Author Topic: Funny Stuff (Read 1171317 times)

epiphany · « **Reply #2715 on:** June 05, 2022, 12:06:57 AM »

Two guys, one old, one young, are pushing their carts around the grocery store when they collide.

The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The young guy says, "That's okay, it's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

The old guy says, "Well, maybe I can help you find her. What does she look like?"

"Well, she is 27 years old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, and is wearing a tank top with short white shorts. What does your wife look like?"

The old guy replies, "It doesn't matter, let's look for yours."

Mr G · « **Reply #2716 on:** June 06, 2022, 05:30:02 PM »

epiphany · « **Reply #2717 on:** June 07, 2022, 05:44:05 PM »

A priest buys a lawn mower at a yard sale. Back home, he pulls on the starter rope a few times with no results. He storms back to the yard sale and tells the previous owner, “I can’t get the mower to start!” “That’s because you have to curse to get it started,” says the man. “I’m a man of the cloth. I don’t even remember how to curse.” “You keep pulling on that rope, and it’ll come back to you.”

epiphany · « **Reply #2718 on:** June 07, 2022, 05:46:12 PM »

In the foyer of a church, a young boy was looking at a plaque with the names of men and women who had died in various wars. He asked the pastor, “Who are these people?” The pastor said, “Those are members from our church who died in service.” The boy asked, “The early service or the second service?”

epiphany · « **Reply #2719 on:** June 07, 2022, 05:47:45 PM »

Six-year-old Ned's mother was looking through an old family Bible when an oak leaf fell out. Ned said, "I guess that must be Adam's shorts."

epiphany · « **Reply #2720 on:** June 07, 2022, 05:59:48 PM »

En route to church to make his first confession, my nervous seven-year-old grandson asked me what he could expect.

"Confession is where you tell all the bad things you've done to the priest," I told him. He looked relieved. "Good. I haven't done anything bad to the priest."

epiphany · « **Reply #2721 on:** June 07, 2022, 06:01:11 PM »

During our priest's sermon, a large plant fell over right behind the pulpit, crashing to the ground. Acknowledging his reputation for long-windedness, he smiled sheepishly and said, "Well, that's the first time I actually put a plant to sleep."

epiphany · « **Reply #2722 on:** June 07, 2022, 06:14:54 PM »

We accompanied our son and his fiancée when they met with her priest to sign some pre-wedding ceremony papers. While filling out the form, our son read aloud a few questions. When he got to the last one, which read "Are you entering this marriage at your own will?" he looked over at his fiancée.

"Put down 'yes,' " she said.

epiphany · « **Reply #2723 on:** June 07, 2022, 06:50:33 PM »

Kevin was not an ideal child. He managed to get into mischief frequently, and was always trailed by his younger brother, Ken. Finally, at her wits' end, his long-suffering mother took him to see their parish priest. The father decided to focus Kevin's mind on higher levels.

"Kevin," he asked with great seriousness, "where is God?"

Kevin gave no reply.

"Kevin, where is God?"

Again there was silence.

For a third time the priest asked the question, and this time Kevin bolted out of the office and ran all the way home. He burst into his brother's room.

"Ken," he panted breathlessly, "Father can't find God and he thinks we had something to do with it!"

epiphany · « **Reply #2724 on:** June 07, 2022, 06:57:17 PM »

The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play. “Here’s a copy of the service,” he said impatiently. “But, you’ll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances.”
During the service, the minister paused and said, “Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up.”
At that moment, the substitute organist played “The Star Spangled Banner.”

epiphany · « **Reply #2725 on:** June 07, 2022, 06:58:47 PM »

The Big Bang Theory: God spoke, and BANG! It happened. 😀

epiphany · « **Reply #2726 on:** June 07, 2022, 07:03:32 PM »

A pastor is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach.
After watching the boys efforts for some time, the pastor moves closer to the boy’s position. He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child’s shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a solid ring.
Crouching down to the child’s level, the pastor smiles benevolently and asks, “And now what, my little man?” To which the boy replies, “Now we run!”

Nadir · « **Reply #2727 on:** June 07, 2022, 07:45:43 PM »

Quote from: epiphany on May 22, 2022, 10:10:07 AM

A 13 year old boy has difficulty with mathematics, failing in public school.

His parents were not religious but after a friend’s suggestion they felt a private Catholic school may be more effective.

His grades began to rise dramatically after this switch. Asked what has helped him so much, he answered, “When I saw xxxxxxxx I knew they meant business!”

A traditional Catholic would be aggrieved at such a "joke". I find it highly offensive. I deleted the blasphemous part.

epiphany · « **Reply #2728 on:** June 07, 2022, 08:06:09 PM »

epiphany · « **Reply #2729 on:** June 07, 2022, 08:06:53 PM »

Author Topic: Funny Stuff (Read 1171317 times)

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