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Author Topic: Emotional abuse  (Read 21148 times)

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Änσnymσus

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Emotional abuse
« on: September 28, 2025, 04:05:47 PM »
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    • This is for parents of daughters:

    In a recent post on divorce someone brought up a situation that seems almost unbelievable.  The question was brought up: why would a woman marry someone like that...did they ignore the red flags?  

    How many of you teach your daughters the red flags?  What do you tell them to look out for?  

    Everyone knows about physical violence.  But hardly anyone discusses emotional or mental abuse.  It is a thing.  I was that woman who posted that situation.  My husband never laid hands on me.  Was I less abused?  

    I don't want this to be a discussion of what happened to me.  I want this to be a discussion of what parents are teaching their daughters to look out for.  Because these men aren't obvious. They are very charming. They reel in everyone--siblings, parents, friends.  

    What would you suggest as red flags in such a man?  
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    Offline Mark 79

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    Re: Emotional abuse
    « Reply #1 on: September 28, 2025, 04:24:03 PM »
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    • Watch carefully for empathy. Discern when the empathy is sincere and when it is feigned. Most sociopaths can only manage a poor simulacrum of empathy and are easy to spot. Other sociopaths are very skilled in emulating sincere emotions and empathy, but a sharp eye can discern even the skilled sociopaths. The skilled cunning ones are similar those who are perfectly possessed; since they do not flagrantly exhibit their pathology with the usual signs, it takes great discernment to identify the worst of them.
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    Offline Peter Alcantara

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    Re: Emotional abuse
    « Reply #2 on: September 28, 2025, 04:42:21 PM »
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    • First, I want to state that I am truly sorry for what has happened to you.  If you need assistance, please let me know and my wife and I will see what we can do.

    Things my wife and I do:
    1. We must meet the parents, children and any other family members who may interact with our daughter/son on a regular basis, should they marry. Not only must we meet, we must engage in several meetings/visits.
    2. As Mark79 remarked, we will observe to pick up on any false empathy.
    3. We will review any online persona.
    4. We will meet  friends.
    5. We will observe how the suitor interacts with our son/daughter and then also observe when they don't think they are being observed.
    6. We will discuss gaslighting with our son/daughter and the tell tale signs.
    7. We will discuss suitors who may pressure our child to do something out of character.
    8. We will observe their spiritual life.
    9. We will see how the suitor reacts when we deny something or some action (this was the big sign for my sister-in-law that was missed).
    10. We will always go with our instinct.
    11. We will pray.
    12. We will seek to know their financial state and future plans.
    13. We will watch if many people like that person and the reasons behind it. What do they see that we do/don't see? ** This also came up recently when we discovered a man liked by all is actually an alcoholic, porn addicted, wife abuser. Folks referred to him as a "teddy bear",  but my wife's instincts kicked in and she told me to stay clear. I started to observe and also got the "creepy vibes".
    14. Any signs that the suitor is trying to isolate will also be noted.
    15. And, don't think a background check is going too far- especially with porn addiction and child abuse so rampant. I am not messing around.
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    Änσnymσus

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    Re: Emotional abuse
    « Reply #3 on: September 28, 2025, 04:53:27 PM »
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    • I don't have daughters, but honestly any good man has the potential to became bad. Teach her to love the perfect Man Who can never become bad, Jesus, above all; and she'll be fine.
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    Änσnymσus

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    Re: Emotional abuse
    « Reply #4 on: September 28, 2025, 05:45:52 PM »
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    • Quote from: Peter Alcantara on September 28, 2025, 04:42:21 PM
    First, I want to state that I am truly sorry for what has happened to you.  If you need assistance, please let me know and my wife and I will see what we can do.

    Things my wife and I do:
    1. We must meet the parents, children and any other family members who may interact with our daughter/son on a regular basis, should they marry. Not only must we meet, we must engage in several meetings/visits.
    2. As Mark79 remarked, we will observe to pick up on any false empathy.
    3. We will review any online persona.
    4. We will meet  friends.
    5. We will observe how the suitor interacts with our son/daughter and then also observe when they don't think they are being observed.
    6. We will discuss gaslighting with our son/daughter and the tell tale signs.
    7. We will discuss suitors who may pressure our child to do something out of character.
    8. We will observe their spiritual life.
    9. We will see how the suitor reacts when we deny something or some action (this was the big sign for my sister-in-law that was missed).
    10. We will always go with our instinct.
    11. We will pray.
    12. We will seek to know their financial state and future plans.
    13. We will watch if many people like that person and the reasons behind it. What do they see that we do/don't see? ** This also came up recently when we discovered a man liked by all is actually an alcoholic, porn addicted, wife abuser. Folks referred to him as a "teddy bear",  but my wife's instincts kicked in and she told me to stay clear. I started to observe and also got the "creepy vibes".
    14. Any signs that the suitor is trying to isolate will also be noted.
    15. And, don't think a background check is going too far- especially with porn addiction and child abuse so rampant. I am not messing around.
    1. Is quite something. Most people today do not have fully trad family members.
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    Offline Mark 79

