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Author Topic: Funny Stuff  (Read 1223313 times)

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Offline epiphany

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Re: Funny Stuff
« Reply #2670 on: May 22, 2022, 10:10:07 AM »
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  • A 13 year old boy has difficulty with mathematics, failing in public school.

    His parents were not religious but after a friend’s suggestion they felt a private Catholic school may be more effective.


    His grades began to rise dramatically after this switch. Asked what has helped him so much, he answered, “When I saw the guy nailed to the plus sign I knew they meant business!”

    Offline epiphany

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    Re: Funny Stuff
    « Reply #2671 on: May 22, 2022, 10:25:06 AM »
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  • An Irishman moves into a tiny hamlet in County Kerry, walks into the pub and promptly orders three beers.

    The bartender raises his eyebrows, but serves the man three beers, which he drinks quietly at a table, alone.

    An hour later, the man has finished the three beers and orders three more.

    This happens yet again.

    The next evening the man again orders and drinks three beers at a time, several times. Soon the entire town is whispering about the Man Who Orders Three Beers.

    Finally, a week later, the bartender broaches the subject on behalf of the town. "I don't mean to pry, but folks around here are wondering why you always order three beers?"

    'Tis odd, isn't it?" the man replies, "You see, I have two brothers, and one went to America, and the other to Australia. We promised each other that we would always order an extra two beers whenever we drank as a way of keeping up the family bond."

    The bartender and the whole town was pleased with this answer, and soon the Man Who Orders Three Beers became a local celebrity and source of pride to the hamlet, even to the extent that out-of-towners would come to watch him drink.

    Then, one day, the man comes in and orders only two beers. The bartender pours them with a heavy heart. This continues for the rest of the evening - he orders only two beers. The word flies around town. Prayers are offered for the soul of one of the brothers.

    The next day, the bartender says to the man, "Folks around here, me first of all, want to offer condolences to you for the death of your brother. You know-the two beers and all..."

    The man ponders this for a moment, then replies, "You'll be happy to hear that my two brothers are alive and well... It's just that I, myself, have decided to give up drinking for Lent."


    Offline epiphany

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    Re: Funny Stuff
    « Reply #2672 on: May 22, 2022, 10:30:40 AM »
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  • Why can't Anglicans play chess?

    Because they can't tell a Bishop from a Queen

    Offline epiphany

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    Re: Funny Stuff
    « Reply #2673 on: May 22, 2022, 10:48:51 AM »
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  • A funeral service is being held in a chuch for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carrying the casket accidentally bump into a wall jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the women is actually alive. She lives for 10 more years and then dies. A ceremony is again held at the same church and at the end the pallbearers are again carrying the casket out. As they are walking, the husband calls out, "Watch out for the wall!"

    Offline epiphany

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    Re: Funny Stuff
    « Reply #2674 on: May 22, 2022, 10:49:53 AM »
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  •  A kindergarten teacher was walking around observing her classroom of children while they were drawing pictures. As she got to one girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
          The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
          The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
          Without looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."


    Offline epiphany

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    Re: Funny Stuff
    « Reply #2675 on: May 22, 2022, 10:51:01 AM »
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  • It was Palm Sunday but because of a sore throat, 5-year-old Johnny stayed home from church with a sitter. When the family returned home, they were carrying several palm fronds. Johnny asked them what they were for.
          "People held them over Jesus' head as he walked by," his father told him.
          "Wouldn't you know it," Johnny fumed, "the one Sunday I don't go and he shows up."

    Offline epiphany

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    Re: Funny Stuff
    « Reply #2676 on: May 22, 2022, 11:03:56 AM »
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  •  A few minutes before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
          Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"
          The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
          "Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.
          "Nope, sure ain't," said the man.
          "Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?" asked Satan.
          "Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.
          "Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical AGONY... for all eternity?" persisted Satan.
          "Yep," was the calm reply.
          "And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.
          "Nope."
          More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?"
          The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for the last 48 years."

    Offline epiphany

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    Re: Funny Stuff
    « Reply #2677 on: May 22, 2022, 11:05:34 AM »
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  • A teacher was testing the children in her Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.
          She asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?"
          "NO!" the children answered.
          "If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?"
          Again, the answer was, "NO!"
          Now she was smiling. Hey, they're getting it, she thought! "Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven?" she asked.
          Again, they all answered, "NO!"
          She was just bursting with pride for them. "Well," she continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"
          A five-year-old boy shouted out, "YOU GOTTA BE DEAD."


