Author Topic: Very lost, please help (Read 1967 times)

monnatale · « **on:** July 18, 2013, 04:23:27 AM »

I am suffering, I am going through a seriously troubled moment of my life, asking God to help me through and you for a suggestion/advice.
I will try to make a long story short.
I have had 10 year long relationship with a man who was unwilling to commit, who had cheated on me several times with different women, an emotionally abusive man, insecure, with serious depression issues .. and only 3 months ago I happened to discover he has been having a parallel relationship with another woman. We never lived together, because he did not want me to live with him, even when I quit my life in my country, to move to his country (where he moved 5 years after we began dating). After this last discover I decided to quit it, to stop being with him. I am not willing to be him, in this relationship, I am just tired of all the lies, of all the waiting, all the pain, tears, shame, etc. He is now, "finally" and more than ever ready to commit, he realizes all his mistakes, he says to be regretful of all the pain; he only now realizes how great of a woman I am, the only one he wants and the only one he cannot live without. i have given him THOUSANDS of chances throughout these years, I have helped him through his depressed moments, his painful days, I managed to get his closer to God, go to Church, listened to him, talked to him, ALWAYS been there for him, I forgave his other "adventures" and constantly hoped he would change and that my love was stronger than all this. BUT I just cannot anymore, I just can't believe him, can't trust him anymore, I feel so lost. I feel sad and very very lost. A piece of my "stupid" heart still hopes for a real, drastic change, as he says it is...but my mind says "no,no" my heart still crying but I can't help it but feeling sad when I hear him crying on the phone, he is desperate, he says he will not give up on me, he can't live without etc. My family, friends, even people that know him very poorly, they all say "He will never change. It is his nature and He does not love me". He does not say he loves me, he does not even say he wants to marry me or anything, he wants another last chance to try it for real, because he says "I did not try it for real and you deserve all". I am scared, what if we try, one more time, and it does not work, I will go mentally insane I am sure. I am suffering a lot. I asked him to stop contacting me, calling me, texting me I even told him "I forgave you, I swear, but I don't want to be with you anymore, I want to be left alone". He does not stop. What I am going through is a hell for me. I feel guilty for what he is going through right now, I would like to always see him happy and healthy and see him like this, knowing I am the ultimate reason for it, it kills me. What am I doing? Am I a bad person? Am I not acknowledging God? How must I acknowledge God?Can a man (40 years old) truly wake up one day, accept his mistakes and change for real, see a light through the tunnel and decide to be a better man? Should I believe him? I am so confused, lost, afraid, I am very afraid. I don't know what to do. Please advice if you can, I would greatly appreciate it. Thanks from the bottom of my heart, in advance.

Tiffany · « **Reply #1 on:** July 18, 2013, 04:49:34 AM »

I asked him to stop contacting me, calling me, texting me I even told him "I forgave you, I swear, but I don't want to be with you anymore, I want to be left alone". He does not stop. You need to contact law enforcement.

but feeling sad when I hear him crying on the phone, he is desperate, he says he will not give up on me, he can't live without etc. He is saying this because he knows how it makes it hard for you to walk away.

Find a traditional priest and go to confession if you haven't done so. If necessary change your phone number and online contact information.

poche · « **Reply #2 on:** July 18, 2013, 05:38:12 AM »

You are better off without this guy.

Mithrandylan · « **Reply #3 on:** July 18, 2013, 07:25:59 AM »

This is a troll. Probably isn't even human. We've had quite the influx of them lately.

Immaculata001 · « **Reply #4 on:** July 18, 2013, 10:05:00 AM »

Your spiritual state isn't about your relationship.

It seems that you're looking for a relationship to heal you and offer fulfillment -- a lot of women have been were you are because this is what society tells us to do.

No man can offer fulfillment and peace of mind; only God can do that.

IMO, the best thing to do is ask for the intercession of the Virgin Mary. I use the Miraculous medal novena; I also wear one and give them out. Ask her to help you with your pain and loneliness and beg God for the strength not to speak to him at all. Ask her for the relationship that God intends for you and ask her to help you grow in virtue.

This novena ALWAYS works for me. I have more peace of mind and reliance on God than I have ever had in my life. My difficulties have been taken away and I don't live with fear.

You may want to consecrate yourself to the BVM as well. God intends something much better for us than we intend for ourselves!