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    Re: Emotional abuse
    « Reply #5 on: September 28, 2025, 05:46:18 PM »
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    • Quote from: Peter Alcantara on September 28, 2025, 04:42:21 PM
    First, I want to state that I am truly sorry for what has happened to you.  If you need assistance, please let me know and my wife and I will see what we can do.

    Things my wife and I do:
    1. We must meet the parents, children and any other family members who may interact with our daughter/son on a regular basis, should they marry. Not only must we meet, we must engage in several meetings/visits.
    2. As Mark79 remarked, we will observe to pick up on any false empathy.
    3. We will review any online persona.
    4. We will meet  friends.
    5. We will observe how the suitor interacts with our son/daughter and then also observe when they don't think they are being observed.
    6. We will discuss gaslighting with our son/daughter and the tell tale signs.
    7. We will discuss suitors who may pressure our child to do something out of character.
    8. We will observe their spiritual life.
    9. We will see how the suitor reacts when we deny something or some action (this was the big sign for my sister-in-law that was missed).
    10. We will always go with our instinct.
    11. We will pray.
    12. We will seek to know their financial state and future plans.
    13. We will watch if many people like that person and the reasons behind it. What do they see that we do/don't see? ** This also came up recently when we discovered a man liked by all is actually an alcoholic, porn addicted, wife abuser. Folks referred to him as a "teddy bear",  but my wife's instincts kicked in and she told me to stay clear. I started to observe and also got the "creepy vibes".
    14. Any signs that the suitor is trying to isolate will also be noted.
    15. And, don't think a background check is going too far- especially with porn addiction and child abuse so rampant. I am not messing around.
    Kudos for completeness!
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    Offline Peter Alcantara

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    Re: Emotional abuse
    « Reply #6 on: September 28, 2025, 05:53:57 PM »
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    • Quote from: Änσnymσus on September 28, 2025, 05:45:52 PM
    1. Is quite something. Most people today do not have fully trad family members.
    We are observing how everyone interacts and treats each other. I want to see how my daughter's suitor treats his mother. I want to see how my son's potential wife acts towards her father. 
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    Änσnymσus

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    Re: Emotional abuse
    « Reply #7 on: September 29, 2025, 12:00:09 AM »
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    • Quote from: Peter Alcantara on September 28, 2025, 05:53:57 PM
    We are observing how everyone interacts and treats each other. I want to see how my daughter's suitor treats his mother. I want to see how my son's potential wife acts towards her father.
    So that would mean your children could only marry locally?
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    Offline Mark 79

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    Re: Emotional abuse
    « Reply #8 on: September 29, 2025, 01:09:34 AM »
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    • Not to be cavalier about the problem… BUT… examples abound of "trad" children ignoring their upbringing and parental advice and instead succuмbing to their own infatuations and vices. Bottom line: "Trads" are not exempt from the effects of Original Sin and not everyone goes to Heaven. As parents we can only do our best.
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    Offline Peter Alcantara

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    Re: Emotional abuse
    « Reply #9 on: September 29, 2025, 05:02:06 AM »
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    • Quote from: Änσnymσus on September 29, 2025, 12:00:09 AM
    So that would mean your children could only marry locally?
    No, it wouldn't. But, that is not the topic of this thread. If you would like to discuss  non-local courting, then start a new thread or contact me directly. 
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    Änσnymσus

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    Re: Emotional abuse
    « Reply #10 on: September 29, 2025, 09:24:32 AM »
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    • I married an abuser (physical and verbal).  He also went on to abuse our child (intense exercise/withholding of food for 10+ hrs, verbal abuse).  Red flags during courtship I ignored:

    1.  Super fast courtship (wanted to marry in less than a month)
    2.  Got drunk at restaurant on second date
    3.  Made vulgar jokes
    4.  Was fixated on my family's financial situation (ability to generate income/wealth)
    5.  Insulted my grandfather who he had never met (called him an "old jew" even though he was a lifelong old world Catholic)
    6.  Wanted me to talk to his family on the phone (who I hadn't met yet) to prove I was real "so they won't think I'm a fαɢɢօt").

