Author Topic: Two old dears talking.  (Read 629 times)

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Offline cassini

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Two old dears talking.
« on: May 28, 2021, 11:55:09 AM »
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  • Two old dears talking after Mass. One said to the other, 'I'll never forget that harsh priest who gave me a decade of the Rosary after confession. Thank God I have only one more year of it left.'

    Priceless, yes?

    Offline cassini

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    Re: Two old dears talking.
    « Reply #1 on: May 29, 2021, 04:09:39 AM »
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  • Ok, here is another. A man walking by my house got chatting to a neighbour. He was wearing the mask to save his life as he was told to do. His dog was restless so he commanded it to 'sitt.' With that the dog did a sh-t. The neighbour said, 'now there is an obedient pandemic dog.'


    Offline cassini

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    Re: Two old dears talking.
    « Reply #2 on: May 29, 2021, 07:15:45 AM »
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  • Here is another of my favourites:

    Two ladies talking about the past. One said to the other;

    "There were three things I was bad at at school, geometry and mathematics."

    The other said: " And what else?"

    To which the first lady said: " What do you mean, what else?"

    Offline donkath

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      • h
    Re: Two old dears talking.
    « Reply #3 on: May 30, 2021, 12:26:41 AM »
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  • A vacuum salesman appeared at the door of an old lady's cottage and, without allowing the woman to speak, rushed into the living room and threw a large bag of dirt all over her clean carpet. He said, "If this new vacuum doesn't pick up every bit of dirt then I'll eat all the dirt."

    The woman, who by this time was losing her patience, said, "Sir, if I had enough money to buy that thing, I would have paid my electricity bill before they cut it off. Now, what would you prefer, a spoon or a knife and fork?"
    "In His wisdom," says St. Gregory, "almighty God preferred rather to bring good out of evil than never allow evil to occur."

    Offline cassini

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    Re: Two old dears talking.
    « Reply #4 on: May 30, 2021, 07:06:04 AM »
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  • Two cannibals kill and begin to eat a clown in a circus visiting their area.

    No sooner do they start to eat when one says to the other:

    "This meat tastes funny."


    Offline cassini

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    Re: Two old dears talking.
    « Reply #5 on: June 01, 2021, 06:49:27 AM »
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  • Two kids, after hearing a homily about heaven at Sunday Mass, began to talk about it. One said to the other, I didn't know there was ever-laughing happiness in Heaven. It should be good fun then.

    Offline cassini

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    Re: Two old dears talking.
    « Reply #6 on: June 18, 2021, 03:02:49 AM »
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  • Two Jews were walking down the street. One of them found a pay-envelope with the money inside. $300, yelled his friend, you lucky man. 'What do you mean,' said the lucky man, ' look at all the government deductions?'

    Online Nadir

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    Re: Two old dears talking.
    « Reply #7 on: June 18, 2021, 03:12:52 AM »
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  • Mummy, Father said "remember man that thou art dust and unto dust thou wilt return"?
    Yes darling, why do you ask? 
    Because I just looked under the bed and it looks like someone is coming or going.


    Online Nadir

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    Re: Two old dears talking.
    « Reply #8 on: June 18, 2021, 03:19:33 AM »
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  • Teacher told the children to draw a picture of the flight into Egypt. She looked at Johnny's sketch and said "that's very good. Johnny, but what's that black mark on your picture?"
    Oh that, answered Johnny. You said that Joseph was to take Mary and baby Jesus and flee into Egypt. Well, that's the flea!

    Offline Romulus

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    • Waasssaaap
    Re: Two old dears talking.
    « Reply #9 on: June 18, 2021, 10:28:58 AM »
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  • A dying rich man called a Catholic Priest, a protestant minister and a Jєωιѕн rabbi over to his bedside, he said, "They say you cant take it with you, but I'll prove them wrong" and he gave each of them $100,000 and told them to put the money in his coffin just before he was buried. When the rich man passed away the Priest came by and put the cash into the coffin and went his way. The protestant minister came by and put the cash in the coffin and went his way. The Jew came by and put in a check for $100,000 and went his way. :clown:
    So do all who live to see such times but it is not for them to decide, all you have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to you.

    Offline cassini

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    Re: Two old dears talking.
    « Reply #10 on: July 10, 2021, 12:00:01 PM »
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  • Two rats talking to one another. 'Have you had your covid vaccine yet,' 'No,' said the other, 'they are still testing them out on humans.'


    Offline Seraphina

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    Re: Two old dears talking.
    « Reply #11 on: July 10, 2021, 09:12:53 PM »
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  • Teacher told the children to draw a picture of the flight into Egypt. She looked at Johnny's sketch and said "that's very good. Johnny, but what's that black mark on your picture?"
    Oh that, answered Johnny. You said that Joseph was to take Mary and baby Jesus and flee into Egypt. Well, that's the flea!
    Amusing IRL.   We read the same story in first grade religion class.  In order to improve their phonics and comprehension skills, I presented a simple version of the story, words only, on a smartboard.  The children’s assignment was to write an original sentence using the words on the board and draw a picture to go with it.  
    After a time the children took turns sharing their work.  One boy stood up and read his sentence, “Mary and Joseph and Jesus take a flight to Egypt.”  His picture showed an EgyptAir 787 jet with three windows and an arrow pointing to the bottom of the plane. In the back window was St. Joseph, in front of him, Mary holding up baby Jesus, in the very front, the pilot. Beneath the arrow was written, “donkey!”  


     

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