Viva Cristo Rey · « **Reply #5 on:** July 18, 2013, 11:29:45 AM »

Take my advice. Once a cheat always a cheat. It is blessing that you arent married to him. He is going back to you because the other woman probably dumped him. This man used and abused you for ten years. Get away from him. This man is not for you.

God has other plans for you. Yes some gave good advice. Go to confession. Talk to a priest. Go to Mass. Pray the Rosary.

Viva Cristo Rey · « **Reply #6 on:** July 18, 2013, 11:45:57 AM »

I agree with Tiffany ...you should have zero contact with him and contact law enforcement

Maybe you should move back to your home country to be around family and friends to help you. Go to Confession. Go to mass and pray to God And our blessed Mother.

1st Mansion Tenant · « **Reply #7 on:** July 18, 2013, 12:07:58 PM »

I do not mean to be uncharitable. It sounds like you have wasted 10 precious years of your life on a louse, and allowed it to interfere with your relationship to Christ. You are not going to get that time back, and if you carry on in this way, it is like feeding money into a rigged slot-machine that is never going to pay out more than a few coins at a time in order to keep you shelling out. If you put Christ first, then you will realize how valuable you are as a soul, and will be able to see that it is wrong to let something Christ so values be a doormat for some cad. Even if you were to end up leading an unmarried but Catholic life till you die, you would be better off than carrying on like this. Devote yourself to the Mass, prayer for priests, devotion to Our Lady, and Christ will wipe away your tears and after awhile you will wonder what ever 'possessed' you in the first place to go along with such foolishness. Again, I say this in charity, hoping you will see that things can get better.

Ursus · « **Reply #8 on:** July 18, 2013, 12:13:00 PM »

Quote from: 1st Mansion Tenant

I do not mean to be uncharitable. It sounds like you have wasted 10 precious years of your life on a louse, and allowed it to interfere with your relationship to Christ. You are not going to get that time back, and if you carry on in this way, it is like feeding money into a rigged slot-machine that is never going to pay out more than a few coins at a time in order to keep you shelling out. If you put Christ first, then you will realize how valuable you are as a soul, and will be able to see that it is wrong to let something Christ so values be a doormat for some cad. Even if you were to end up leading an unmarried but Catholic life till you die, you would be better off than carrying on like this. Devote yourself to the Mass, prayer for priests, devotion to Our Lady, and Christ will wipe away your tears and after awhile you will wonder what ever 'possessed' you in the first place to go along with such foolishness. Again, I say this in charity, hoping you will see that things can get better.

Good point. Another good reason to keep courting a mate no longer than a year. Why waste youth pinning over people who are bad for you?

Instead of worrying and trying to fix broken people in relationships people should be working of improving their relationship with Christ, improving themselves and strengthen positive relationships in their own lives.

I've seen way to many woman push away good friends, loving families to go off and waste their lives and sin in "relationships."

Capt McQuigg · « **Reply #9 on:** July 18, 2013, 12:13:51 PM »

Ten year long relationship without a wedding ring?

I think the OP should consult a Traditional Catholic Priest and arrange a General Confession. It's certain that pre-marital activities were involved in this long term affair and all of it is not only sordid but offensive to Our Lady and Our Lord. Women who carry on these long range lustfests are equally guilty of sin so please do an examination of conscience.

If the OP is not a troll just posting for entertainment purposes, then I do hope she seeks out the Traditional Priest. It's only too late when you're dead.

For a first post, it's a doozy!

1st Mansion Tenant · « **Reply #10 on:** July 18, 2013, 12:26:59 PM »

Ok, so looking over my previous post, I see that it sounds judgemental and maybe hypocritical. So I want to say that in my youth I had one of those crazed relationships that at the time I thought was love, but that later I realized was just that- crazed. I was absolutely suicidal in my anguish. Finally, desperate , I bought a novena candle and did a 9 day novena begging God to either fix the situation so we could live happily ever after, or make it so that I didn't care anymore. ( Of course I thought that last option was totally out of the question. I even fasted with only water for the duration that the candle burned to show my sincerity.Did you know that a nine day novena candle can burn for 13 1/2 days?) God answered my prayer. Years later I came to understand what love really is.

monnatale · « **Reply #11 on:** July 18, 2013, 02:24:45 PM »

I am not a troll

To all of you, who answered me so far, I want to thank YOU so much for taking the time and share with me your thoughts, opinions.