    It should be noted I was not a Christian at the time so I didn't have faith and morals to guide me.  The biggest factor in why I married someone that I already knew was not a good man--my father had been a violent drunk and by comparison I thought I could handle this guy.
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    Änσnymσus

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    Re: Emotional abuse
    « Reply #11 on: September 29, 2025, 04:56:26 PM »
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    • Quote from: Änσnymσus on September 29, 2025, 09:24:32 AM
    I married an abuser (physical and verbal).  He also went on to abuse our child (intense exercise/withholding of food for 10+ hrs, verbal abuse).  Red flags during courtship I ignored:

    1.  Super fast courtship (wanted to marry in less than a month)
    2.  Got drunk at restaurant on second date
    3.  Made vulgar jokes
    4.  Was fixated on my family's financial situation (ability to generate income/wealth)
    5.  Insulted my grandfather who he had never met (called him an "old jew" even though he was a lifelong old world Catholic)
    6.  Wanted me to talk to his family on the phone (who I hadn't met yet) to prove I was real "so they won't think I'm a fαɢɢօt").

    It should be noted I was not a Christian at the time so I didn't have faith and morals to guide me.  The biggest factor in why I married someone that I already knew was not a good man--my father had been a violent drunk and by comparison I thought I could handle this guy.
    Wow sorry to hear that. My parents got married within 2 months so I don't think 1 is a red flag (personal bias) but those other 5 definitely stand out. Your last comment also shows you willingly ignored it and that you didn't have your parents to guide you.

    I guess at this point you can only carry the Cross, I hope things get better, starving a child is horrific.
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    Änσnymσus

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    Re: Emotional abuse
    « Reply #12 on: September 29, 2025, 05:29:07 PM »
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    • I teach my children to watch the dynamics in their future spouses family, what you see will be part of your own dynamics when you get married either unwittingly or on purpose.  That does not mean that they will not be suitable but you need to weigh up if some of those odd behaviours/expectations are deal breakers. eg alcohol problems, flashy spenders, keeping up with the jones, to much focus on human respect. etc
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    Änσnymσus

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    Re: Emotional abuse
    « Reply #13 on: September 29, 2025, 07:36:42 PM »
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    • There is a book called All for the Love of Mothers, by the author Lisbeth Burger, published by Lepanto Press, which addresses this issue very well.  It would be best if parents read it before hand and decide if their daughter is ready to read it.  It is very good and very educational regarding how to recognize a good and not so good man.
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    Offline Ladislaus

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    Re: Emotional abuse
    « Reply #14 on: September 29, 2025, 08:39:09 PM »
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    • Quote from: Änσnymσus on September 29, 2025, 09:24:32 AM
    I married an abuser (physical and verbal).  He also went on to abuse our child (intense exercise/withholding of food for 10+ hrs, verbal abuse).  Red flags during courtship I ignored:

    1.  Super fast courtship (wanted to marry in less than a month)
    2.  Got drunk at restaurant on second date
    3.  Made vulgar jokes
    4.  Was fixated on my family's financial situation (ability to generate income/wealth)
    5.  Insulted my grandfather who he had never met (called him an "old jew" even though he was a lifelong old world Catholic)
    6.  Wanted me to talk to his family on the phone (who I hadn't met yet) to prove I was real "so they won't think I'm a fαɢɢօt").

    It should be noted I was not a Christian at the time so I didn't have faith and morals to guide me.  The biggest factor in why I married someone that I already knew was not a good man--my father had been a violent drunk and by comparison I thought I could handle this guy.

    While I do not want to make light of your situation, are you the unfortunate individual who got stuck marrying Croix?

    Seriously, however, that's one of THE most common mistakes people, most often women, make.  Here it's not that you didn't see or recognize the red flags, but you dismissed them with the belief that you could CHANGE the guy.  So, red flags is an understatement with this guy ... and it looked more like one of the blinding emergency vehicle sirens.  That's actually a very common impulse of feminine vanity, where you believe that YOU had the power to change such an individual.  That's known to be one of the reasons that serial killers in prison get dozens of marriage proposals, where female vanity drives many to think that they had the feminine power, almost divine, to transform a serial killer into some kind of saint.

    Bottom line is that, barring some divine intervention, it's very rare for individuals to undergo fundamental change, in terms of their personality, their temperament, their character.  Now, they might be able to tame it, but THEY have to want to change, and if THEY do not want to change, no amount of feminine wiles will be able to overcome that.  Sure, they might be able to hide some of these impulses a bit early on ... but then as soon as the initial infatuation has worn off, it'll all resurface, often with a vengeance.
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