Further Note:
Insights Into the Nature of Heaven

•In heaven there is infinite counter space.
•In heaven puppies gnaw only on chew toys and kittens scratch only on scratching posts.
•In heaven "easy-open" containers are easily opened.
•In heaven all classes are P/NP.
•In heaven all computers have the same operating system.
•In heaven babies don't wee on you.
•In heaven the airline captains remember to turn off the fasten-seat-belt sign before all the passengers wee in their pants.
•In heaven even computers can be backed up in less than three days.
•In heaven secretaries don't schedule simultaneous meetings for you.
•In heaven there is no TSA.
•In heaven it doesn't matter what time you get to work.
•In heaven telephones are answered by real people.
•In heaven anything that itches is where you can reach it.
•In heaven babies have "off" switches.
•In heaven even idiots drive politely.
•In heaven preachers don't care about sex.
•In heaven cars never need fixing.
•In heaven clothes stay ironed.
•In heaven computers don't crash, Email does not carry viruses, printer drivers always work, and there is no spam.
•In heaven dishes and children get clean by themselves.
•In heaven dogs don't whine, bark, bite, poop, or stink.
•In heaven people who telephone have something interesting to tell you.
•In heaven everyone can spell.
•In heaven everything fits back into its box.
•In heaven nobody cuts in front of you.
•In heaven tourists never have to board a bus before the damned sun is up.
•In heaven they print the Sunday comics on the first page.
•In heaven socks sort themselves and check books balance themselves.
•In heaven wives are not bossy.
•In heaven it is easy to upgrade your computer, calculate your taxes, and program your VCR.
•In heaven teenagers speak in complete sentences.
•In heaven you can keep library books and rental videos until you are done with them.
•In heaven Microsoft gives free upgrades.
•In heaven there is no jury duty.
•In heaven closets and bookshelves always have more space.
•In heaven mosquitoes and flies bite only each other.
•In heaven postage rates never change.
•In heaven there are no middle seats.
•In heaven students write papers with elegant prose, convincing rhetoric, and interesting subject matter.
•In heaven no one is old, fat, bald, ugly, or politically correct.
•In heaven parents don't select their children's college majors.
•In heaven used books don't have underlining in them.
•In heaven they don't wash your mouth out with soap.
•In heaven free parking is always available.
•In heaven politicians don't talk unless they say something smart.
•In heaven magazines don't have cardboard reply coupons bound into them.
•In heaven post-modernists don't publish anything.
•In heaven psychotic maniacs don't drive cars.
•In heaven different invitations to dinner don't fall on the same night.
•In heaven faucets don't drip and batteries never run down.
•In heaven lobster, art books, and houses by the sea are all cheap.
•In heaven fallen food doesn't stain.
•In heaven they don't do annual performance evaluations.
•In heaven the adults are as cute as the kids.
•In heaven you always have exact change.
•In heaven there are no graffiti.
•In heaven there are no artificial fruit flavors.
•In heaven the little stuff doesn't fall to the bottom of the suitcase.
•In heaven real estate is cheap.
•In heaven credit cards don't charge interest.
•In heaven exams cover only what you have studied.
•In heaven grocery bags don't break or spill.
•In heaven good days have extra hours.
•In heaven library books are available when needed.
•In heaven rabbits, squirrels, and snails eat only weeds.
•In heaven there are no bad-hair days.
•In heaven eating cabbage doesn't give you gas.
•In heaven stupid people don't vote.
•In heaven computer programs don't bury data files in unfindable subdirectories.
•In heaven the captain eventually turns off the "fasten seat-belt" sign so passengers can use the rest room.
•In heaven there are no postmodernists.
•In heaven you never step in somebody's old bubble gum.
•In heaven bathtub showers keep a steady temperature.
•In heaven newspaper movie ads tell you what the movies are about.
•In heaven there are no trial lawyers, customs agents, pushy salesmen, tax auditors, or labor organizers.
•In heaven washing machines eat kleenex instead of socks.
•In heaven students don't wheedle to get high grades for poor work.
•In heaven new babies sleep through the night.
•In heaven nobody has zits.
•In heaven there is always a break in the traffic.
•In heaven children neither scream nor whine.
•In heaven you don't have to take off your shoes when you come indoors.
•In heaven there is no rock music.
•In heaven nobody telephones just as you are going out the door.
•In heaven there are no doomsday preachers.
•In heaven computer programs open directly instead of updating themselves first.
•In heaven winter clothes, cheap hotels, and computer programs are all bug-free.
•In heaven you can find stuff no matter where you put it.
•In heaven there are no political parties.
•In heaven nobody calls early morning meetings.
•In heaven kids don't bawl and diapers don't stink.
•In heaver there is always enough time between planes.
•In heaven old people drive just as fast as regular people.
•In heaven there is no crab grass.
•In heaven all complexions are perfect, all teeth are straight, and all breath is fresh.
•In heaven the computer boots faster than the teakettle boils.
•In heaven idiots don't park across two spaces.
•In heaven physicists don't pretend to be masters of the social sciences and humanities unless they really are.
•In heaven seniors write better than freshmen.



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