Well, surely you know many Protestants and lapsed Catholics who came back to the official Church (the only Church they knew) before finding and coming fully to Tradition. I know several such people personally.

I'd assumed Striving was a traditional Catholic, but maybe I'm mistaken, she can correct me.

Where to even start?

I come from an alcoholic father who has physically and emotionally abused my mother (mostly emotional, verbal abuse, years of disrespect).  My mother is codependent, narcissistic, critical, angry, and depressed.  At least around me.  She has spent years viewing me as a liar, which I suspect backs up to inappropriate behavior from my father--choosing to call me a liar rather than believe what I told her.  

Not surprisingly, I made a poor choice in marriage.  I tried for 23 years to make the marriage work through lies, other women, years of emotional abuse, threatened physical abuse, hiding credit cards and debt from me, and finally racking up huge debt on my personal credit card.

My family of origin has all the hallmarks of an alcoholic family, including the stereotypical children's roles.  I have a sibling who at the age of 50, still goes into rages and melt downs.  I have come to understand that I am very much their scapegoat, and finally cut contact when I saw that standing up for myself got me nowhere.
 
I am hearing from other people now the stories that are being told about me both by my family of origin and by my ex-husband--that I make things up, that I have a parade of men in and out of the house in front of the kids.  These things are not even remotely true.  But they've affected my relationships with my extended family, my nieces and nephews, and my older children.  Naturally, hearing such things from all sides, from my parents, siblings, and their dad--they believe there is something very wrong with me.  This, of course, affects their respect toward me.

I also have two children with ADHD and autism.  Not only do I spend a great deal of time taking calls from their teachers, going to their school to deal with their behavior, filling out forms for evaluations, going to meetings, etc., on top of two part time jobs, but I have had comments from my family of origin about how I'm a failure as a parent.  I'm well aware they tell people this.  I also get a distinct attitude from a couple of my older kids about how I should handle these two.  

I am beginning to lose faith.  I have spent the last 26 years, since my oldest was born, trying to live my faith devoutly and to live for God.  I have spent years saying the Rosary with my children, fasting weekly, going to perpetual adoration, you name it.  I understand that God does not owe me anything in return for all of this.  And yet I feel absolutely crushed by the weight of this tide against me, I feel very alone.  I feel unable to do anything to stop these things.  I'm losing my children despite my every attempt to live well and faithfully.

I have lost all hope that I will ever have a circle of loving people around me.  I feel utterly alone.  It seems that the last ten years have been one crisis after another, and I've handled virtually all of it not only on my own, but with my family and husband throwing rocks at me.

At the same time, I see people around me living lives of the utmost hedonism, even people who are swingers and use drugs, and they seem surrounded by loving friends and family, and beautiful, well-behaved, accomplished children and to have happy marriages.

I have never doubted God's existence, but I often wonder what I did to Him to make Him hate me so much.  I didn't deserve to be called a liar for my father's sins.  I struggle to see any point in prayer.  I've been praying for 26 years, fasting, Rosaries, novenas, even pilgrimages, yet my family situation just keeps getting worse and worse.  

My mother walks by me in church and at stores and won't acknowledge me.  My father's last communication with me was a string of vulgar insults and threats, followed by a letter telling me what a wonderful father he has been and what a terrible daughter and mother I am.  My ex husband is telling people that I am parading men in front of my kids, which is not true at all--but people are believing this of me.

I know that prayer is supposed to change me, if nothing else, but at this point, I just don't know what's left to change.  What more does God want of me from prayer?  I simply cannot stand up to all of this anymore.

I think about killing myself, because I just can't stand up to this anymore.  I'm to the point where I doubt it matters if I go to hell for killing myself because I'm losing my faith and ready to turn against God and will end up in hell, anyway.

The bizarre irony of all of this is that I know people have been inspired by my faith.  One man is currently in RCIA because he sees something beautiful in how I live my life.  A good friend returned to God because of me.  People outside of my family like and respect me.  I have professional accomplishments.

And yet I have felt so incredibly alone for so long, I just can't take it anymore.  How do I keep my faith when it seems the last 26 years have been one crisis after another and I'm all alone and things only keep getting worse instead of better?

Quote from: PerEvangelicaDicta

Striving, you're struggling your way out of a sick lifestyle - not only your family's dysfunctions, but your own, learned in a Godless environment.  You've continued the legacy and handed it down to your children.  That must stop.
Despite your colossal mistakes, God continues to call you to be holy and - Deo gratias - you are listening.

Excuse me?  What godless environment?  What colossal mistakes?  Are you referring to my family of origin's alcoholism?   Or to the hedonist?  He left [/i]that lifestyle to see me.  I did not join him.  Or are Novus Ordo and RCIA the colossal mistakes and godless environment?   :confused1:

If my ex husband were even remotely open to seeing a priest, we wouldn't be in this position.  He was rude to the first priest we went to for counseling.  We went to a Catholic counselor, to whom he lied.  We went to Retrouvaille, where he was all enthusiastic about it, but continued right on with the e-mails and questionable friendships with other women.

ProtectorofOrder, thank you for the reminder.  I know that in the long run, these people are really not going to be happy.  But in the darker moments, it sure looks like years and years of all the good things in life for them, and can be hard to remember that's not the whole or even the true, story.

InfiniteFaith, thank you.  I know we all go through these times, and it helps to know and remember we're not alone.

If my ex husband were even remotely open to seeing a priest, we wouldn't be in this position.  He was rude to the first priest we went to for counseling.  We went to a Catholic counselor, to whom he lied.  We went to Retrouvaille, where he was all enthusiastic about it, but continued right on with the e-mails and questionable friendships with other women.