Author Topic: Political Jokes (Read 4585 times)

ServusSpiritusSancti · « **on:** February 17, 2012, 03:41:01 PM »

Just some political jokes I thought I'd share:

"Who would Donald Trump have picked as his VP if he had stayed in the GOP race?"

Answer: His hair

"What are three reasons to like Rick Perry?"

1. He's nice
2. He's (somewhat) conservative
3. He's....um....um.... I can't remember the third reason. Oops.

"Back in the day we had Ronald Reagan, Bob Hope, and Johnny Cash. Now we have Obama, no Hope, and No Cash."

"What would be Newt Gingrich's plan if he is elected as president?"

Answer: To have a Newt World Order.

"How many mistresses did Hermain Cain have?"

Answer: 999

Busillis · « **Reply #1 on:** February 17, 2012, 04:08:33 PM »

I groaned five times.

Unbrandable · « **Reply #2 on:** July 04, 2013, 06:52:56 PM »

While walking down the street one day, a U.S. Senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter. “Welcome to heaven,” says St. Peter. “Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high ranking official around these parts you see, so we’re not sure what to do with you.”

—“No problem, just let me in,” said the Senator.

—“Well, I’d like to but I have orders from higher up. What we’ll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity,” gently replied the Gatekeeper.

—“Really, I’ve made up my mind and I want to be in heaven,” answered the Senator.

—“I’m sorry, but we must abide by our rules,” firmly declared St. Peter.

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he descends into hell. When the door finally opens, he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had previously worked with him. Everyone is very happy and dressed in evening attire. They run to greet him, shake his hand and reminisce about the good times they had while becoming wealthy at the expense of the people. They played a friendly game of golf and dined on lobster, caviar and champagne. Also present is the devil who actually is a friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time, that before the Senator realizes it, it’s time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves as the elevator rises. As the elevator ascends and the door opens, St. Peter is there waiting and says, “Now it’s time to visit heaven.”

So, 24 hours passed while the Senator enjoys himself by joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing harps and singing. Again, before he realizes, his time is up and St. Peter returns and asks, “Well, after spending a day in hell and a day in heaven, where do you choose to spend eternity?” The senator reflects for a minute the answers, “Well, I would have never said it before—I mean heaven has been delightful—but I think I would be better off in hell.”

So, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator where he descends into hell. As the elevator door opens, the Senator notices that he’s in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees his friends, dressed in rags, placing trash into black bags as it falls from above. The devil arrives to greet him. “I don’t understand,” stammers the Senator. “Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course with a clubhouse. We ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne and danced and had a great time. Now there’s just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?”

The devil looks at him and smilingly replies, “Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted.”

Defender · « **Reply #3 on:** July 04, 2013, 07:38:10 PM »

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Alberta when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.
The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?"

Bud looked at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looked at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answered, "Sure, Why not?"

The yuppie parked his car, whipped out his macBook Air computer, connected it to his iphone, and surfed to a NASApage on the Internet, where he called up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then fed to another NASA satellite that scanned the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opened the digital photo in iPhoto and exported it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany .

Within seconds, he received an email on his iPhone that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accessed an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his iPhone and, after a few minutes, received a response.

Finally, he printed out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized Canon LaserJet printer, turned to the cowboy and said, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," said Bud.

He watched the young man select one of the animals and looked on with amusement as the young man stuffed it into the trunk of his car.

Then Bud said to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thought about it for a second and then said, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a Member of Parliament for the Canadian Government", said Bud.

"Wow! That's correct," said the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you. You want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter you are than me, and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep. ...

Now give me back my dog."