Don't try to put a label on me. I was born in 1953 and saw the Vatican I church at its American zenith in the 50's. By 1965 I told God this can't be the true faith.
If you were born in '53, you'd probably not seen the Catholic Church in its zenith as modernism was already rampant at that time, especially in america.
Vatican II turned true faith into some sort of sociology course. I stopped going to mass when I was 12. When I was in desperate need of help as a kid, I was told I had a heavy cross to bear (age 7) and that my family was not worthy (age 11). I have been searching ever since for the truth.
You had a heavy cross to bear at age 7? Was it physical or spiritual? This sounds like the beginning of how many ɧoɱosɛҳųαƖs speak when they 'tell their story'... I'm most definitely not calling you that, only I can't avoid the similarities...
What was your family not worthy of?
In the 80's , Bayside tricked me back into the Catholic world. (hense my suspicion of all things Marian) .
The Catholic Church has plenty of resources for you not to have
any suspicion of true Marian apparitions.
Four months of intense bible reading delivered me to the traditional movement. 1986 Assisi came and I had to part with traditionalists. Because traditionalists did not take on Pope Paul II - that was the most damaging to my faith.
What would you liked the "Traditionalists" to have done? Do you believe you fully understand what they could and couldn't have done?
They even trashed the escape hatch SSPX. I didn 't want any part of the anti Christ facade (ptomken church). The expression whitened sepulchres (Matt 23) comes to mind. I am on my own now. I like the SSPX people and those here who are seeking the truth. For a label - how about the Catholic Church in exile. You tell me where to check in.
It sounds like you have a lack of faith and spiritual direction Classic. The Catholic Church in exile
are the traditionalists of today. If I understand your situation correctly, from the little you've written of it, then I hope and pray you can realize that the sacraments are essential to the faith when available. I don't know that you do or don't receive them, but if you don't they are available from Catholic priests today.