Catholic Info
Traditional Catholic Faith => The Catholic Bunker => Topic started by: AnthonyPadua on July 02, 2024, 11:08:12 PM
-
So how would one go about learning about this subject? I figure it will be useful to learn about this stuff now and I already have it in the back of mind later when I need it.
-
That's like playing baseball against the St. Louis Cardinals after you read a book about baseball. You're going to get decimated.
You need to journey the wilderness and experience courtship for yourself to learn about it and improve your social skills and discernment in finding a good, worthy woman.
-
Just adding the item below as food for thought. It's a reader comment from a blog (https://life-craft.org/changing-how-our-children-do-dating/). (This comment is more interesting than the article it came from.)
OP, maybe give it a thoughtful read-through and consider how you might imagine yourself in this example as the fellow doing the courting. For mulling that over, the relevant part starts at the fourth paragraph (though the girl's background described in the first part is to be noted too).
My oldest daughter is often mistake as my sister, I was 20 when she was born. My husband and I initially had been advising her to major in some sort of science, to obtain a degree and then marry. That seemed to be the game plan for a good successful and fruitful life. That is until I read an article that got me questioning if that was really the best advise to give her. The article made the argument that when young ladies have the goal of working towards a career, they often pour themselves into this pursuit for many years putting on hold things that can get in the way such as marriage and children. This can put on an enormous amount of pressure and risk for many years of falling into temptation and being afraid to maybe commit to anything that they might not feel ready for until they finish school or begin their career.
My daughter wasn’t passionate about anything in particular she wasn’t dreaming of being a doctor or engineer or anything really at all. She wasn’t driven to do something in particular, in fact she was trying to figure out what exactly she wanted and might be good at. She had played softball for many years but didn’t see herself wanting to pursue that into College. So one day I told her that as she thought and prayed about her future she needed first to decide if she felt called to married life. If that was the case she needed to also think about what she wanted that to look like, did she want to try to balance a career and her responsibilities at home? Did she want to have others watching her children while she worked, did she want to put them in school in some form, did she want to homeschool. I wanted her to think about how she imagined that would look. I also wanted her to know that it was not just ok if the only thing she wanted to do was stay at home and be with her kids and serve her husband, but that it was a life filled with merit and beauty and virtue, and oh so rewarding. I encouraged her then to prepare herself now for the kind of mother she wanted to be and the kind of wife she wanted to be for her future husband, and to pray for him. Her goal then was to study the art of homemaking and growing in the virtues particularly needed for such a vocation.
As a little girl I had been instructing her in many different ways about dating. She knew that dating was something that was meant for the purpose of courting someone to see if they were a good match for marriage, that it was specifically directed towards marriage. She also had many examples of what marriage is. First and foremost she has the witness of the marriage of her father and I. It is not perfect, and it was even less perfect in her earlier years, but we have always both understood that this is for better or worse. She has seen us work through our problems and seen us love each other with our entire hearts when it has been hard to do so and when it just comes so easily. She has grandparents who have also showed what for better or worse means. One set loves each other with an obvious and outward affection. The other set of grandparents seem to be more resigned to carry their marriage as a cross, but with a full commitment to live it out for God and also because they know this is their path to sanctification, and although they might not show it they do love each other.
In the summer of the year that our daughter was to turn 17 she met a boy from our church whom was interested in dating her. This boy was driving to the parking lot of our Church when the masses had been canceled due to 2020 and he was praying the Rosary in his truck on Sundays at the church, even though there was no mass. When he asked if he could date our daughter we talked with him and explained to him what the parameters of that would be. They were allowed to call it dating if they wished but they had to understand that what we were giving permission to was the begging stages of courtship which would be to allow them to get to know each other and to grow in friendship understanding that they had the intention to see if they were a good match for a future together. We were very clear that the only way that we would allow this is if they understood that what they were trying to see was if they would be a good match for marriage. We also made it clear that because they were so young the only way we felt comfortable with such a relationship was if it was very slow. We asked them to if they felt prepared to marry within a few years.
So with certain boundaries, they were allowed to talk on the phone a certain amount of time about 20 minutes with the door open of her room or a room not to far from our ears a few days a week. We made efforts to allow them to hang out together by having him over to family outings and events. They were not allowed any type of privacy or alone time. This was the price of dating at this age, and they agreed to it. After over a year of this we allowed them to go out to a restaurant on a “date” but she had to bring along her younger brother. As soon as this young man graduated from Highschool he entered a trade school, but before leaving for a few months to earn his certifications he proposed to her and they were betrothed. After they became betrothed they were allowed more time together without little brother for dinner on days when he would come back in town. They also spent more time alone because they were actively preparing for their wedding. The got married about 8 months after he got back from trade school They both saved all their money and she worked two part time jobs as well as having income coming in from starting her own photography business during her last year of high school. A little venture which my husband encouraged her in an taught to her. He had required her to have some sort of business plan and work towards it before he would allow her to get a job. We also highly discouraged jobs where she would be around crowds that were not going to benefit her, and she was very blessed to have had two wonderful opportunities right out of High School working for a financial advisor and a chiropractor. They paid for their wedding all without taking any loans out, and it was a beautiful wedding. They now live in an apartment and she just received her real estate license. She continues to work and build her avenues of income that she can continue to do from home or with a schedule she can build herself if she wants to or needs to once the Lord blesses them with children.
These two started off young, my husband and I positioned ourselves as mentors and as their guardrails during those early years, fully explaining to them the why emphasizing that it was to help them with the goals they themselves had for their relationship. They spent the first few years gaining our trust and showing to us their maturity and when the betrothal time came it was natural and easy to give them more space and the rest is a story that is still unraveling . My daughter had always wanted a best friend that stuck by her side, (and that wasn’t mom or dad, her next sibling is 10 years younger than her), so she really longed for a buddy and she found that truly in her husband they are the best of friends, and we are so grateful for God’s answered prayers in her life. We still have 4 more to go, so lots more praying to do.
Also when her now husband proposed to her and she became engaged one of her uncles who at the time was almost 40 advised her AHG she should play the field and see what else was about there before making such a decision. She found it interesting that people in their 40s still didn’t seem to understand what the purpose of dating is. They were both aware that they were young but they also both truly felt that this was all Gods plan for them. They also had the benefit of a wonderful spiritual director who checks in on them often. He is a priest who had seen them mature in their relationship because both of them were actively involved in our parish her in choir and my son in law as an altar server. They both are still involved in this way although not as often.
I am counting my blessings as I write this for it is truly Gods goodness that has been active in all of this. It would be to much to explain further all the little and other big ways in how God was worked in this union of these two coming together and they way it all happened.
God bless.
- (https://secure.gravatar.com/avatar/6b9418036750c19a172f699168c7769a?s=80&d=mm&r=g)
John Cuddeback on May 16, 2024 at 10:12 am
Thank you for sharing this, Selene! It is beautiful how you and your husband were able to stay close and involved in your daughter’s life and to help her move toward independence and starting her new life with her husband. God bless each of you!