"HOW TO START A FIGHT"

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a
Christmas gift...The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.  When she asked
Me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you
Last year!"

And that's how the fight started.....

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My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were
In bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'
'No,' she answered. I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started...

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I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's when the fight started.....

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My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and
She kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at
a
nearby table. I asked her, "Do you know him?" "Yes", she sighed, "He's
my old boyfriend... I understand he took to drinking right after we
split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"My Goodness," I said, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started...

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When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me
that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to
take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer, always
something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to
make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass,
busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched
silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only
a minute, and when I came out again and I handed her a toothbrush. I
said,
"When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the
Driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

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My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked,
"What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."

And then the fight started...

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Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and
slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and
proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing
50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and
discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the
house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my
wife's' back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The
weather out here is terrible. My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And,
can you believe my husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...

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My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3
Seconds." I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started......

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After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social
Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license
to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my
wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have
to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.  She said, 'That
silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my
Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the
Social Security office...She said, 'You should have dropped your pants.
You might have gotten disability, too.'

And then the fight started...

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My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not
happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I look old,
fat and ugly, I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's darn near perfect."

And then the fight started........