The following was posted on Fisheaters by some unsung genius about a decade ago. It's the kind of joke that will never get old. If anyone was on that forum back in 2010 or 2011 and remembers who posted this, can you please say, so that they can receive the glory they deserve.
Official Trad Girlfriend Application1.
Full Legal Name: ______________________________________________2.
Ok, your real weight this time: ____5.
Eye Color: _____6.
Natural Hair Color: _______7.
Current Hair Color: _____ 8.
If the answers to questions 6 and 7 are not the same please explain how dyeing your hair does not go against the natural law: ________________________________9.
Home Phone Number: _________________10.
Cell Phone Number: ____________________11.
If you have your own cell phone please explain how you're not a feminist: _________________________________________________13.
Are you a virgin?: ____14.
If you answered "yes" to question 13, but are over the age of 16 please explain how this is possible: _________________________15A.
Are you literate?:_______15B.
If so, have you ever read a book on the Index Librorum Prohibitorum
? ______ 16.
If so, please list said books and explain why you read them: ________________17.
Did you drop out of High School?: ________________ 18.
Did you attend a SSPX affiliated high school?: ________ 19.
If you answered "no" to questions 17 and 18 please explain how you were not tainted my modernism or secular humanism: ___________________________________20.
Have you ever set foot on a college campus: ______21.
Do you have a college degree? If so, please list degree: ________________
(If you answered "yes" to either questions 20 or 21 please stop filling out this application)21A.
Are you able to hold intelligent conversation on subjects other than babies, knitting, cosmetics, and cooking?:_____________________________21B.
Do you have a well paying job. Please be sure to mention your salary: _______________ (If your salary is less than $40,000 please stop filling out this application)21C.
Do you agree that it is an abomination for women to have jobs?: ______ (If you answered "no" please stop filling out this application).22.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot are you (with 1 representing Gertrude Stein and 10 representing Megan Fox, modestly dressed of course): ____________23.
If you answered anything other than "10" please explain why I should continue to give this application serious consideration: ________________________________________24.
Do you own pants?: _________25.
Have you ever at any point in your life worn pants?: _______________ 26.
If so, please list all the occasions that you did so and give a brief explanation as to why you engaged in such unchaste behavior: ______________________________________27.
What kind of chapel do you attend (i.e. FSSP, SSPX, Independent): ___________ 28.
Is Bishop Williamson a great bishop or the greatest bishop ever?: __________________29.
Have you ever attended the Novus Ordo? If so, please list all occasions and explain why you committed this blasphemy: _________________30.
How many people are you friends with who are not Traditional Catholics: ________31.
If you answered question 30 with anything other than "0" please explain how you can still be considered a traditional Catholic: _____________31.
Does the sun revolve around the Earth?: ______________32.
How long have the dinosaurs been extinct?: _________33.
Who is responsible for the 9/11 attacks?: ________________34.
Is Ron Paul a great statesmen or the greatest statesmen ever?: __________________ 35.
Which group should we fear the most: Jews, Muslims, Freemasons, Reptilians, Feminists, or the Bilderberg group?: ________________36.
Is your name Laura?: ____________ (If you answered "yes" to question 36 please burn this application) 37.
If you answered questions 31-35 with anything other than "I don't know" please explain how you have not been tainted by education: ________________________38.
Are you able to cook a five star breakfast, lunch, and dinner everyday from the date of our marriage until the date of my death?:_______________________________39.
Will you be able to produce only 2-3 children without the use of birth control, NFP, or abstinence? _______________.40.
Is it wrong for a husband to hit his wife? _______________41.
If you answered "yes" to question 40 please explain how you're not a feminist: ______________________________42.
Do you drink? If so, how often? ____________43.
Are you okay with me getting plastered every night? _______________44.
Do you smoke? If so, how often? _____________45.
Do you have a history of mental illness?: _________________ (If you answered question 45 with "yes" please stop filling out the application unless you answered question 22 with a "10")
List the details of your past three relationships starting with the most recent. Please include start and end date and reason for ending the relationship:
Please supply references of three traditional Catholics that know you:
I hereby swear before the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost and the Blessed Virgin Mary that the information given by me in this application is true to my knowledge and I give you the authorization to verify it using any means you deem appropriate. I understand that by filling out this form and submitting it for review does not guarantee that I will be chosen.
Date: _________________ Signature: __________________
Name of witness if applicant signed with an "X": ___________________________
Name of person who filled out application if applicant is illiterate: ________________________