This is the amended version that I tried to post after the cement dried:
The only poster I've seen in my limited time here who is predatory and IMO a danger to others has been PW
A person can only hear such comments about themselves so many times before they start to internalize it. Words hurt.
I've had a lot of difficulty lately excepting some of the spiritual truths of tradition. Social issues I'm confident on, but everything else I just feel numb over.
I've tried and tried...I've read and read. I still don't wake up and feel strongly about the things I should. I have little conviction about why the N.O. mass is wrong. I believe it is wrong, for all the reasons given to me here, but I absolutely could not talk to someone today, relay what I've been taught, and convince them of anything beyond "the TLM is a more beautiful mass."
For some reason I just can't feel as strongly as I should about the things that are imperative to being Traditional.
It has been made clear to me that willingness (and even strong desire) to be a submissive helpmate, and have a big family are nothing more than desired characteristics of women who are already religiously Traditional.
My understanding now is that you can be a Traditional woman because you would never dream of attending the N.O. mass. Because you have an interior life that is strong. You could still even have feminist tendencies, but that's okay because it is secondary to an understanding of the mass. This makes someone traditional. My beliefs only make me a "conservative Catholic" or something. Not traditional. I only have the secondary (less important things) down.
I know that many people have noticed that I post ten times more about my clothing issues than anything about the mass. There are two reasons.
1.). I have significant pressure from a few welling meaning posters (from opposite ends of the trad spectrum) to attend/not attend mass in certain places. When I talk about these issues in posts, I receive insistent pm's from both sides. This why I just don't bother.
2.) I have serious, deep vanity issues and, as CatherineofSienna mentioned (and I rejected) I have developed scruples over modest dress. To the point of panic attack symptoms and insomnia. Over skirts.
I've gone from wearing immodest dress with such great confidence that I will forever be haunted by the permanence of digital photography, to being severely self conscious and anxious... as if I wish I could dress away the past. My obsession over, and my changes in dress have caused accusations BOTH here and in real life of being attention seeking. It's not a good sign when you begin to question your own sincerity, and start to wonder if you should just give up.
I was asked this question that is pretty much the final straw for me. I was asked if I could see into the future, and I knew for certain that being Traditional would mean I never got married, would I continue to pursue tradition, or would I give it up because I want marriage so badly?
The fact that I had to pause and think about it, proves my very shallow understanding, and I suppose lack of authenticity when it comes to Traditional Catholicism. I'm just not ready. Being domestic and an anti-feminist, wanting lots of babies and complementing it all with a daily rosary just isn't enough.
I believe God directed me here, but now I can't feel him at all. It's arrested development and spiritual emptiness. Posting here all the time is perhaps just a way to combat loneliness and pretend my personal life isn't a complete disaster. I can't tell if it's good or bad to keep isolating myself. I want to avoid sin, but I think my loneliness is hurting me mentally.
To be accused of being a danger to this board is very, very hurtful. It is just a word that seems ridiculous applied to myself. I've never been described that way.
But the truth is, maybe I am not good for this board. Maybe my presence is problematic. From the very first thread I posted on, I worried I seemed disingenuous. Three months later it is STILL a problem. I have to really pray about why that is.
And no, it isn't for silly reasons like inability of some to believe that I'm a domestic manic who hand washes laundry and bakes bread. If I could pray as successfully as I multitask housework, I'd be in great shape.
It is my spiritual problems and lack of marital experience that make me "dangerous" --or unsuitable for posting about things here. I have to accept that.
I came here to learn the faith, but I feel darker and more confused than I have in a long time. I'm not certain why that is, but maybe it was the result of missing an opportunity. I was presented with a place to learn the truth, and instead of doing that, I've just upset people, more than anything. I have to stop just wishing for a husband who tells me where to go to mass, and how to dress etc. I need to have conviction on my own, and not be so weak and pitiful.
So many here have tried to help me. Despite my fear that this was an overall failure of an experience, there were people who made an impact on me. If I've learned anything at all, it is that there is so much more to a person than what meets the eye. We each bear a cross that influences our opinions and how words come out...but it isn't the whole story. I'll never forget how it was I found this board.
Thank you to everyone who has tried to help me. I'm sorry to those who I annoyed or made believe I came here with evil intentions. Christ knows that I did not.
I really do have to break my addiction here and figure out my life...before I really do hurt someone with my ambivalence.
