I join my prayers with those of the many others who are praying for you, Matto.
My especial worry is that you might have suffered a mild-to-moderate stroke. For some considerable time your comments here have manifested elements suggestive of both disorientation and a marked reorientation away from prior reasonable interests and concerns. These characteristics frequently follow in the wake of a cerebrovascular event.
If it seems to you that I am off the mark, please understand that no offense was intended. But if the moral and emotional reorientation you appear to be experiencing troubles you as much as it sometimes appears to, you ought to consider consulting a neurologist.