[Matthew]

Top Ten Caddy Comments   
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Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"

Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."

Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."

Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually."

Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy: "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence."

Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction."
Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass."

Golfer: "How do you like my game?"
Caddy: "Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf."

Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?"
Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day."

Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."

Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."
Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."

[Matthew]

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive....
so, I took her to a gas station.....

and then the fight started....

************************************************** ******************************

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept
staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby
table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend.
I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating
that long?'

And then the fight started.....

************************************************** ******************************

I rear-ended a car this morning.
So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out
of his car.

You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and things just
seem so funny? I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!'

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

And then the fight started.....

[Matthew]

While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the
beer, wine, and liquor section. One asked the other if she would like a
beer.

The second nun answered that, indeed, it would be very nice to have
one, but that she would feel uncomfortable about purchasing it.

The first nun replied that she would handle that without a
problem. She picked up a six-pack and took it to the cashier.

The cashier had a surprised look, so the nun said, "This is for
washing our hair."

Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter and
put a package of pretzel sticks in the bag with the beer.

"The curlers are on me."

[Matthew]

I recently saw a billboard sign that read:

 

NEED HELP?
CALL JESUS

1-800-405-3787

 

Out of curiosity, I did and left my name and address.

The next day a Mexican showed up with a lawnmower.

[Matthew]

3 farmers are sitting around a bar. An Irishman a Muslim and an Australian.
One of the picks up an old dusty bottle and gives it a rub and a huge Genie pops out.

"Ok gentlemen" he says "I normally give out 3 wishes to one person but seeing that there are 3 of you her you can have one wish each.

The Irishman goes first and wishes that Ireland be green for evermore.
"Done sir" says the Genie.

The Muslim wishes that there be a huge wall built around every Muslim community around the world, no one gets in, no one gets out and they can live in peace and harmony. "Done sir" says the Genie.

The Genie looks at the Ozy and says 'Ok sir, your turn, what would you like?'
The Australian thinks about it for a little while and then asks 'Tell me more about this wall you just built for the Muslims" "Well it's 5000 feet high and 5000 feet wide no one can get in and no one can get out"replies the Genie. So the Aussie says....



"Fill it with water, boss"

[Matthew]

In the South...

If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a four-wheel drive pickup truck with a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
 
 
Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store....do not buy food at this store.

 
Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later on how to use it.
 
 
Get used to hearing 'You ain't from round here, are ya?'
 
 
Don't be worried at not understanding what people are saying. They can't understand you either. The first Southern statement to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective 'big'ol,' truck or big'ol' boy. Most Northerners begin their Southern-influenced dialect this way. All of them are in denial about it.
 
 
The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.
 
 
Be advised that 'He needed killin.' is a valid legal defense here.
 
 
If you hear a Southerner exclaim, 'Hey, y'all, watch this,' you should stay out of the way. These are likely to be the last words he'll ever say.
 
 
If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest accuмulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It doesn't matter whether you need anything or not. You just have to go there.
 
 
Do not be surprised to find that 10-year olds own their own shotguns, they are proficient marksmen, and their mammas taught them how to aim.
 
 
In the South, we have found that the best way to grow a lush green lawn is to pour gravel on it and call it a driveway.

 
AND REMEMBER: If you do settle in the South and bear children, don't think we will accept them as Southerners. After all, if the cat had kittens in the oven, we wouldn't call 'em biscuits.

[Katara of Shimabara]

One day a traveling salesman was driving down the road about 30 mph when he noticed running along side the car was a three legged chicken. The salesman stepped on the gas and brought the car up to 50 but the chicken was still outpacing him when a mile down the road the chicken ran up a driveway to a farm and into the barn behind it the man just had to follow. At the farmhouse he knocked on the door and told the farmer what he had seen. The farmer said he knew about the chicken and in fact his son who a geneticist had developed this breed of bird. He said he had developed it because there were three of them and when they had chicken for supper they each wanted a drumstick. This way they only had to kill one chicken to satisfy everyone. The salesman declared,"That is the most fantastic story I've ever heard,how do they taste?"  "I don't know" replied the farmer "Never caught one"

[soulguard]

Paddy Englishman paddy Welshman paddy scots man and paddy Irish man were the only 4 passengers on an aeroplane when suddenly the pilot discovered a grave emergency.

The plane was loosing altitude and flying over a sea they had nowhere to land. The pilot explained that they needed to jettison weight to have any hope of staying in the air.

Paddy Englishman Paddy Welshman Paddy Scotsman and Paddy Irishman quickly gutted the aeroplane of all its chairs and tables and everything else they could find, and opening a door threw them out of the plane.

"That is still not enough, we need to lose a little more weight!" The pilot exclaims in panic.

A grim moment passes where the 4 paddys realize that in order for others to survive, they must leave the plane too.

Suddenly paddy Welshman steps up to the door:
"I do this for the glory of Wales" he says
And promptly jumps out of the plane to his death.

Shocked by his sacrifice they find the next words of the pilot hard to bear
"We still need to lose more weight! Someone else has to go!"

Paddy scots man steps up to the door
giving one last moving look to the others he says
"I do this for the glory of Scotland!" and jumps to his death.

Pilot: "Just one more and I think we can make it!"

Paddy Irishman and paddy Englishman are the only 2 left.

Paddy Irish man thinks for a moment and then says
"I do this for the glory of Ireland"
he then grabs paddy Englishman and throws him out of the plane.
 :cheers: :alcohol:

[soulguard]

Another joke:

"Democracy"

HAHAHAHHA

[soulguard]

JOKE

Protestant walking down the street.
Fails to see large rock.
Trips over rock.
Falls upon face hurting himself.

Nearby Catholic laughs at him.

 :furtive:

[poche]

Why didn't St Peter forgive Jesus?
 :furtive:
 :furtive:
 :kick-can:
 :kick-can:
 :smash-pc:
 :smash-pc:
 
 
 :tinfoil:
 :tinfoil:
 :geezer:
 :geezer:
 :stare:
 :stare:
 :dwarf:
 :dwarf:
 :pop:
 :pop:
 :farmer:
 :farmer:
Jesus cured his mother-in-law.  

[Frances]

From church newsletters:


The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
--------------------------
The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water."
The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
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Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
--------------------------
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
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Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
-------------- ------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
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For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
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Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
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Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
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Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
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Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person loopyou want remembered.
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The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
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Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
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This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
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Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM . All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
--------------------------
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
--------------------------
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM . The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
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Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First ####ian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
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The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."

  Caption beneath a grainy black and white photo, "Villagers watch in eager expectation as their new pastor,  Fr. Daniel,  arrives on an elephant in his cassock."

On a sign in the parking lot to Pinedale Methodist Church," Lot for Methodist vehicles only.  All others will be towed." ~Town of Leyden

On the bulletin board in the parish hall, "Will the person who removed the Acts of Contrition from the Confessionals kindly return them."