The Cult of the Spork
Cult of the Spork, The
In-Game Link: Cult of the Spork, The
Founder: Thrashbarg
Alignment: Good
Membership Policy: Open, No Multis
Membership: 3
Karma: 35
Level: 6
Caution: The owner of this page states that it may or may not be factual and/or unbiased, and so should not be considered 'Neutral Point of View'. As such, only the creator of this page - or others, given permission - may edit it.
The Official Insignia of the Cult of the Spork
The Official Insignia of the Cult of the Spork
Contents
[hide]
1 Background
2 Why Sporks?
3 Joining the Cult of the Spork
4 Official Serious Business Concerning Stuff and Things
5 Rules
6 Allies
7 Historical Details
8 Exerpts from the Book of BOB
9 Memorable Sermons
10 Links
[edit] Background
In times of old, BOB watched over the people of Bobland, where Sporks were revered as the One True Eating utensil and were used to eat every meal, even pizza. Bob, who was ruler of Bobland, lived in an aluminum foil shack just inside the perimeter of protective paper mache fortresses. Many of the other Bobs who lived with Bob in Bobland made their livings as llama farmers or spork manufacturers. Others worked in the helicopter ejection seat test labs, or designed improvements for Bob's solar powered flashlights.
In modern times, many of the old ways have been lost. But there are still those chosen few who please BOB by making pleasing things out of duct tape and aluminum foil, and who eat their meals with Sporks as good Bobs should. And in those modern times, it is the great Prophet Thrashbarg who leads and directs the efforts of the Spork Awareness Project. In the name of BOB, all people shall be informed that Sporks are awesome and can be used to eat just about anything.
The basis for all we believe in is the Book of BOB, found here: The Book of BOB
[edit] Why Sporks?
As revealed to various prophets throughout the years, Sporks are the most Bobly of all eating utensils. They are a glorious blend of the essences of the three lesser utensils: the scoopyness of a spoon, the pointyness of a fork, and the sharpness of a knife. With a trusty warspork at your side, you can stab, slash, bash, or scoop your enemy to death.
[edit] Joining the Cult of the Spork
Anyone who is willing to accept the noble Spork into their heart is welcome in our organization, but it is suggested that new members check out the first nineteen short chapters of the Book of BOB. Members are strongly encouraged to eat as many meals as possible with Sporks.
[edit] Official Serious Business Concerning Stuff and Things
Member Ranks
Prophet
Spork Factory Supervisor
Llama Farmer
Convert
Stronghold
We have a nice place in Valhalla.
Foreign Policy
Inform everyone that sporks are awesome. If they disagree, inform them harder. If they stab you with a knife, crush them with your spork while informing them of the error of their ways and the nobility of the supreme utensil. If they are demons who eat with their claws, and therefore have no need or hope of ever using a spork, then you must crush, stab, slash, and otherwise beat the glory of BOB into their vile bodies, unless you don't feel like it.
Objectives
Convince everyone everywhere that their lives would be better if they always ate everything with sporks. Note that two sporks can be used together to replace chopsticks if necessary. This Spork Awareness Project is the primary goal of the Cult of the Spork.
[edit] Rules
Eat as many meals as possible with a Spork.
Try to tell other people how great Sporks are.
Don't attack allies (green names).
Don't attack blue names unless you really want to. Blue factions are blue because they seem to be compatible with BOB's message, but they aren't green because they haven't accepted the Spork into their lives yet. That makes them a little better than greys.
Don't be annoying. If you want to give a sermon about the virtues of the One True Utensil, try to make it funny, and don't do it in all CAPS!
Don't trust blue aliens, especially when they are pink.
See Also: the Book of BOB, Part 1, Chapter 9: The Twelve Commandments.
[edit] Allies
Holy Church of Spiderpig: Our oldest and dearest allies are the congregation of the Holy Church of Spiderpig. Long has BOB respected the honor and glory of the noble Spiderpig, and now we can work together to inform the Nexus of the utility of the spork and the might of Spiderpig.
Wardens: These guys put up wards and keep their neighborhood safe. They're really awesome.
Dunell Hills Police Department:
Imperium Romanum:
Hoodie Ninja Pizza and Subs: So good, they deliver -before- you order.
