"Lexophile" is a word used to describe those that love using words in rather
        unique ways, such as "you can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish" or "to write with a broken pencil is pointless."
        A competition is held every year to see who can come up with the best one.
        This year's winning submission is posted at the very end.
 
 
        1. When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.
        2. A thief who stole a calendar got 12 months.
        3. When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.
        4. The batteries were given out free of charge.
        5. A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.
        6. A Will is a dead giveaway.
        7. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
        8. A boiled egg is hard to beat.
        9. When you've seen one shopping Center you've seen a mall.
        10. Police were called to a Day Care Center where a 3 year-old was resisting a rest.
        11. Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
        12. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
        13. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
        14. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.
        15. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
        16. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
        17. Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.
        And the cream of the wretched crop:
        18. Those who get too big for their pants will be exposed in the end.

You oldies might enjoy these:

Most of our generation were HOME SCHOOLED:
 
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."
 
2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
 
3. My father taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
 
4. My father taught me LOGIC.
" Because I said so, that's why."
 
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC .
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
 
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
 
7. My father taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
 
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS .
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
 
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
 
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA .
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
 
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
 
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"
 
13. My father taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out..."
 
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION .
"Stop acting like your father!"
 
15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."
 
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."
 
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING .
"You are going to get it from your father when you get home!"
 
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."
 
19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
 
20. My father taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
 
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
 
22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."
 
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
 
24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand.
 
25. My father taught me about JUSTICE .
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you !"

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                      EXAMPLE OF PROPER USE OF THE COMMA


A Panda bear, wearing a Colt .45 sidearm, came walking into the town Saloon one afternoon, sat down at the bar and ordered a sandwich.  The bartender got right to work on it.  The man sitting next to the bear couldn't help sizing him up, especially the pistol in his holster.  He'd never seen a bear wearing a gun before!  The sandwich plate arrived and the bear got right to work on it.  As he was just finishing the last bite, the customer to his right asked, "Excuse me for asking, but are you really some kind of bear?"

The bear replied, "Yes, as a matter of fact, I'm a Panda bear."  And with that he draws his gun and fires a hole right through the roof!  You could see the sunshine coming through it!  The poor man asking questions was terrorized, and the bartender was angry.

But the bear didn't miss a beat.  He quipped, "If you don't know what a Panda is, look it up in the dictionary."  He stood up, and walked out of the Saloon.  

The bartender came running over and his customer sitting there said, "Quick! Do you have a DICTIONARY?"  The bartender, a little rattled, said, "Well, sure, here it is," and putting the dictionary on the bar asked, "What's with that guy in the bear suit?  He didn't pay for his sandwich, and now I've got a hole in my roof..."  

His customer said, "Looky, in this here dictionary it says:  Panda, eats, shoots and leaves."  





(When you tell this joke, you should say the punch line, inserting pauses (...) like this:  "Panda ... eats ... comma ... shoots and leaves.")


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