[Matthew]

The Pope in Alaska

The Pope took a couple of days off to visit the mountains of Alaska for some sight-seeing. He was cruising along the campground in the Pope Mobile when there was a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods.

A helpless Democrat, wearing sandals, shorts, a "Save the Whales" hat, and a "To Hell with Bush" T-shirt, was screaming while struggling frantically, thrashing around trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly.

As the Pope watched horrified, a group of Republican loggers came racing up. One quickly fired a .44-magnum into the bear's chest. The other two reached up and pulled the bleeding, semiconscious Democrat from the bear's grasp.

Then using long clubs, the three loggers finished off the bear and two of them threw it onto the bed of their truck while the other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.

As they prepared to leave, the Pope summoned them to come over. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions," he told them. "I heard there was a bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic Environmental activists but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true."

As the Pope drove off, one of the loggers asked his buddies "Who was that guy?"

"It was the Pope," another replied. "He's in direct contact with heaven and has access to all wisdom."

"Well," the logger said, "he may have access to all wisdom but he sure as Hell doesn't know anything about bear hunting! By the way, is the bait holding up, or do we need to go back to Massachusetts and snatch another one?"

[Matthew]

[Matthew]

DEAF WIFE

A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.
 
The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss. Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."
 
 
That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens." Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?"
 
No response.
 
So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
 
Still no response.
 
Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
 
Again he gets no response.
 
So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for dinner?" Again there is no response.
 
So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner?"
 
"Ralph, for the FIFTH  time,



CHICKEN!"

[Matthew]

A doctor, a nurse, and the CEO of an HMO were involved in a fatal three-car crash. At the gate of heaven Saint Peter asked each of them in turn what they had done while on earth to merit entrance into heaven. The doctor said, "I treated anyone who needed care without concern for their ability to pay." Saint Peter said, "Welcome to the joy of heaven!" Then he turned to the nurse who answered, "I also cared for the poor without concern for money." "You also are welcome to enter heaven" said Peter. Finally he turned to the CEO and asked, "What have you done while on earth?" "I was the president of an HMO! We provided managed access to healthcare for all our paying members." Saint Peter paused and thought about this, then responded, "You also may come into heaven -- but you can only stay for five days."

[Matthew]

DEMOCRAT
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
You push for higher taxes so the government can provide cows for everyone.

REPUBLICAN
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So?

SOCIALIST
You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

COMMUNIST
You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pours the milk down the drain.

AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses.
Your stock goes up.