I am writing to you on behalf of my cousin, Lackawanna Mbusi, who was until recently the valet de chambre of the now deposed emperor of Nigeria. Mr. Mbusi was a good and faithful servant to the emperor, and he cried like a baby when the members of the new People’s Revolutionary Government of Nigeria chopped the emperor up into several dozen pieces and simmered him in a stewpot over a low flame for seventy-two hours. (I have heard that a bit more salt and a few sprigs of fennel would have improved the stew’s taste.)
As it happens, my cousin is a frugal man, and in the years he served the emperor, he managed to save a bit for his retirement. After an unsuccessful revolution in the late nineties, Lackawanna thought it advisable to use a pseudonym at his bank. What a wise decision! Though all of his private assets were seized or destroyed by the new government (even his precious models of all the Star Trek ships with signed certificates of authenticity from Gene Roddenberry), his savings remain intact, thank heaven, albeit inaccessible at the moment. Lackawanna managed to escape from Nigeria (he’s now living in a small, secluded hotel in Cap d’Antibes), but his modest savings remain at the Amalgamated People’s Bank of Lagos.
This is where you can be of enormous assistance to us, Mr. Petertherock—and incidentally to yourself, too. A dear friend has told me of your spiritual and material generosity and your unimpeachable integrity, and that is why I am turning to you now. My cousin and I have been looking for such a man as you to help him out by arranging for a wire transfer of his savings—which amount to 48.9 million US dollars—to an American bank. Lackawanna has told me that he would consider it an honor to transfer $12 million of that amount to you as a small token of his appreciation for your help if that bank were to be yours.
I know that you must be a very busy man, dear friend; a man with many calls upon his time and purse. So perhaps I could help both you and my cousin by handling the transfer for you. All you need do is e-mail me your bank account number, your bank’s ASA number, and your own social security number, and I shall handle all the paperwork that the transfer arrangements will require. I can assure you that within three business days of the arrangement of the wire transfer, the division of the funds can be accomplished. Lackawanna has also told me that he would hate to see you burdened with paying taxes on the part of the $48.9 million going back to him, and so he wants to offer you an additional $1.5 million to cover those taxes and fees. Indeed, my cousin's inherent goodness and generosity rival your own, Mr. Petertherock!
Do reply to this letter as soon as you can, my dear friend. I eagerly look forward to hearing from you.
Very truly yours,
Nunavut Kalevala Johnson
83 Heroic People’s Drive