Please keep me in my prayers. In the past couple of days I've been forced to come to terms with some very serious issues that I've been in a state of denial over. Things that will seriously impact my life. I have a lot of financial problems, an issue with my daughter's father that I need to come to terms with, and a family who honestly believes I've gone insane as a religious fanatic and that I need professional help.
I could really use your prayers...even if you are someone who thinks I'm a predator. I know God knows I'm a good person, but just very troubled.
Please pray that the Lord will give me the strength to do what is right as a Catholic, out of personal conviction, not just going through the motions because I'm addicted to a forum that makes me feel that I'm held accountable. I have to do this alone, and be held accountable to God. Please pray I will still someday find the fullness of truth in Tradition, and that I'll be stronger, so that my dedication to it won't be dependent on other things.
God Bless all of you for putting up with me. I'm very grateful to have found CathInfo and I know I will miss it.
In Christ,
PW
I have noticed many people think they know fellow-posters better than than they know themselves and like to hurl uncharitable accusations even though they have no idea what they are talking about. I talked to a friend today that was excited about tradition but has been treated in an unCatholic way by traditional clergy and lay-people. Consistently. Words hurt. "You" (in general not PW) should not call people names or accuse them of things just because you do not like what they say. It really hurts people. Either try to charitably correct them or shut up, those are the only two Catholic choices on forums. Very sad.
Here is what the person I mentioned above said to me [I will protect the guilty here as will be seen]:
Thanks for the inquiry, but no I have not moved forward toward trying to have a priest visit locally, and unfortunately I've felt more like each of the other instances of seed which fell on stoney ground, in the wayside, etc., than that of the seed that;
"fell upon good ground; and brought forth fruit that grew up, and increased and yielded, one thirty, another sixty, and another a hundred fold."
In other words, I've been anything but either diligent or successful. Frankly, my progression in Traditionalist Catholicism is in the weeds. There's just too much blood and carnage, I've lost heart to further pursue it. It's such hostile territory, I really don't see how there's much energy left within the movement to "reach the lost," when so much is being directed at aggression toward others within the movement. It seems each time I speak with someone from one group or another, they're warning me about the "others."
Years ago when we began investigating what we didn't then know was the "new religion," I told many friends that investigating Roman Catholicism was like being parachuted into a war zone.
Then, upon discovering Traditionalist Catholicism, it seemed to promise so much more. I was so heartened at the prospect and promise which [Some traditional Church] seemed to have. At last a refuge from all of the strife and a safe harbor where finally [Someone] and I would feel comfortable being brought into the fullness of the Faith.
You remember at least as much as we shared and you remember from the debacle over, of all things, sharing recordings of the sermons with others at no cost and with me footing the bill. I honestly thought it was supportive to both [Some Church] and to the Traditionalist movement as a whole which would be greeted with welcome thanks for all of the hard work and effort which [So and so] and I had put into it.
However, when it became obvious that I'd been the victim of calumny and scandalized behind my back, even unbeknownst to me with a large part of the parishioners there, it was sickening to say the least, and a betrayal which totally blindsided both me and [Someone]- she simply refused to go back for more abuse, though I tried to tough it out for a while.
Still, it's not exactly supportive to worship for one to know that they're held in derision by those with whom there should otherwise be bonds of love. Both of the women, who never "asked" anything but rather already had their minds firmly set, actually told me that they "knew what I was up to and that I was trying to bring down [some aspect of the traditional movement]. Bring down [some aspect of the traditional movement]??? What??? I can think of nothing more absurd, but apparently that was the group-think there with regard to yours truly. Finally when two women-parishioners separately and on two different Sundays chewed me out with terms which would literally have brought me to blows had it been a man, I concluded that if this is the purity of Christianity," then I've been chasing an empty dream, which, of course isn't the case, but still the quest continues with no firm resolve in sight.
With all of that as an all too verbose of a prologue, the goal is not at all supplanted and it remains obvious, at least to this mere mortal, that the I-81 Corridor from Greencastle, PA on down to Winchester, basically comprising the convergence of Commerce resultant from the I-81 intersection with I-70 as well as those lesser junctions such as those at Route 30 to the north and those to the south at Martinsburg and Winchester are ripe, and an ideal location for a Traditionalist parish.