    Offline epiphany

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    Re: Funny Stuff
    « Reply #2678 on: May 22, 2022, 11:09:12 AM »
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  • A preacher was completing a temperance sermon. With great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river!" The congregation nodded their approval. With even greater emphasis he added, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river, too!" The people clapped and were saying "Amen." And then finally, he concluded, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river!"

          As he sat down, the song leader then stood up quite cautiously and announced, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365: "Shall We Gather at the River."

    Offline epiphany

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    Re: Funny Stuff
    « Reply #2679 on: May 22, 2022, 11:15:40 AM »
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  • How do you make God laugh? Speak of your plans

    Offline epiphany

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    Re: Funny Stuff
    « Reply #2680 on: May 22, 2022, 11:17:05 AM »
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  • A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race appear?" The mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so was all mankind made." Two days later the girl asked her father the same question. The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved." The confused girl returned to her mother and said, "Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?" The mother answered, "Well, dear, it is very simple: I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his."


    Offline epiphany

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    Re: Funny Stuff
    « Reply #2681 on: May 22, 2022, 11:25:52 AM »
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  • How does a Jєωιѕн kid verbally abuse his playmates?

    “Your Mother pays retail.”

    Offline epiphany

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    Re: Funny Stuff
    « Reply #2682 on: May 22, 2022, 11:31:21 AM »
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  • QUIPS FROM MARK TWAIN
    (Samuel Langhorne Clemens, 1835-1901)

    From www.quotationspage.com/quotes/Mark_Twain/

    If you tell the truth you won’t have to remember anything.
    Let us so live that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry.
    Do something every day that you don’t want to do; this is the golden rule for acquiring the habit of doing your duty without pain.
    In religion and politics people's beliefs and convictions are in almost every case gotten at second-hand, and without examination, from authorities who have not themselves examined the questions at issue but have taken them at second-hand from other non-examiners, whose opinions about them were not worth a brass farthing.
    It could probably be shown by facts and figures that there is no distinctly American criminal class except Congress.
    It is better to deserve honors and not have them than to have them and not to deserve them.
    The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.
    It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare.
    It is easier to stay out than get out.
    Most people are bothered by those passages of Scripture they do not understand, but the passages that bother me are those I do understand.
    Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
    My mother had a great deal of trouble with me, but I think she enjoyed it.
    Often it does seem a pity that Noah and his party did not miss the boat.
    The best way to cheer yourself is to try to cheer someone else up.
    Who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?
    The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter.
    A man who doesn't read good books has no advantage over the man who can't read them.
    It is wiser to find out than suppose.
    The right word may be effective, but no word was ever as effective as a rightly timed pause.
    The worst loneliness is not to be comfortable with yourself.
    Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest.
    Grief can take care of itself, but to get the full value of a joy you must have somebody to divide it with.
    I have been through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened.
    I have a higher and grander standard of principle than George Washington. He could not lie; I can, but I won’t.
    Man is the religious animal. He is the only religious animal. He is the only animal that has the True Religion-– several of them. He is the only animal that loves his neighbor as himself and cuts his throat, if his theology isn't straight. He has made a graveyard of the globe in trying his honest best to smooth his brother's path to happiness and heaven.
    Under certain circuмstances, profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer.
    The report of my death was an exaggeration.

    Offline epiphany

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    Re: Funny Stuff
    « Reply #2683 on: May 22, 2022, 11:36:25 AM »
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  • TOP 10 BEST THINGS TO SAY IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR DESK AT WORK:
    10. “I wasn’t sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement.”
    9. “This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to.”
    8. “Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-Out. You probably got here just in time!”
    7. “They told me at the blood bank this might happen.”
    6. “I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance.”
    5. “I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?”
    4. “Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.”
    3. “The coffee machine is broken...”
    2. “Someone must’ve put decaf in the wrong pot...”
    And the #1 best thing to say if caught sleeping at your desk:
    1. “ ... in Jesus’ name. Amen.”

    Offline epiphany

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    Re: Funny Stuff
    « Reply #2684 on: May 22, 2022, 11:38:46 AM »
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  •  (note: only veteran English-speakers will get this:)

    I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdgnieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn’t mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a word are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azmanig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tuohhgt slpeling was ipmorantt!