(1) When I die, I want to die like my  grandfather--who died peacefully in his sleep.   Not screaming like all the passengers in his  car." --Author  Unknown

(2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension  and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin  bottle:  "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from  children."
             --Author  Unknown

(3) "Oh, you hate your job?  Why didn't you say  so?  There's a support group for that.   It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the  bar." --Drew  Carey

(4) "The problem with the designated driver program,  it's  not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked  into doing it, have fun with it.  At the end of  the night, drop them off at the wrong  house."
             --Jeff  Foxworthy

(5) "If a woman has to choose between catching a  fly ball  and saving an infant's life, she will choose  to save the infant's life without even considering if  there is a man on base."
           --Dave Barry

(6) "Relationships are hard.   It's like a full time job, and we should treat it  like one.  If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants  to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice.There should be severance pay, the day before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."
     --Bob Ettinger

(7) "My Mom  said she learned how to swim when someone took her out  in the lake and threw her off the boat.  I said,  'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to  swim.'"
             --Paula  Poundstone

(8) "A study in the Washington Post says that  women have better verbal skills than men.  I just want to say to the authors of that study:  "Duh."
             --Conan  O'Brien

(9) "Why does Sea World have a seafood  restaurant??  I'm halfway through my fish burger  and I realize, Oh my God....   I could be eating a slow  learner."
             --Lynda  Montgomery

(10) "I think that's how Chicago got  started.  Bunch of people in New York  said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the  poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'"
              --Richard Jeni

(11) "If life were fair, Elvis would be alive  and all the impersonators would be  dead."
             --Johnny  Carson

(12) "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching  us geography."
       --Paul Rodriguez

(13) "My parents  didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned  sixty and that's the law."
           --Jerry Seinfeld

(14) "Remember in elementary  school, you were told that in case of fire you  have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest.  What is the logic in that?   What, do tall people burn  slower?"
             --Warren  Hutcherson

(15) "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many.  Monogamy is the same."
     --Oscar Wilde

(16)  "Suppose you were an idiot ... And suppose you were a member of Congress... But I repeat myself."
   --Mark Twain

(17)  "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student.  At least they can find  Afghanistan."
             --A.  Whitney Brown

(18) "Women need a reason to have sex.   Men just need a place."
         --Billy Crystal

(19) "You can say any  foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give  you a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I  never would've thought of that!'"
         --Dave Barry

(20) Do you know why they  call it "PMS"?  Because "Mad Cow Disease"  was taken.
              --Unknown, presumed  deceased