I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People get out of the way much faster now.

Teach your daughter how to shoot, because a restraining order is just a piece of paper.
 
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone? That's common sense leaving your body.
 
 Why do I have to press one for English when you're just going to transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?
 

Of course I talk to myself; sometimes I need expert advice.
 

At my age "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.
 

I am a Seenager. (Senior teenager) I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 60 years later.
I don’t have to go to school or work.
I get an allowance every month.
I have my own pad.
I don’t have a curfew.
I have a driver’s license and my own car.
I have ID that gets me into bars and the whisky store.
And I don’t have acne.