I thought it might be good for me to write this, and hope others who suffer any loss could also tell their story from time to time.
How are you doing? What are you doing to heal your broken heart? These are common questions good people ask of me since I recently became widowed.
After thinking about it I realize what helps me are a special prayer I have compiled.
Also, yes, I talk to myself every day and yes I answer myself too! First I pray, (the above mentioned prayer) then give myself a pep talk, cry a little, and discover to my surprise so many tears in my eyes. No wonder I lost 10 lbs. since my husband passed away, all water!
I ponder the words, “till death do us part” and think about what those words really mean. The truth is; now they mean my husband was... but no longer a part of my world, he resides in another world today. A world without time, a world without me! I live in a world without him.
I can and do enjoy his memory, manly the good parts, but at times I think of our hard times together. I realize after thinking about and reliving our life over the past few months since he passed, the happiest day with my husband had to be the day he told me he would become a Catholic.
I think about the many sermons whenever I heard a priest talk about marriage, they always brought up how we must help each other get to heaven. We as partners on a journey, helping each other reach our final goal. In that sense our marriage was a success because not really knowing at the time, but looking back, God was using me as His instrument.
Today, my husband through God’s amazing grace and treasures of the Sacraments, he has been successful, he fulfilled his purpose in this world, therefore God released him to his eternity.
Although this is very sad, I realize I am no longer a part of his world, and he is no longer a part of my world.
What I must do now is seek and find God’s will for me with the time I have left here. This loneliness, insecurity, panic/grief attacks, and fear of life without him; has become a fitting reparation for my past sins. Life is truly a vale of tears and proof of God’s love. He has given me a cross, it is His will that I accept it. I will not look to family, religious or friends for comfort, because I know that only God can comfort me during this time of healing. Like my husband I must be resigned to His will, and pray that God will reveal to me what He wants me to do with the rest of my life.
When my husband was diagnosed with terminal cancer, he immediately accepted it as the will of God, he did not look for alternative medicine, a second opinion, he was never frustrated or depressed. What he did was to look at me, and began to instruct me how to run our home, pay bills, and manage household affairs. He actually had to teach me how to put gas in our car. He started to write instructions for me, and taught me things that I never had to do. He spent hours giving me direction and advice. Encouraged me to relax and thanked me for taking care of him as he slipped away. He asked me to find a simple prayer to pray daily while he was sick, and when I found one, he was faithful and prayed it daily. I had it printed on his memorial card. From day one he accepted God’s will for himself, and now it is my turn to accept God’s will. Please pray for me!