I am suffering, I am going through a seriously troubled moment of my life, asking God to help me through and you for a suggestion/advice.
I will try to make a long story short.
I have had 10 year long relationship with a man who was unwilling to commit, who had cheated on me several times with different women, an emotionally abusive man, insecure, with serious depression issues .. and only 3 months ago I happened to discover he has been having a parallel relationship with another woman. We never lived together, because he did not want me to live with him, even when I quit my life in my country, to move to his country (where he moved 5 years after we began dating). After this last discover I decided to quit it, to stop being with him. I am not willing to be him, in this relationship, I am just tired of all the lies, of all the waiting, all the pain, tears, shame, etc. He is now, "finally" and more than ever ready to commit, he realizes all his mistakes, he says to be regretful of all the pain; he only now realizes how great of a woman I am, the only one he wants and the only one he cannot live without. i have given him THOUSANDS of chances throughout these years, I have helped him through his depressed moments, his painful days, I managed to get his closer to God, go to Church, listened to him, talked to him, ALWAYS been there for him, I forgave his other "adventures" and constantly hoped he would change and that my love was stronger than all this. BUT I just cannot anymore, I just can't believe him, can't trust him anymore, I feel so lost. I feel sad and very very lost. A piece of my "stupid" heart still hopes for a real, drastic change, as he says it is...but my mind says "no,no" my heart still crying but I can't help it but feeling sad when I hear him crying on the phone, he is desperate, he says he will not give up on me, he can't live without etc. My family, friends, even people that know him very poorly, they all say "He will never change. It is his nature and He does not love me". He does not say he loves me, he does not even say he wants to marry me or anything, he wants another last chance to try it for real, because he says "I did not try it for real and you deserve all". I am scared, what if we try, one more time, and it does not work, I will go mentally insane I am sure. I am suffering a lot. I asked him to stop contacting me, calling me, texting me I even told him "I forgave you, I swear, but I don't want to be with you anymore, I want to be left alone". He does not stop. What I am going through is a hell for me. I feel guilty for what he is going through right now, I would like to always see him happy and healthy and see him like this, knowing I am the ultimate reason for it, it kills me. What am I doing? Am I a bad person? Am I not acknowledging God? How must I acknowledge God?Can a man (40 years old) truly wake up one day, accept his mistakes and change for real, see a light through the tunnel and decide to be a better man? Should I believe him? I am so confused, lost, afraid, I am very afraid. I don't know what to do. Please advice if you can, I would greatly appreciate it. Thanks from the bottom of my heart, in advance.