[Matthew]

Top Ten Caddy Comments   
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Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"

Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."

Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."

Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually."

Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy: "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence."

Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction."
Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass."

Golfer: "How do you like my game?"
Caddy: "Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf."

Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?"
Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day."

Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."

Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."
Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."

[Matthew]

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive....
so, I took her to a gas station.....

and then the fight started....

************************************************** ******************************

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept
staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby
table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend.
I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating
that long?'

And then the fight started.....

************************************************** ******************************

I rear-ended a car this morning.
So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out
of his car.

You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and things just
seem so funny? I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!'

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

And then the fight started.....

[Matthew]

While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the
beer, wine, and liquor section. One asked the other if she would like a
beer.

The second nun answered that, indeed, it would be very nice to have
one, but that she would feel uncomfortable about purchasing it.

The first nun replied that she would handle that without a
problem. She picked up a six-pack and took it to the cashier.

The cashier had a surprised look, so the nun said, "This is for
washing our hair."

Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter and
put a package of pretzel sticks in the bag with the beer.

"The curlers are on me."

[Matthew]

I recently saw a billboard sign that read:

 

NEED HELP?
CALL JESUS

1-800-405-3787

 

Out of curiosity, I did and left my name and address.

The next day a Mexican showed up with a lawnmower.

[Matthew]

3 farmers are sitting around a bar. An Irishman a Muslim and an Australian.
One of the picks up an old dusty bottle and gives it a rub and a huge Genie pops out.

"Ok gentlemen" he says "I normally give out 3 wishes to one person but seeing that there are 3 of you her you can have one wish each.

The Irishman goes first and wishes that Ireland be green for evermore.
"Done sir" says the Genie.

The Muslim wishes that there be a huge wall built around every Muslim community around the world, no one gets in, no one gets out and they can live in peace and harmony. "Done sir" says the Genie.

The Genie looks at the Ozy and says 'Ok sir, your turn, what would you like?'
The Australian thinks about it for a little while and then asks 'Tell me more about this wall you just built for the Muslims" "Well it's 5000 feet high and 5000 feet wide no one can get in and no one can get out"replies the Genie. So the Aussie says....



"Fill it with water, boss"