10 ways to control a narcissist (without him or her knowing)
Posted: 19 Jun 2021 06:20 AM PDT


Here are ten ways to manage a narcissist. 


There is someone who is making your life miserable. That's obvious because, quite frankly, you wouldn't be here if that were not true.

This person is a narcissist; a self-absorbed individual who is convinced he or she is the center of the universe and demands that others bow to their every whim.

Your narcissist manipulates everyone. It may be manipulation through pretend kindness and fake empathy, like a used car salesman or, in your case, flat-out abuse with no consideration for your well-being whatsoever. In fact, your narcissist enjoys your suffering.

How do I know that? Am I a mind reader? No. Of course not. Not in the conventional sense, anyhow. It's just that narcissists tend to follow behavioral pathways. Narcissists are so predictable that psychologists have not only labeled their behavior traits but can predict with amazing precision three main phases of narcissistic behavior. That's another video.

So how do you manage these people called narcissists?

1. First, respond to narcissistic abuse rather than react.

Know the nature of the beast. Literally. A beast. It's akin to managing a mad dog. You know it bites, so you respond accordingly. You know not to pet a mad dog. You know to keep it on a leash. You know to keep it in a cage or behind a fence. You know how to manage it based on its behavior. Granted, you can't literally leash narcissists or keep them in cages, but you can recognize and manage their narcissistic behavior.

So number one is to respond, don't react.

2. Second, posture yourself as the controller, not the controlled.

Posture yourself as the one in control. Think of yourself as the one in control. That is not the same as being overbearing and controlling. Rather, it suggests you are keenly aware of narcissist behavioral traits and are prepared to take credible action. The narcissist takes pride in being sneaky. They don't expect you to be 'sneakier.' They're in for a shock, as long you respond rather than react. This is no time for emotional outbursts on your part.

Number two, again, is to take control.

3. Third, don't take offense or display rage.

Here's why. When you show rage, disgust, disappointment, annoyance, and other emotional reactions, you are signaling. Your signal says to the narcissist that he or she has gotten to you. They have pieced your armor and are now inside your mind. The way to play tough with a narcissist is not to show toughness through rage and disgust, but to shrug it off ... but only outwardly.

Number three? Don't let them see you sweat.

4. Fourth, play with their brain by feeding their ego.

We'll do an entire video on getting inside the narcissist mind. But for now, be sure to watch our video "Never do this with a narcissist."

Narcissists tend to be addicted to their own egos. Think about it. I know an extreme narcissist who is so ego addicted he refuses to work, pay rent, pay his bills, or secure a driver's license. He can't stand to allow anyone to control him. Okay, that's an extreme example, but every narcissist wants to be in control to protect their fragile ego. Feed his or her ego. Let them think you are their staunchest supporter. Yeah. That's like a leash and they don't even know they are wearing it.

Number four: Feed the narcissist's ego.

5. Five, play with their brain by acknowledging their "brilliance."

I never met a true narcissist who wasn't convinced that he or she was the smartest person in the room. In reality, they are often so dumb they don't know they dumb. "Wow!" you may say, "How do you come up with the great ideas?" Or, "Man, you've really got a talent..."

Again, number five is: acknowledge their brilliance.

6. Six, never criticize a narcissist.

Criticism to a narcissist is like a silver cross to a vampire. They will recoil in horror.

So, never criticize a narcissist.

7. Seven, appear to validate their behavior.

Believe it or not, you can actually manipulate a manipulative person. And narcissists are great at manipulating. You can manipulate the manipulator by validating their disgusting behavior. Play the role of the flying monkey, for example. When you hear the narcissist gaslighting or smearing a victim, you can respond by saying something like, "Yeah. I see what you mean." Now, you're not actually agreeing with the narcissist. You're simply saying, "Yeah. I see your side of it."

Number seven is: Appear to validate their behavior.

8. Eight, ask for their advice

Now, you don't actually have to take your narcissist's advice, but by asking for their opinion is another way to play with their brain.

9. Nine, offer to assist.

Does you narcissist need help? Probably not; a least in their mind. Narcissists seldom need help. That's why their narcissists. They know how to do everything and don't need help from anyone, including you. So don't be surprised when you are turned down. A flip side of this is to ask your narcissist for help. They likely won't help you because, quite frankly, they're above that. Still, asking is a form of flattery that may convince their narcissist you're not a threat.

So, number nine is offer to assist.

10. Ten, presume to take interest in them.

A short sentence such as, "You know, you seem to have a personality of a millionaire," may seem silly to you but the narcissist will likely find it incredibly flattering and -- try not to laugh -- accurate. A follow-up may be, "And when you get there don't forget us little guys."

Number ten is presumed to take an interest in them.

I hope these ten ideas helped and will help in your future as you manage the narcissists in your life.

Many of these methods involve lying, or at the very least misleading.

Not that narcissists don't deserve this kind of behaviour in response, but I just don't want anybody to be encouraged to sin, no matter the insanity of their adversary.

Myself, I think I may have developed some kind of narcissism down the years. As much as I try to convince myself otherwise, I've always had the feeling that I'm far more intelligent than I am. Obviously, as I'm sure plenty of those who've argued against me on here would know, this is ridiculous. But it's a feeling I find difficult to shrug off nevertheless.

Beyond that: I never used to be vain, I promise, but rather it was actually a convincing that I was ugly that led to me becoming obsessive with my appearance. I usen't to ever think about my appearance at all, from my youngest years to my mid-teens. But once I became convinced that I looked, well, unfortunate(to say the least), and that this impacted my life severely, I began to obsess over my looks quite a bit. 

Nowadays, I'd consider myself quite a self-obsessed person altogether, which is quite an awful thing, and is also something I don't think I ever would've expected myself to become as a boy, but here I am. I don't know how well these methods work against me, but insofar as they're licit, I encourage anyone to try.

Anyway, I doubt narcissists have the best ideas as to how to deal with narcissists, but I thought I'd give my 2c.

It's not narcissistic to simply identify that you may have a gift of intellect above other people. It only becomes such when you truly believe yourself to be better than other people because you may be smarter than them. Just remember, no matter how naturally intelligent you may be, you will never be intelligent enough not to be a sinner. When you sin, just reflect on how stupid you actually are without God's grace.

The problem with narcissists is that they revel in themselves to the detriment of others, but have no actual self-awareness to keep themselves in check. In essence, it is just another way to identify the prideful man.

While lying can never be condoned as a means to an end, I'd like to think there is some way those of us, who are not narcissists (and are frequently the victims of them), can "fight back" and defuse their toxic tendencies.  It is kind of like Saul Alinsky's tactics in Rules for Radicals --- "tweaked" a little here and there to eliminate sinful aspects, they can be very effective in pushing back against those who would use them to try to destroy us.  Giving them a dose of their own medicine, as it were.  Self-defense is a natural-law right.

Every time a narcissist dies, the world becomes a better place.