Where to even start?

I come from an alcoholic father who has physically and emotionally abused my mother (mostly emotional, verbal abuse, years of disrespect).  My mother is codependent, narcissistic, critical, angry, and depressed.  At least around me.  She has spent years viewing me as a liar, which I suspect backs up to inappropriate behavior from my father--choosing to call me a liar rather than believe what I told her.  

Not surprisingly, I made a poor choice in marriage.  I tried for 23 years to make the marriage work through lies, other women, years of emotional abuse, threatened physical abuse, hiding credit cards and debt from me, and finally racking up huge debt on my personal credit card.

My family of origin has all the hallmarks of an alcoholic family, including the stereotypical children's roles.  I have a sibling who at the age of 50, still goes into rages and melt downs.  I have come to understand that I am very much their scapegoat, and finally cut contact when I saw that standing up for myself got me nowhere.
 
I am hearing from other people now the stories that are being told about me both by my family of origin and by my ex-husband--that I make things up, that I have a parade of men in and out of the house in front of the kids.  These things are not even remotely true.  But they've affected my relationships with my extended family, my nieces and nephews, and my older children.  Naturally, hearing such things from all sides, from my parents, siblings, and their dad--they believe there is something very wrong with me.  This, of course, affects their respect toward me.

I also have two children with ADHD and autism.  Not only do I spend a great deal of time taking calls from their teachers, going to their school to deal with their behavior, filling out forms for evaluations, going to meetings, etc., on top of two part time jobs, but I have had comments from my family of origin about how I'm a failure as a parent.  I'm well aware they tell people this.  I also get a distinct attitude from a couple of my older kids about how I should handle these two.  

I am beginning to lose faith.  I have spent the last 26 years, since my oldest was born, trying to live my faith devoutly and to live for God.  I have spent years saying the Rosary with my children, fasting weekly, going to perpetual adoration, you name it.  I understand that God does not owe me anything in return for all of this.  And yet I feel absolutely crushed by the weight of this tide against me, I feel very alone.  I feel unable to do anything to stop these things.  I'm losing my children despite my every attempt to live well and faithfully.

I have lost all hope that I will ever have a circle of loving people around me.  I feel utterly alone.  It seems that the last ten years have been one crisis after another, and I've handled virtually all of it not only on my own, but with my family and husband throwing rocks at me.

At the same time, I see people around me living lives of the utmost hedonism, even people who are swingers and use drugs, and they seem surrounded by loving friends and family, and beautiful, well-behaved, accomplished children and to have happy marriages.

I have never doubted God's existence, but I often wonder what I did to Him to make Him hate me so much.  I didn't deserve to be called a liar for my father's sins.  I struggle to see any point in prayer.  I've been praying for 26 years, fasting, Rosaries, novenas, even pilgrimages, yet my family situation just keeps getting worse and worse.  

My mother walks by me in church and at stores and won't acknowledge me.  My father's last communication with me was a string of vulgar insults and threats, followed by a letter telling me what a wonderful father he has been and what a terrible daughter and mother I am.  My ex husband is telling people that I am parading men in front of my kids, which is not true at all--but people are believing this of me.

I know that prayer is supposed to change me, if nothing else, but at this point, I just don't know what's left to change.  What more does God want of me from prayer?  I simply cannot stand up to all of this anymore.

I think about killing myself, because I just can't stand up to this anymore.  I'm to the point where I doubt it matters if I go to hell for killing myself because I'm losing my faith and ready to turn against God and will end up in hell, anyway.

The bizarre irony of all of this is that I know people have been inspired by my faith.  One man is currently in RCIA because he sees something beautiful in how I live my life.  A good friend returned to God because of me.  People outside of my family like and respect me.  I have professional accomplishments.

And yet I have felt so incredibly alone for so long, I just can't take it anymore.  How do I keep my faith when it seems the last 26 years have been one crisis after another and I'm all alone and things only keep getting worse instead of better?

My advice?  Run!  Run away.  Reboot.  Start over without your family of origin.  

If you feel like a foreigner in your own land, then just go to a "foreign land" where your situation will then make sense.  In that regard, if you feel like an outsider, it will be because you ARE an outsider, and not because you're surrounded by a coven of manipulative blind family members who want to tear at you every chance they get.  

If you are in Pennsylvania, move to Colorado.  If you are in California, move to Indianna.  

Just get out.  Start over.  Starting over is difficult psychologically, physically, and financially, but just make the sacrifice and do it.  You will be so glad you did.  

And when you do this, keep your faith.  God is not causing these people to do this to you.  God gave your family of origin free will, and they use it to choose to treat you this way.  Sometimes your life is what you make of it.  

Run.  That is what I recommend.  Turn off your Facebook when you do it.  Get a new phone number when you leave.  Don't look back.  Do not go to family reunions or Thanksgiving dinners or what have you.  Just run for your life!  Do it, if you can.  

Changing the scenery can change your life for the better.  

LaramieHirsch, I can't go very far away because of the divorce and XH's right not to have his children taken too far from him.  It's part of why I feel so incredibly stuck.  I already stay away from my family of origin (on the advice of devout Catholics at another forum on knowing many more details of what has gone one), and that's part of why they're so angry at me.

Then let them be angry, and don't let yourself get affected by their irrational rage.  People like to gossip and talk bad about other people.  And if you have a target painted on you, groupthink takes over, and everyone wants to tear off a piece.  They're all a bunch of zombies.  

