Author Topic: Hope for the utterly incompetent yet!  (Read 233 times)

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Offline SimpleMan

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Hope for the utterly incompetent yet!
« on: March 23, 2021, 01:37:59 PM »
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  • https://politics.theonion.com/congress-passes-americans-with-no-abilities-act-1819564791

    Here is also another slightly different version that, quite frankly, I found funnier:

    Proposed AMERICANS WITH NO ABILITIES ACT

    WASHINGTON, DC (AP) - Congress is considering sweeping legislation which provides new benefits for many Americans. The Americans With No Abilities Act (AWNAA) is being hailed as a major victory by advocates of the millions of Americans who lack any real skills, ambition, or work ethic.

    "Roughly 50 percent of Americans do not possess the competence and drive necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in society," said Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer and Speaker of the House Nancy Peℓσѕι, longtime AWNAA supporters. "This is why many of them voted for us. We can no longer stand by and allow People of Inability to be ridiculed and passed over. With this legislation, employers will no longer be able to grant special favors to a small group of workers, simply because they do a better job, or have some idea of what they are doing."

    President σbαmα pointed to the success of the US Postal Service, which has a long-standing policy of providing opportunity without regard to performance. Approximately 80 percent of postal employees lack job skills, making this agency the single largest US employer of Persons of Inability. Private sector industries with good records of nondiscrimination against the Inept include retail sales (72%), the airline industry (68%), and fast food restaurants (65%).

    President σbαmα has also set an example, personally selecting hundreds of Nonabled persons for top government positions, including many cabinet-level jobs. Under the Americans With No Abilities Act, more than 25 million "middle man" positions will be created, with important-sounding titles but little real responsibility, thus providing an illusory sense of purpose and performance.

    Mandatory non-performance-based raises and promotions will be given, to guarantee upward mobility for even the most unremarkable employees. The legislation provides substantial tax breaks to corporations which maintain a significant level of Persons of Inability in top positions, and gives a tax credit to small and medium businesses that agree to hire two clueless workers for every one talented hire.

    Finally, the AWNAA contains tough new measures to make it more difficult to discriminate against the Nonabled, banning discriminatory interview questions such as "Do you have any goals for the future?" or "Do you have any skills or experience which relate to this job?" and "Are you awake?"

    "As a Nonabled person, I can't be expected to keep up with people who have something going for them," said Mary Lou Gertz, who lost her position as a lug-nut twister at the GM plant in Flint, MI due to her chronic incompetence. "This new law should really help people like me."

    Once this bill is signed into law, Gertz and millions of other untalented citizens can finally see a light at the end of the tunnel. Said Mr. σbαmα, "It is our duty as national leaders to provide each and every American citizen, regardless of his or her adequacy, with some sort of space to take up in this great nation."

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    I am almost 100% confident that I shouldn't have to clarify this in a place like CathInfo, but this is 100% SATIRE and is absolutely "baseless".  The resemblance to real life is totally coincidental. 


     

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