I would like to know if my Grandfather's reaction can be justified. Below I have copied my grandfather's letter to me and I would like some advice about what I may say or write to him.

A few things to know - I was brought up as a Catholic and I (was) very close to both my grandparents before this issue arose. They helped bring me up and I feel really sad about their reaction of me changing my views that God does not exist and have stopped practicing. Why can't they respect my decision and be happy for us? I feel that I am being pressurised into soomething I do not feel comfortable with just to please them. My fiancee though baptised does not practice and nor does his family. I feel more supported by them than my own (Catholic) family.

'To my dearest Granddaughter

I am writing to you now because I feel somewhat upset about the arrangements for your marriage next April.

I know that Grandma is bitterly disappointed that you have selected to have a civil ceremony as she would have liked, and as I would have too, to have seen you married in a Catholic Church, wherever that may be. In other countries people often have to be married in a civil ceremony even if they have a church wedding (and that is the case in England for Catholics as a Civil Servant has to be present at the religious ceremony – only Church of England ministers are empowered to act as the Registrar as well). My reaction has been to say that I shall not be present on the day, but Grandma, with some justification, has said that she has supported you right from your first few days of life and she won’t let you down now despite her serious misgivings.

I have heard that you have lost your faith. I find that strange because you were a regular attendant at Mass and actually acted as a Eucharistic Minister when you were at University. How the secular world could have changed you right round I cannot comprehend. I have to say that I believe the missing component in your recent church-going experience is that you have failed to give your faith structural support by being properly involved in the parish by engaging yourself in the social events of the church, and offering to be involved in whatever help the parish could be given, be it carrying out a menial task, offering to assist the priest with anything he needs help in, perhaps becoming a welcomer, church cleaner or flower arranger or merely getting to know many members of the congregation from children to old folks and particularly the priest.

I cannot believe that you think your Christian doubts have not been replicated in the minds of many brides. Nobody thinks that every couple who walk down the isle at a Catholic wedding is fully convinced beyond doubt in their faith. So often people early in the adult life feel an element of lack of conviction but that improves with age. If you get married in a Catholic ceremony you have that buffer to lean back on in hard times. The church will always offer to be a bulwark in people handling their difficulties, but it is a case of give and take – it cannot be all one-sided from the church. I feel confident that in the future, because of your background (including the Convent School, where Grandma and I enthused in paying for you to go) you will have the background which will bring you back out of the world of secularism.

An associated worry, which is perhaps even stronger than my worry about your marriage ceremony, is the situation should you and your fiance have babies. I should be horrified if they are not baptised and that cannot happen if the parent(s) doesn’t go to church or at least attend the course for baptism.

Churches nowadays expect to have six months notice of weddings so it’s not too late for you to reconsider. a church wedding – a simple one with only two witnesses if thought appropriate – can still be in place. Your faith misgivings would make it no more hypocritical than in the case of 90% of other brides.

We’ve all been through the times of doubt – every priest probably has too – and the way to overcome them is not just to opt for an easier life with the opportunity to stay in bed every Sunday morning (and Saturday and Sunday evenings are always available for Mass). Trying to put something into your faith will give you much greater strength and indeed greater happiness, particularly if you get to know a few other Catholics at the church, whether or not they are in your own age-bracket.

Still with love,

Grandpa'

  If one day I feel that you don't exist, it doesn't make you non-existant. You are there no matter how I feel.
  And if I feel that dragons exist, it won't change the fact that they don't.

  We must be careful not to be infected.

This is what I intend to write to my Grandfather - I have considered most of the views that have been posted up especially the last one.  But again I think Catholics as delusional so don't agree with them.  Though will be interested to hear if this letter would not justify my actions and whether or not you think my Grandfather's reaction will be of understanding or further disappointment?