I am Catholic and STRONGLY doubted myself throughout these years, because I was, maybe too late, realizing I was putting this man above everyone else, even before OUR HOLY LORD.. and this is MY FIRST SIN. I am not perfect, I was 23 when I met him, I was blindly in love, and does not want to be an excuse. I have had 1 other relationship before, but it was just a fresh high school flirt and then we just grew apart and remained good friends. This man instead, He was my real first love, and I even made the huge mistake to give myself to him completely because I thought he was the one. My biggest mistake was to believe that help him through depression and life problems, forgive his cheating, let sad and abusive behaviors pass, .. I thought I was doing it all right in the name of mercy and clemency .. I was doing what Jesus taught us......without realizing that I WAS NOT DOING IT...I was not following my God but only a man

Please listen, he is not an evil man, he is a troubled, problematic man, who has had a difficult childhood and commitment issues. He is, at first sight, a kind, educated, gentleman who, unfortunately, does not know how to emotionally treat women (at least me) as it's supposed to be. He is not violent but his words and behaviors can hurt more than slaps sometimes. I pray for him to grow into a better MAN, real man, close to God and proud of becoming a good husband and father one day. I pray for this, not for him to be back to me and Love me finally, I pray that he finds his peace, his path and happiness.

Unfortunately I am a human being and as everyone, I make mistakes but I am more than ready to repent from them and grow as a better person, closer to my God and the people who truly have shown love to me since day 1.

I admit, this relationship, this feeling, was almost a drug, an obsession, I was so into making it work out, being the right girl for him, doing all the things he wanted me to that I was losing myself....in the try to win his heart ;( And there is NO SADDEST THING i am now realizing.

I have waited too long maybe, but it's never too late to hope for a brighter and more blessed future.

I pray Our Lord and Our Virgin Mary every single day, I ask for forgiveness and peace, I ask for strength..and I know they hear me.

You guys have been very kind to me, Your direct and clear words touch my heart and hit my brain - helping me a lot, for this I thank you, all of you, for doing this to me, I need some external point of view.

Yes I will go see a Priest soon, I will continue go to Mass (I always do) and try mybest to be a stronger woman, find my pride and dignity again and live a more healthy life closer to our Lord.

Thanks again everyone.

monnatale · « **Reply #12 on:** July 18, 2013, 02:44:44 PM »

Mithrandylan

Unfortunately my post seemed a troll to you, and maybe to many others who read it, but when someone is so far from your mentality or the way you would react to specific circuмstances, it does not mean it's fake or does not exist .. it just means it's a different person than you, who is going through different situations and maybe, although sounds "doozy", came here because needed some help, some support, some different point of view to help her through this tough moment of her life.
Please do not jump to conclusions too easy, life can be a mess sometimes.

Thanks anyway for trying.

Mithrandylan · « **Reply #13 on:** July 18, 2013, 04:46:22 PM »

Monntale,

I suspected you to be fake for a few reasons:

1) The OP was your first post, and was made literally two minutes after you joined.

2) Typically people will create an account and lurk before making a post, especially one which gives so much personal information

3) It is generally suspicious that someone would create an account on any forum and immediately post a thread asking for advice on an issue that has plagued them for ten years and is very personal in nature. I would say the same thing if someone created an account on here and then immediately posted about being frustrated with bi-polar.

4) Your OP was missing words and poorly composed. I know in the OP you admitted to at least being new to 'this' (presumably English speaking) country so one might be inclined to chalk up the multiple errors to that, but it seems that something so important would demand you taking more time to formulate your thoughts, as you have done in your subsequent posts.

5) The idea of being in an on again off again ten year relationship with no obvious plans for marriage is suspicious. I know that this is the way of the world, but you are a Catholic-- and even if you weren't, many/most users on this site would see that as a pretty serious red flag. That is not to be well received.

All of this being said, I apologize for mischaracterizing you, though at the same time I think the concerns are justified. We live in an age of impostors, internet shills and scam artists. It wouldn't be the first time that someone just 'showed up' creating a story for people to empathize with as a way to exercise their sociopathic tendencies. I'm sure you can understand that from where I'm standing, and from where many others are standing, that this entire occurrence is very unusual.

Good advice has been offered on this thread for anyone who has these problems. Probably better to move on and execute your plans.

God bless.

Napoli · « **Reply #14 on:** July 18, 2013, 04:58:14 PM »

Good advice Mith.

I share his sentiments.

If this problem is as big as it seems, getting help from this forum is a mistake.

Talk to your priest. Go to confession. Repent.