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SPACE SPIDERS WILL SAVE THE EARTH!
Webs can deflect killer asteroids, says NASA

NASA insiders say they can shield Earth from doomsday asteroids meteors and comets, using gigantic "super webs" spun by huge spiders that are genetically engineered to work in the airless vacuum of space.

"The beauty of the plan lies in its simplicity," says NASA consultant Dr. Samuel Gahlt. "Instead of spending billions to develop the technology we would need to build a man-made shield around Earth, we can piggyback on a creature that nature has programmed and perfected over millions of years of evolution.

"It's a simple matter to tailor spiders to our purposes by altering their genetic makeup.

"By splicing genetic material from a large animal such as a giraffe or an elephant, we can create spiders of a size unlike anything we normally see on Earth -- spiders that easily could encircle our globe in a web big enough and strong enough to repel meteors and comets of the type that wiped out the dinosaurs 65 million years ago."

Tight-lipped NASA spokesmen declined to discuss the so-called "Spider Shield" in anything approaching detail. But one insider confirmed that Dr. Gahlt is spearheading a feasibility study that is the first step "to making it happen."

He said that unlike the smaller and less lavishly envisioned Star Wars Missile Defense System proposed by President Ronald Reagan in the 1980s, the Spider Shield is a "passive device" without any aggressive potential.

"It's important for the public to understand just what the shield will be used for," Dr. Gahlt, of Arlington, Virginia, says.

"By exercising a manual override, the Star Wars System could have been used to attack another country, not just to repel warheads that were launched at the United States.

"But the space web is harmless and couldn't be used for evil or destructive aims under any circuмstances. And just think of the benefits. If a large meteor with the destructive power to annihilate mankind were on a collision course with Earth, it would merely stick in the web or bounce off of it, continuing its journey into deep and lifeless space.

"Don't forget that spider webs, ounce for ounce, are among the strongest material on Earth."

Webs spun by genetically altered super-spiders would also be among the strongest materials in space. Both genetic and structural engineers have decided that a web strong enough to snag or repel doomsday objects like meteors and comets would have to be as thick as a fire hose -- spun by spiders 18-feet tall.

"All spiders have a great capacity for storing oxygen in their bloodstreams and it seems clear that these genetically engineered giants could live for months in space before they suffocated and died," says Dr. Gahlt.

"We could expect them to spin their webs instinctively, attaching them to satellites and space junk already in orbit."

The expert admits that the development of "Space Spiders" is at least five years away. But critics are already calling it a flawed concept.

"Everything sounds good until you think of what might happen if a couple of 18-foot spiders escape and start breeding in the wild," says one Washington critic.

"Also, how would they be transported into space and at what cost? A missile defense system would be cheaper and safer."

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SADDAM'S SECRET WEAPON OF MASS DISTRUCTION: KILLER DINOSAURS!

THE GOOD news is, U.S. intelligence agencies have finally located Saddam Hussein's weapons of mass destruction.

The bad news is they're Velociraptors -- and thousands of the bloodthirsty killer dinosaurs are already in place in America!

That's the bone-chilling warning of CIA and FBI sources, who say the power-crazed Iraqi madman pumped close to $240 billion over a decade-long period into a secret program to bring the vicious, long-extinct predators back to life and launch them as weapons against his most hated enemy, the United States.

"According to the Iraqi scientists that we've interrogated, at least 3,600 Velociraptor eggs were smuggled into North America just prior to the commencement of Operation Iraqi Freedom," says a reliable CIA source. "They're hidden in various locations in 39 of the 50 states, in places ranging from public parks to garbage dumps in suburban areas.

"At first, when this 'crazy' story started to crop up, we thought these guys had to be yanking our chains, having a little fun with the 'dumb' Americans.

"But now the eggs are beginning to hatch -- and reports are trickling in coast-to-coast about Velociraptor sightings and family pets being found torn to pieces.

"Saddam's intention was obviously to spread maximum terror, in addition to death and destruction -- and unfortunately, it looks like he's pulled it off. Our experts are telling us those things could kill half a million people before we stop them."

Ironically, the tyrannical Butcher of Baghdad got the idea for his bizarre plot to spread fear, chaos and bƖσσdshɛd in the United States from the 1993 film Jurassic Park by our nation's most beloved filmmaker -- Steven Spielberg.

"In '93, Saddam was very despondent and still smarting from his defeat by America in the first Gulf War two years earlier," the CIA source reveals. "He spent most of his time moping in front of his $20 million home theater, watching pirated videos. When he saw Jurassic Park, he was enthralled by it, our informants tell us. And he especially loved the scenes where the two American children are chased and terrorized by Velociraptors.

"According to one informant, he got a wicked gleam in his eye and told his aides, 'Wouldn't it be wonderful if we could breed some of these magnificent creatures to kill Americans? Yes, yes, I want it done!'"

Thus was born so-called Project V, the most ambitious bio-weapons program ever undertaken by a Middle Eastern government. Prehistoric Velociraptor DNA was extracted from a rare, perfectly preserved 75-million-year-old dinosaur egg found in an ice cave in 1985 and purchased from a museum. Then modern-day cloning technology was used to breed replicas of the ancient creature, using imported Nile crocodiles as surrogate moms, Iraqi scientists told interrogators.

