. What can tick me off, not that you did it, but as an aside, is when people speak that truth with a certain condescension, as though being rational is everything and being personal is a weakness. There is so much good that comes from a woman's personal touch. Even when she "mixes up" the particular and the universal, it can have good results because the universal needs to be applied in the particular anyway. Ideas and philosophies need to come alive in actual daily life. So we need that mix of the two, the personal and the philosophical. A man can get caught up in his rational ideas and philosophies but it takes a woman to tell you if that would actually work in reality. If you can find a woman who can understand the philosophies and maybe not discuss them like a man, but at least understand them and grasp them in their particular translation in daily life, you're golden. Her focus on persons and ability to take things personally is very much a complementary strength.