Do you pray the daily Rosary, Vince? If not, pray the Rosary faithfully every day for a week starting today, even if it's hard to make yourself do it. See how you feel about the situation after that. You may be suprised how much things can change in a week with that under your belt. And of course after that week is over, keep praying it. :) There's no one better to help us overcome ourselves than our Blessed Mother.

 

Do you pray the daily Rosary, Vince? If not, pray the Rosary faithfully every day for a week starting today, even if it's hard to make yourself do it. See how you feel about the situation after that. You may be suprised how much things can change in a week with that under your belt. And of course after that week is over, keep praying it. :) There's no one better to help us overcome ourselves than our Blessed Mother.

 

No, I don't; I should. I go through periods in which I do pray the Rosary daily, one or two in fact; but never longer then a period of 6 months - which ended around 2 and a half years ago. Since then its just been small pockets of devotion here and there followed by relapse into sin.

Its a big thing to set aside one's pride; to deny oneself completely and follow Christ. I'm just beginning to see that.

Like the story in the Gospel about a man who approached Jesus and asked what he must do to be perfect to which Jesus replied, "....go thy way, sell whatsoever thou hast, and give to the poor, and thou shalt have treasure in heaven: and come, take up the cross, and follow me". The rich man, as you know, ran away sorrowful because he had many things.

I don't have many material things, but the little I do have, and the pride that I have, I am finding hard to deny. And I don't like to deceive myself by being "devoted" outwardly while inwardly I'm not denying myself completely. Its all or nothing.

So basically the reality of what it truly takes to follow Christ the way He wants has become more clear to me, and I am shying away from it.

Please pray for me, thank you!

Said a Hail Mary.

But please realize that this:

And I don't like to deceive myself by being "devoted" outwardly while inwardly I'm not denying myself completely. Its all or nothing.

is a dastardly trap of Satan.

Do what you need to do, even if only outwardly, and your interior disposition will change over time. Ask God to take the imperfect works and move your soul. This is crucial to spiritual growth.

If you continue in the "all or nothing" mindset (which btw is rooted in pride) you WILL end at nothing.

Please reconsider and take a "baby steps" approach. This is how God works most of the time. On rare occasions He will work miracles of grace but for most of us, it's all about baby steps.

I dare say even this insatiable need to give all to God in the context of "all or nothing" may not be of God. God does not torture us. He knows that we are stupid, that we need time and grace, that slow and steady wins the race and that's how He works with us. God also satiates us. If this insatiable "thing" is driving you nuts and keeping you in a state of confusion, let it go.

Sometimes Satan sees a magnanimous soul, which you seem to have, and takes full advantage by making it think and feel like the little things will never be enough. It ties into this all or nothing mentality and brings a sense of depression or helplessness with it. But very few people, if anyone, maybe St Paul, work that way. Most of us need to put on a little humility and realize that sanctity is a slow, painstaking process that is never fully "all" or complete until we reach the Beatific Vision.

When the saints long for God or to give Him their all, they still have an underlying peace about it. If it is accompanied by distress, it is a smoke and mirrors trick designed to keep you paralyzed, thinking you can't do enough so why bother doing anything at all. I say grab the Holy Water every time you feel that pressure build. Then give yourself a quick pep talk about the differences pointed out here and ask God to help you get through this stage.

I say this as someone who was tortured in the discernment of my vocation, thinking I had to go to the convent or else. It wasn't until I got through a few years in that stage that I could look back and realize that all that agony and confusion was NOT of God even though it said all the "right" things. Not saying you do or don't have a vocation but I doubt you can discern properly in the state of mind you're in. You have to start small and find a basic level of peace before entering anywhere.

I guess I'm afraid, and proud. This longing I speak of I would assume is ultimately from God since all Humans are made for God alone and no one is satisfied without God; I'm just ashamed or afraid of this fact. When I pray the rosary I do feel peace and joy; but this longing for more remains. To me its as if God is telling me you're not giving yourself entirely to Me, your not surrendering COMPLETELY. And I can see it by the way I act and go about my life; I pray when I am in distress or when it feels good, not all of the time and unconditionally.  

I mean, is there something wrong with always thinking of God and always thinking of pleasing him and doing your best to fulfill his Will? I'm pretty sure that's what we're all made for. I know its what I ought to do.

I'm just afraid to MAKE those small baby steps necessary that will lead me to love God fully.

I don't know if I even made myself clear, I'm confused and just... tired.

Thank you for the replies and prayers!!!

Sincerely,

Vince

Prayers your way

Also, if it hasn't been mentioned yet, I reccommend you place yourself under the guidance of a good and holy father confessor. This will be the surest way of getting aid for any combat in your spiritual life. (This, of course, in addition to the other weapons at your disposal (frequent Holy Communion, Holy Rosary, etc.)).

 

Yes I need a spiritual director!!!

I think I live near a group of Resistance people, should I contact one of them or contact the regular parish priest at the sspx chapel here in Toronto?  

With everything that's going on within the sspx I am reluctant to speak with the regular parish priest.

I want to really establish my spiritual life before the time comes when the true Mass will be hardly found and persecuted, and I can see that time is coming soon and that scares me!

Anyways, I thank all of you so much for your prayers!!!!!