Author Topic: Official Trad Girlfriend Application Form  (Read 1527 times)

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Offline Yeti

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Official Trad Girlfriend Application Form
« on: December 27, 2020, 11:29:12 PM »
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  • The following was posted on Fisheaters by some unsung genius about a decade ago. It's the kind of joke that will never get old. If anyone was on that forum back in 2010 or 2011 and remembers who posted this, can you please say, so that they can receive the glory they deserve.

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    Official Trad Girlfriend Application


    1. Full Legal Name: ______________________________________________
    2. Age: ___
    3. Height: ___
    4A.  Weight: ____
    4B. Ok, your real weight this time: ____
    5.  Eye Color: _____
    6. Natural Hair Color: _______
    7. Current Hair Color: _____     
    8. If the answers to questions 6 and 7 are not the same please explain how dyeing your hair does not go against the natural law: ________________________________
    9. Home Phone Number: _________________
    10. Cell Phone Number: ____________________
    11. Email: _______________________
    12. If you have your own cell phone please explain how you're not a feminist: _________________________________________________
    13. Are you a virgin?: ____
    14. If you answered "yes" to question 13, but are over the age of 16 please explain how this is possible: _________________________
    15A. Are you literate?:_______
    15B. If so, have you ever read a book on the Index Librorum Prohibitorum? ______   
    16. If so, please list said books and explain why you read them: ________________
    17. Did you drop out of High School?: ________________     
    18. Did you attend a SSPX affiliated high school?: ________     
    19. If you answered "no" to questions 17 and 18 please explain how you were not tainted my modernism or secular humanism: ___________________________________
    20. Have you ever set foot on a college campus: ______
    21. Do you have a college degree? If so, please list degree: ________________       
    (If you answered "yes" to either questions 20 or 21 please stop filling out this application)
    21A. Are you able to hold intelligent conversation on subjects other than babies, knitting, cosmetics, and cooking?:_____________________________
    21B. Do you have a well paying job. Please be sure to mention your salary: _______________   (If your salary is less than $40,000 please stop filling out this application)
    21C. Do you agree that it is an abomination for women to have jobs?: ______ (If you answered "no" please stop filling out this application).

    22. On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot are you (with 1 representing Gertrude Stein and 10 representing Megan Fox, modestly dressed of course): ____________
    23. If you answered anything other than "10" please explain why I should continue to give this application serious consideration: ________________________________________
    24. Do you own pants?: _________
    25. Have you ever at any point in your life worn pants?: _______________             
    26. If so, please list all the occasions that you did so and give a brief explanation as to why you engaged in such unchaste behavior: ______________________________________
    27. What kind of chapel do you attend (i.e. FSSP, SSPX, Independent): ___________
    28. Is Bishop Williamson a great bishop or the greatest bishop ever?: __________________
    29. Have you ever attended the Novus Ordo? If so, please list all occasions and explain why you committed this blasphemy: _________________
    30. How many people are you friends with who are not Traditional Catholics: ________
    31. If you answered question 30 with anything other than "0" please explain how you can still be considered a traditional Catholic: _____________
    31. Does the sun revolve around the Earth?: ______________
    32. How long have the dinosaurs been extinct?: _________
    33. Who is responsible for the 9/11 attacks?: ________________
    34. Is Ron Paul a great statesmen or the greatest statesmen ever?: __________________           
    35.  Which group should we fear the most: Jews, Muslims, Freemasons, Reptilians, Feminists, or the Bilderberg group?: ________________
    36. Is your name Laura?: ____________   (If you answered "yes" to question 36 please burn this application)
    37. If you answered questions 31-35 with anything other than "I don't know" please explain how you have not been tainted by education: ________________________
    38. Are you able to cook a five star breakfast, lunch, and dinner everyday from the date of our marriage until the date of my death?:_______________________________
    39. Will you be able to produce only 2-3 children without the use of birth control, NFP, or abstinence? _______________.
    40. Is it wrong for a husband to hit his wife? _______________
    41. If you answered "yes" to question 40 please explain how you're not a feminist: ______________________________
    42. Do you drink? If so, how often? ____________
    43. Are you okay with me getting plastered every night? _______________
    44. Do you smoke? If so, how often? _____________
    45. Do you have a history of mental illness?: _________________  (If you answered question 45 with "yes" please stop filling out the application unless you answered question 22 with a "10")