Dismiss your critical family, pay attention to your faith, do your best with your kids, and that's all you can do.  If your family is being snarky about how you live your life, blow them off and do something you want to do.  If they insult you, be sure to smile with a smirk in return and send them off.  Life is too short to get bogged down by a bucket of crabs.

Quote from: LaramieHirsch

Then let them be angry, and don't let yourself get affected by their irrational rage.  People like to gossip and talk bad about other people.  And if you have a target painted on you, groupthink takes over, and everyone wants to tear off a piece.  They're all a bunch of zombies.  

Dismiss your critical family, pay attention to your faith, do your best with your kids, and that's all you can do.  If your family is being snarky about how you live your life, blow them off and do something you want to do.  If they insult you, be sure to smile with a smirk in return and send them off.  Life is too short to get bogged down by a bucket of crabs.

That's exactly what I've been doing, and it's worked well.  This past week has just been extremely difficult for a number of reasons.

I think nothing they do would matter to me at all, except for the fear that they are eating away at my relationships with my kids, who believe at least some of it.  

If you are truly being a good person--if you are truly being faithful to God--if you are truly being a loving, generous person who is right in what you do, then they will eventually see it before the end.  They might have a period in life where they reject you, but they will come out on the other end and see who you are.  

For now, because they are young and don't know better, they are easily blinded and easily fooled.  But in time, they may see.  You've got to look at the long term in your case.  The immediate time may be painful and aggrivating, but you'll just have to see beyond it.  Look at things in a longer-term perspective than everyone else, and you will find more peace.

Dear Striving, please don't think God hates you when He allows some Cross in your life. For many saintly souls, life was an uninterrupted series of Crosses. This may seem strange, but some people are called to a sort of white martyrdom, to spiritual victimhood, not because God hates them, but precisely because He has a special love for them, and wishes to give them a great crown in heaven, like Job. Whenever you are going through some trial in your life, ask God to strengthen you to bear it, or to remove the trial altogether, if it is His will. I know by experience the good God will give you abundant grace, strength and consolation if He wills to allow it to persist for a while longer, or He will surely take it away in time. Remember also that the slightest pains of hell exceeds all the pains of this present life, that even a moment's experience of the bliss of heaven, which lasts forever, immediately takes away and makes meaningful anything and everything we may have had to suffer here below. What you relate shows God is working in your life, and has used you to bring others back to Him. This is a precious grace God has given you, which is not given to many others. Thank and praise Him for it, and consecrate and surrender your life to the Sacred Heart through the Immaculate Heart. Ask Jesus and Mary to be with you in all things, to help you when people slander you, to comfort you when your children doubt you, to love and bless you when others hate and persecute you. Remember in the Gospel itself Jesus tells us to carry our crosses if we wish to be His disciple, to be ready to renounce even the affections of family, of husband or father, of son or daughter, for His sake. Jesus and Mary will increase your faith, hope, and love, and give you patience and perseverance to endure the sufferings you are going through. Remember, you are helping them as well, in their sorrows and sufferings, by cheerfully and patiently bearing your Cross with them.  Do never give up your prayers and faith and especially the Rosary, Satan hates and fears those who pray, and will do anything to make them give up prayer.  I will pray for you, and may God bless you.

Cantarella and Nishant, thank you for your encouragement.  I often find that at times like this, these reminders and the encouragement are really what I need.

Part of what has hit so hard this week is that one of the people I mentioned in my first post, someone living a life of utter hedonism, was someone I was seeing for two years.  He completely gave it up, of his own free will, to be with me.  He returned to his prayer life.  He even came to the adoration chapel with me one night, and I have never felt so much peace at prayer as I did that night.  I believed so much that God is calling him (I guess I still do--I saw miracles happen in his life in those two years).  Yet in the end, there were reasons I couldn't continue seeing him.  I really believed he wouldn't be able to go back to it, but he has, and with a vengeance.  I know he isn't happy, but this is the choice he's made.  We had a conversation this past week that was particularly painful.

I think this is part of what throws me into frustration, confusion, and doubt over prayer: so what was God doing those two years?  I keep reminding myself that this is not the end of the story, but it's a very painful chapter at the very least.  I know the choice was his in the end, regardless of what God wanted.  But it's still hard to fathom that he would make so many changes--he himself made those decisions, without being asked and told me he had stopped--and then turn back.

Striving, people care about you.  Just look at the responses to your initial cry for help from people you don't know.  Big world out there but you just don't see, yet, the hope and love that is out there for you.  

You will and have received various good recommendations.  I will simply add to those others that good reading is of utmost importance.  Canterella mentioned the Book of Job.  A wonderful place to start.  

This blog might provide additional direction and encouragement in reading good Catholic books.

http://www.traditionalcatholicpriest.com/2014/12/05/the-power-of-reading-a-good-catholic-book/

Finally, on that same blog, St. Terese has encouragement in times of depression:

http://www.traditionalcatholicpriest.com/2015/01/27/st-terese-getting-depression/

Well, surely you know many Protestants and lapsed Catholics who came back to the official Church (the only Church they knew) before finding and coming fully to Tradition. I know several such people personally. I'd assumed Striving was a traditional Catholic, but maybe I'm mistaken, she can correct me.