'Dear Grandpa
I am sorry that I have hurt you with my actions and attitudes and I understand how difficult it must have been to write how you honestly feel. You showed that you care deeply for my well being, as I do for yours. I realise the decisions I have made do not line up with your deeply sincerely held belief system. But if there is one thing you showed me while growing up, is that ultimately you believe the God you worship is a God of love who will welcome sincere honest people to him. Know that the decisions I am making are based on a sincere desire for truth, and that if the God you believe in honours a sincere search for truth, all will be well with me.
I must be honest about my beliefs to you.  I no longer believe in God and I know this is tremendously upsetting for you.  I regret that you did not find this out sooner as our differences have overshadowed this supposedly happy time of being engaged.
Do you not want me to be living a life based on integrity and being truthful to myself?  I’m not helping anyone by pretending, or accommodate to your wishes. Just like the rest of us we have lives which will be filled with some disappointments. You are in control of you own life and have chosen your path, just as I must choose mine.  I hope that you can see that has not been an easy option for me. It not only took time and patience to deliberate on the issue as it is far easier to go along with the crowd and pretend to believe.
I know that you and Grandma love me deeply and of course I appreciate very much my upbringing including the Convent as I enjoyed my time and met some lovely girls.  Please do not feel that you are failing me, yourself or God as you have not.  You brought me up the way you thought had my best interests.  You have done the best you can but at the end of the day we all have to make up our minds about what religious positions we feel comfortable with.  It is my duty to do this, not yours.  We have to live with people of different race, colour, and political preference and of course those who follow different religions.  It is my understanding that Christians “love thy neighbour as thyself”.  It would be good to get involved with a community and I fear that our 9-5 jobs and commuter villages have damaged the community spirit however; it does not mean I should join a “Catholic” or “Christian” community to do good things.  There was not a lack of involvement in church activities when I decided to stop going to the University Chaplaincy.  I had been an Eucharistic Minister right up to when I left and had stayed on to most of the social events after mass.  I realised I didn’t believe and then I later decided to stop going to the Chaplaincy.
I feel that you have stated in your letter that I am letting you and Grandma down irrespective of everyone else.  I suspect your reaction to discovering my “loss of faith” is due to thinking that I have turned my back on everything I was taught and feel that I am obliged to you to adopt your religious opinions.  When we are children we tend to believe and not question what we are told as our brains are not fully developed but when grown up we start questioning things.   This best explains my behaviour.
Although I feel an obligation to do (most) things for my family, my wedding is at the very top of the list of days in my life on which I (along with my spouse) am the person whose preferences are to be considered first. It is not reasonable to ask me to change my wedding arrangement for anyone, not even for a grandparent who has done so much for me.
While I know that you only want what you think is right by asking me to marry in a church, I cannot see any value or purpose in having a Nuptial Mass.  I would be wrong to receive the Sacrament as I would only be doing it to make you and Grandma happy.  This would be a mockery of God and his Sacraments.
We have firmly decided to be married in a civil ceremony because that is what our beliefs say we should do. We do not wish to marry in a Catholic church any more than we would have wished you and Grandma to marry in a civil ceremony through the wishes of your relatives.
It is good to know that people within the church would be there in our times of need. I am confident these people would be there to help us whether we were Catholics or not, just as in Jesus's story about the good Samaritan, we too would be happy to help others whether they were Catholics, atheists, or other.
Getting married is demonstrating our connection and commitment to each other in a more serious light.  We would be legally bound to and responsible for each other and will take this relationship with the utmost seriousness.  
There is no event, no occasion, no moment in my life when so many of the people who matter to me will convene in one place as they will at my wedding.  You and Grandma are the most important people in the world to me that I would want you both there.  It would not be the same without you both to celebrate this union of two people and of two families.  While it hurts me deeply that you are considering not being part of our big day, because I love you so very much, I understand your position.  It would be unjust of me to ask you to compromise your beliefs and values to ease my feelings.  
My disclaim to the Catholic Church, none of which involve implying that it in any way, shape, or form, should be viewed as a disrespect or lack of love for to you or Grandma, merely is a different point of view.  We live in a free society and my views are mine and mine to make.  You are welcome to discuss them with me at any point.
I have become more open-minded and relieved that I am being true to myself and no one can change this.  It does not make me less of a person, I am still your granddaughter who loves you and hopes very much that you will attend the wedding.'