Still, there are so many pitfalls and hurtles which would need to be overcome, and frankly, I don't see me as the person to bring that into being. Not enough that there would be both Masonic and Novus Ordo Diocesan intrigue to deal with, the Traditionalist zealots would probably be worse, as the Jєωιѕн mother's prayer goes, "it's not enough God that we have our enemies, but you've also allowed our friends to torment us also!!!"
Frankly, it's been like a game of ping-pong bouncing from each traditionalist group's round-robin lambasting of other Traditionalists as schismatics, heretics and ɧoɱosɛҳųαƖs, seemingly every time I've made an inquiry. Such a mess. So, where's the purity of the faith and any semblance of "the Church???
Sorry for the sour grapes, but I always say it like I see it.
I sincerely hope things are going more cheery there on your end. I really dread that there could be yet another disappointment for us in another parish like that at [Some Church], or to think of all of the rancor which could arise if we tried to start a parish here.
Again, I was so totally blindsided by the betrayal at [Some Church], I will likely always be like the child once burned fearing fire; or once bitten always dreading encounters with dogs. Father [So and so] never even called me once, while spreading all of the "information," such as it was among the parishioners who either attached me openly, out of "christian duty," of course, or gave a cold shoulder. Did he not care a tinker's damn for my soul??? No, it's obvious that he didn't. However, what was so all-fired important was that we must keep those sermons from being recorded and passed around at no charge. Barf. It's so stupidly disgusting that it still makes my head hurt.
Again, I hope things are going better there on that end. [Something personal.] I was recently speaking with a traditionalist woman I met on a trip whom I'd never met, and I'm sure you do not know either, and she lamented that it seems the proclivity or the psychological makeup of "Trads," as she called Traditionalist Catholics, that they (or we) had to be of necessity strong willed and head strong to have ever persevered come to the point of "bucking the system" to ever even be in the Traditionalist movement. Ever looking for tables to upset near the temple, the sermon on the mount just loses its glitter in comparison to a good fight.
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My Response:
These are the end times, when Christ comes again will he find faith? Barely. But what about charity. Nope. I remember when that issue first hit, I told you not to be scandalized, the Faith is what not matters, not the uncharitable people that claim to have it. The sum is greater than the parts, the human element of the Church has never been pretty, but now it is worse than ever since we have been without a Pope for so long. It is a trick of the Devil to bring you down with him, to get caught up in venom and miss the Faith. Just hold fast and do the right thing.
Have you become a formal member yet?
When you get sanctifying grace in your soul you might be able to deal with the sad realities a little better. Perhaps a lot better. God, because of your struggle may flood you with consolations.
The CMRI does not have any of the nonesense you have encountered or dealt with anywhere else. Their clergy, believe or not, are just concerned about saving souls. How novel, there must be something wrong with them.
My wife and I can commiserate with you regarding [various things], we are not liked and they let us know it. We have to rise above it. It is an opportunity to merit and knock some time off of Purgatory.
Remember Father [So and So] would not even [do something vital for the salvation of a soul] because of his nonesense. It is quite easy to be scandalized. My wife was. I wasn't because I already knew what he was about. I took a calculated risk but had a back-up plan. I just try to hold the faith and give the clergy the opportunity to do the right thing every once in a while and offer the persecution to God through our Lady.
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STOP THE NAME CALLING AND ACCUSATIONS, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD! AND PEOPLE WHO JUST GIVE A THUMBS DOWN JUST TO BE MEAN AND HURTFUL WILL HAVE TO ANSWER AS WELL.
Yes, you will find pettiness at its finest among traditionalists, on this forum and other forums and in Church's and among "friends" and some clergy. But the uncharitable bloggers are the ones we notice because they like to blab their mouths and lie. There are many who do not engage in this offense against God and man. We only notice the ones that do.
Take heart. Much human opinion ain't worth the cyber space it is written on.
I know a lady who was rebuked by an SSPX Priest for dressing too modestly. She went through this transition and thought she was on the right track (she was) and was rebuked by this Priest at a picnic. The lady is my wife. Thanks be to God she stayed on the right path.
If you give your entire will to God, do what He wants, dress modestly, he will give you everything you desire including marriage.
This happened to me. I said "God I'll do anything you want, but I have to get married." When I finally said, God, I'll do whatever you want PERIOD, Miraculous things happened. I was married with a child in a new house in less than 13 months. Give your ENTIRE will to God. He can't be outdone in generosity.
Topic: Thank you and goodbye (Read 53272 times)