"Saddam basically built his own sprawling Jurassic Park -- a giant underground preserve about 90 miles from Baghdad, designed to mimic the Velociraptor's natural habitat," the CIA source says. "We've received reports that Kurdish rebels, criminals and dissidents were often used as food for the creatures."

Sickeningly, evil Saddam gave his diabolical scheme to release the fast-moving carnivores in the Western Hemisphere a deadly "trial run."

"Those so-called 'chupacabras' attacks that flared up in Puerto Rico in the mid-1990s, in which thousands of dogs, cats, goats and other domesticated animals were slaughtered by a small but fierce, dinosaur-like mystery creature that walked on its hind legs, are now being attributed to Project V," an FBI insider reveals.

When reports about the breeding program first surfaced late last year, in private interviews conducted by U.N. weapons inspectors, President Bush was quick to act.

"All that talk you heard about 'weapons of mass destruction', this is what the president was really worried about," the CIA source says. "Although the Europeans disagreed, he felt we had sufficient evidence that Project V existed. That's the real reason he took us to war -- to try to shut down Project V before it was deployed."

But in April, when invading U.S. Special Forces located the vast underground lab, all the eggs were missing and only two live Velociraptors were found in Saddam's private Jurassic Park. Both were shot and killed after a wild, prolonged chase.

"We were probably too late by just a matter of weeks," the CIA source says.

Anxious to avoid national panic, the White House refuses to confirm the mind-bending story. But aides privately concede the president was "troubled" by an FBI briefing on more than 60 reported Velociraptor encounters since March.

Most alarming to Department of Homeland Security officials are claims by some turncoat Iraqi scientists that the dinosaurs have been genetically enhanced -- endowed with new traits such as rapidly accelerated growth.

"We could be dealing with weaponized Velociraptors," the FBI insider notes.

But even if the mad dictator's scientists didn't do any tinkering with the dinosaur DNA, the vicious creatures are deadly enough naturally.

"Velociraptors are actually smaller than depicted in the Spielberg film -- just about six and a half feet from nose to tail and lighter than a Great Dane," says paleontologist Dr. William Foxbury of Boston. "But they're every bit as quick, agile and ferocious as in the Hollywood film -- and even more cunning.

"Proportionally, a Velociraptor's brain is the largest of any dinosaur. It would have the capacity to stalk human prey effectively in almost any environment and to elude trackers.

"Its dagger-shaped teeth, serrated like a saw, are designed for ripping flesh and its large eyes provide excellent three-dimensional night vision, to go along with highly acute hearing and smell far superior to any human's.

"If these intelligence officials are correct and America's No. 1 enemy has actually managed to set thousands of these killing machines loose in this country, I shudder to think of the grave harm they could inflict on innocent civilians."

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'SCREAMING HOUSEPLANT SAVED MY LIFE!'


MIKE FOSTER

LONDON -- You may soon be trading in your loyal watchdog for a loyal watchplant. Botanists are now breeding plants to stand guard in homes and let out a piercing screech when intruders try to burst in!

The new approach was inspired by scores of cases over the past decade in which plants known as Angel's Trumpets have saved their owners from home invaders, burglars and even fires -- by "shrieking."

"Contrary to popular belief, houseplants are not mindless inanimate objects.

"They have a very complex internal system, as we've known for years from studies that prove that speaking to them enhances their growth," explains Dr. Royce Bennett, a London botanist at the forefront of the new research.

"They can be loving and fiercely loyal to their owners and, in rare cases, exhibit an uncanny ability to alert humans to danger. All we're doing is taking that natural ability and enhancing it through selective breeding."

Unlike a dog, a plant won't be out chasing squirrels when a crisis occurs.

"It sits there in one place, unobtrusively," the expert points out. "An intruder may defeat your burglar alarm and poison your watchdog, but he will probably ignore even a large plant in the corner of your living room."

Some of the intriguing cases from around the world, cited by the expert:

In 1992, a 75-year-old spinster reported to Los Angeles police that her Angel's Trumpet had let out a loud shriek when two masked burglars broke into her home, as Weekly World News reported at the time.

The panicked intruders "jumped out the window and ran like the dickens to get away," the senior said. Scientists called the case baffling.

In 1997, the five-member Ostergard family in Goteborg, Sweden, escaped from a raging house fire after their Angel's Trumpet startled them out of their sleep with its weird, scream-like alarm.

In October 2001, a 26-year-old Houston woman was being attacked in her apartment by a vicious sex creep who had taped her mouth and bound her hands. Miraculously, her Angel's Trumpet let out a high-pitched wail that alerted next-door neighbors and quickly brought rescuers to her aid.

Dr. Bennett admits it's "exceedingly rare" for an ordinary Angel's Trumpet to make even a peep. His team is specifically breeding a selection of the species for enhanced sound-making capabilities, and those plants will be a surer bet to save your skin.

The Angel's Trumpet watchplants could be available commercially by early next year, he says.