Not sure why you came here and posted your family issues-posting the whole letters to me seems rather personal and derogatory toward your family.

Second, this is a traditional Catholic site, so if we were hoping against hope to get validation for your unCatholic thinking, then perhaps help is truly needed.

People in the past made mistakes and poor/sinful decisions, yet you are seeking to turn to the state to "bless" your "marriage" when the state has no authority over marriage and sacrements at all. certainly not our atheistic, freemasonic nation.

Hence, sex, living together, etc will not be in line with theh one and only teaching on this matter-that Christ, through His one and onyl Church, has established that marriage is in the Church...

again, whatever sins and the like that others in your family made, that fact remains, that you are seeking that which God has not allowed, mainly "Civil marriage". Grandpa then is correct in his upset over this.
It is good you do not wish to mock God by doing that you do not belevie in, but as you note sacrements and God, then one explanation for civil religion, nor the "free society"-which again, in the USA and most places, means free to do whatever one pleases, when in fact, freedom means to do that which God tells us to do nad instructs us to do. This generic "freedom" is masonic and the fruits we see today. Freedom=Christ will, not what you mean, which is freedom=do what I want when I want where I want....

just some thoughts, will re-read your family dirty laundry and will amend or apologize if I read this wrong or am viewing this wrong....

Although it seems that you and your grandparents are part of the Novus Ordo, modernist Catholic Church, I am pleasantly surprised to read that there are still people like him in the world who are willing to stand up for what they believe.  

The idea of elders not capitulating to their children and grandchildren in the matters of faith and morals is one that is not often observed being upheld anywhere today.  

My guess is that you may have gone to college, even a "Catholic" one and promptly lost your faith.  You likely have been fed a steady diet of liberal atheistic garbage in school, on television, in music and at the movies.  All your friends and many of your family are likely very worldly and only concerned with pleasure seeking and the here and now.

But probably the biggest influence on your rejection of your Faith, is your non practicing fiance.  

I hope and pray that one day soon you can see things with the clear perspective of faith and realize what a gift your grandparent's are in your life.  Anyone can claim non belief and live a hedonistic, morally relative life .... it's easy, too easy in this world to be completely selfish.  But it takes strength and a lot of love to speak to a family member and tell them THE TRUTH and be willing to stand up to the emotional blackmail that is likely to come their way for doing so.

I wish you well ... I hope you can see how immature and self centered you are being and really how unkind you are to talk to and about your grandfather this way.

God Bless,
MrsZ

Please enlighten me Mrs Z - How am I being self centred and unkind?  You said 'it takes a lot of strength and a lot of love to speak to a family member and tell them the truth and to be willing to stand up to the emoptional blackmail'.

I agree with this statement as it applies to me not my Grandfather.  It has taken a lot of courage to stand up to what I believe is the TRUTH as all religions are a load of TRIPE.  

Anyway, how can you not see that what he is writing is him forcing his beliefs onto me and trying to guilt me into doing something I do not want to do just to please him?  How can I get married in a Church it would be a slam and a mockery to the God he believes in?

How it is being Christian to be unwilling to accept that it is my life he is interfering with and is perfectly willing to ruin the one day in my life that should be the most joyous?

Should I not be PROUD that I have a brain, be PROUD that I have the wit and the courage to make my own decisions and not some slave to a group and that I can think for myself and not become some brainwashed bimbo?

Well this is my opinion and you are entitled to yours even though I don't understand it!

Please enlighten me Mrs Z - How am I being self centred and unkind?  

by airing dirty laundry and splashing all over the net what should largely be private conversations, almost like you are making a example or something of grandpa...it is one thing to ask general questions regarding this issue, a "how should I handle this " type question, but another to be fairly new here and just throw the letter up for all to see,etc...

Whatever problems and short comings of your elders, it is rather rude to then splash it here, as if we all would applaud you, for at least your grandpa is standing on truth...

again, what was your motivation to post this? shame him? humiliate him? or seek some vain applause for yourself? you want  :roll-laugh1: that you at least have eht sense not to partake ins something you do not beleive in? oh, please!