    List the details of your past three relationships starting with the most recent. Please include start and end date and reason for ending the relationship:
    I. ___________________________
    II. ___________________________
    III. ___________________________

    Please supply references of three traditional Catholics that know you:
    I. _____________________________
    II. _____________________________
    III. _____________________________

    I hereby swear before the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost and the Blessed Virgin Mary that the information given by me in this application is true to my knowledge and I give you the authorization to verify it using any means you deem appropriate. I understand that by filling out this form and submitting it for review does not guarantee that I will be chosen.

    Date: _________________                            Signature: __________________


    Name of witness if applicant signed with an "X": ___________________________
    Name of person who filled out application if applicant is illiterate: ________________________



    Online SimpleMan

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    Re: Official Trad Girlfriend Application Form
    « Reply #1 on: December 28, 2020, 06:44:20 AM »
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  • This is a hoot!

    But don't forget about how demanding that traditional Catholic women can be.  I'm all for having standards, and high standards at that, but some of them... well, it's probably not unheard of, for them to stay single for life, because no man can measure up.  And there is no nice way to put this, but they do not always bring that much to the table themselves, in the way of personality, intelligence, appearance, and so on.  Sometimes you get the idea they don't want to get married (for whatever reason, possibly even reasons they don't wish to discuss) and are just making excuses.  I've known of cases.

    And then again there are Catholic women who seem actually to prefer to "find a man out in the world and convert him".  This would especially apply if the man has everything else they want (especially money) and only lacks the Catholic Faith.

    And Megan Fox's thumbs are too short.  :jester:


    Offline Matthew

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    Re: Official Trad Girlfriend Application Form
    « Reply #2 on: December 28, 2020, 07:27:24 AM »
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  • This kind of humor isn't my cup of tea -- the whole thing drips with *Fisheaters* tier humor. 

    If you were an average Fisheaters member, totally fitting in, having all the average beliefs, you'd get all the jokes.

    The things this paper jokes about aren't the same things CI members have criticized and joked about. These jokes were tailored for FE members, not CI members. A whole different flavor. 

    Hard to describe it, but as an amateur poet I definitely taste the "flavor".
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    Offline Mithrandylan

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    Re: Official Trad Girlfriend Application Form
    « Reply #3 on: December 28, 2020, 07:38:15 AM »
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  • This kind of humor isn't my cup of tea -- the whole thing drips with *Fisheaters* tier humor.

    If you were an average Fisheaters member, totally fitting in, having all the average beliefs, you'd get all the jokes.

    The things this paper jokes about aren't the same things CI members have criticized and joked about. These jokes were tailored for FE members, not CI members. A whole different flavor.

    Hard to describe it, but as an amateur poet I definitely taste the "flavor".
    Think of some of your own users-- people like Banezian, Croix de Fer, etc.-- and I think the humor will become clear.
    More Catholic Discussion: http://thetradforum.com

    Offline gladius_veritatis

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    Re: Official Trad Girlfriend Application Form
    « Reply #4 on: December 28, 2020, 07:47:29 AM »
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  • When waxing superior, even in jest, it is wise to proofread or get assistance from someone who can do so.  :fryingpan:
    + Vincit veritas +


    Offline Last Tradhican

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    Re: Official Trad Girlfriend Application Form
    « Reply #5 on: December 28, 2020, 12:34:44 PM »
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  • I don't get this one, can someone explain it?:

    36. Is your name Laura?: ____________   (If you answered "yes" to question 36 please burn this application)
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    Offline Stubborn

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    Re: Official Trad Girlfriend Application Form
    « Reply #6 on: December 28, 2020, 12:41:04 PM »
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  • I don't get this one, can someone explain it?:

    36. Is your name Laura?: ____________   (If you answered "yes" to question 36 please burn this application)
    I think Laura was the name of the pervert man who wanted to be a woman. Sickening.
    The Highest Principle in the Church: "We are first of all under obedience to God, and only then under obedience to man." - Fr. Hesse

    Offline Incredulous

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    Re: Official Trad Girlfriend Application Form
    « Reply #7 on: December 28, 2020, 12:58:28 PM »
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  •  I want want to see the Official Trad Boyfriend Application Form  :popcorn:


    For the guys, I suspect stone throwing in a glass house won't be such a fun game anymore.
    "Some preachers will keep silence about the truth, and others will trample it underfoot and deny it. Sanctity of life will be held in derision even by those who outwardly profess it, for in those days Our Lord Jesus Christ will send them not a true Pastor but a destroyer."  St. Francis of Assisi


    Offline Yeti

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    Re: Official Trad Girlfriend Application Form
    « Reply #8 on: December 28, 2020, 03:20:05 PM »
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  • I don't get this one, can someone explain it?:

    36. Is your name Laura?: ____________   (If you answered "yes" to question 36 please burn this application)
    .
    That one puzzles me too. I think most likely it's just an inside joke with the author, like maybe he had a bad experience with someone named Laura.

    Offline TKGS

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    Re: Official Trad Girlfriend Application Form
    « Reply #9 on: December 28, 2020, 03:51:11 PM »
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  • I don't get this one, can someone explain it?:

    36. Is your name Laura?: ____________   (If you answered "yes" to question 36 please burn this application)
    Same with this one:
    22. On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot are you (with 1 representing Gertrude Stein and 10 representing Megan Fox, modestly dressed of course): ____________

    I suppose most people know who Gertrude Stein and Megan Fox are, but I haven't a clue.

    Offline Yeti

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    Re: Official Trad Girlfriend Application Form
    « Reply #10 on: December 28, 2020, 03:54:40 PM »
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  • Same with this one:
    22. On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot are you (with 1 representing Gertrude Stein and 10 representing Megan Fox, modestly dressed of course): ____________

    I suppose most people know who Gertrude Stein and Megan Fox are, but I haven't a clue.
    .
    Here you go. You should be able to figure out which is which :laugh1:
    .



    Offline TKGS

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    Re: Official Trad Girlfriend Application Form
    « Reply #11 on: December 28, 2020, 04:06:28 PM »
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  • .
    Here you go. You should be able to figure out which is which :laugh1:
    .


    Yeah...I think I can make a pretty good guess as to which is which, but I still don't know who either of these ladies are.

    Offline Cera

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    Re: Official Trad Girlfriend Application Form
    « Reply #12 on: December 28, 2020, 04:32:28 PM »
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  • .
    That one puzzles me too. I think most likely it's just an inside joke with the author, like maybe he had a bad experience with someone named Laura.
    Yes, a great deal can be learned about the author's personal history, like this:
    13. Are you a virgin?: ____
    14. If you answered "yes" to question 13, but are over the age of 16 please explain how this is possible:
    A traditional Catholic who is not rationalizing his own illicit behavior would not be projecting such low moral standards onto others (even as a joke.)
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    Online SimpleMan

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    Re: Official Trad Girlfriend Application Form
    « Reply #13 on: December 28, 2020, 05:34:24 PM »
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  • I want want to see the Official Trad Boyfriend Application Form  :popcorn:


    For the guys, I suspect stone throwing in a glass house won't be such a fun game anymore.
    When I have a little more time, I might write up something myself.

    In all fairness, though, I do not recall ever knowing a traditional Catholic man who had standards anywhere close to what is described in this humor piece.

    One question I would put on my own such application, if I were in a state of life to be considering such things, would be "can I trust her out of my sight?".

    So many shenanigans go on out in the world.

    Offline Yeti

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    Re: Official Trad Girlfriend Application Form
    « Reply #14 on: December 28, 2020, 05:47:37 PM »
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  • In all fairness, though, I do not recall ever knowing a traditional Catholic man who had standards anywhere close to what is described in this humor piece.
    .
    I think part of the reason it's so funny for me is because it's hard to tell exactly who is being pilloried here. It's capable of various interpretations. Is it making fun of trad women who are influenced by modern ideas? That's one possible interpretation. Is it making fun of men who want women to fulfill more traditional roles in society and in marriage? That's also possible. It kind of looks to me more like a self-parody than a parody of someone else. I'm not sure; it's sort of a Rorschach test in which everyone sees their own ideas, I think. There are multiple layers here, which I think is part of what makes it so clever.
    .
    edit: removed some stuff


     

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