DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat
 metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and
 flings your soda across the room, splattering it against that
freshly-stained
 heirloom piece you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under
 the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and
 hard-earned guitar callouses from fingers in about the time it takes you to
say,
 'Yeouw....'

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their
 holes until you die of old age, or for perforating something behind and
beyond
 the original intended target object.

SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of
 blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor
 touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs. Caution: Avoid using for
manicures.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built for frustration enhancement.
 It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion,  and the
 more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your
 future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt
 heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to  transfer
 intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the
 conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable
 objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside
 the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and
 motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or
 1/2 socket you've been searching for the last 45 minutes.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood
 projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground
 after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle
 firmly under the bumper.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 4X4: Used for levering an automobile upward
 off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters and wire wheel wires.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known
 drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible
future use.

RADIAL ARM SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most
 shops to scare neophytes into choosing another line of work.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength
 of everything you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that
 inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite
the
 handle.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called
 a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, 'the sunshine vitamin,'
 which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside,
its
 main purpose is to consume 40- watt light bulbs at about the same rate that
 105mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the
 Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat
 misleading. The accessory socket within the base, has been permanently
rendered
 useless, unless requiring a source of 117vac power to shock the mechanic
 senseless.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under
 lids, opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your
 shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips
screw
 heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to
 convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning
 power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that
travels
 by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact gun that grips rusty bolts which
 were last over tightened 40 years ago by someone at VW, and instantly
rounds
 off their heads. Also used to quickly snap off lug nuts.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or
 bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is
 used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent
to
 the object we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of
 cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on
 contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles,
collector
 magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially
 useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use. It is also useful
for
 removing large chunks of human flesh from the user's hands.

DAMMIT TOOL: (I have lot's of these) Any handy tool that you grab and
 throw across the garage while yelling 'DAMMIT' at the top of your lungs. It
 is also, most often, the next tool that you will need after a really big
 hammer