LOLCATS: BOB has a very deep and complex sense of humor.
NEVER FORGET CHICKENMAN:
The Flying ChickenHawks:
[edit] Historical Details
In the Nexus:
Brought to the Nexus by Thrashbarg on 28 February, 2008 CE
First Nexus disciple converted on 2 March, 2008 CE
Alliance with The Holy Church of Spiderpig formed in early March, 2008 CE
Stronghold first founded in Valhalla on 26 April, 2008 CE
Elsewhere:
Admiral Bob used the Glorious Warspork of Bobly Might to combat General Mayhem and his anti-spork at the dawn of the new millennium. The Glorious Warspork of Bobly Might is a mundane spork that has been imbued with the essence BOB's One True Spork, and thus possesses many supernatural powers.
[edit] Exerpts from the Book of BOB
Introduction
In the past, present, and future, there was, is, and will be BOB. Bob is the light that comes from darkness. The hope that comes from despair. The courage that comes from fear. The salsa that comes from Tahiti. Bob is everything that's good, and everything that's bad. Bob is All, All is Bob. Bob is Bob.
Chapter III: In the Beginning...
In the beginning, there was Bob. Bob, the all-powerful. First, he created sporks. A spork is a useless eating utensil. It is a blend of a spoon and a fork. The fork part is not big enough to stab anything, and the spoon part cannot hold liquid because of the holes in the fork part.
After going into hiding over his creation gone awry, Bob developed the Solar-Powered Flashlight, Helicopter Ejection Seat, Politicians, and Denny's; the name of Bob was scarred for ages. People by the name of Bob went into hiding over the shame of their master. Bobs were persecuted by Ralph for years. Then, hundreds of fleeing Bobs founded Bobland as their refugee camp.
Chapter IX: The Twelve Commandments
After witnessing the rebellion, The Great Bob decided to give Bobs everywhere some laws to live by or die horribly and painfully by in a great expanse of bloody crusades for. (See Christianity) These have become known as the Bob Commandments. A brief list follows:
1. A LLAMA IN THE HAND IS WORTH TWO IN THE BUSH
2. THOU SHALT NOT BUY THIS BOOK
3. THOU SHALT NOT TRUST BLUE ALIENS, ESPECIALLY WHEN THEY ARE PINK
4. THOU SHALL MAKE ONE HOLY PILGRIMAGE TO THE LAND OF BOB
5. THE AUTHORS OF THIS BOOK ARE EXTREMELY EVIL
6. THOU SHALT NOT USE BOB'S NAME IN VAIN
7. THOU SHALT NOT HAVE YOUR BOB AND EAT IT TOO
8. THOU SHALT EAT ALL YOUR MEALS WITH SPORKS
9. THOU SHALT SAY, "THE SIXTH SHEIK'S SIXTH SHEEP IS SICK" 10 TIMES FAST
10. THOU SHALT NOT KNOWINGST. THEREFORE, HASBEEN, CONSIENCOUSLY, HENCEFORTH, ART THOU FORSAKENESS?
12. THERE IS NO ELEVENTH COMMANDMENT.
As the newly appointed The Bob read these commandments, the people cheered; for they knew then they had 12 utterly useless rules to live by.
Thrashbarg 14
And the Great BOB spoke to them, saying:
"Behold, for thou who art faithful unto me, thy BOB, shall mine ore from the Earth, and thou shalt make of it for thyselves sporks in the image of my One True Spork, which doth hang in the expanse of sky above thee. Thou shalt employ thine sporks at every meal, and useth not any other utensil, for the spork is the one true utensil, and all others shall be abomination to thee. Spoons shall thou not use; neither use thee forks. Knives are right out. And when thou hast eaten thine meal with thy spork, give thanks unto me, thy BOB, who hast imparted unto thee the secret of the spork."
And so the people did rejoice, for given unto them was the power and the glory of the spork, and it was to be theirs for ever and ever.
[edit] Memorable Sermons
Members are encouraged to spread the word of BOB by telling others about how great Sporks are. It is especially important to inform other religious groups of how much better our beliefs are than theirs. That's what religions do, right? Here are some of the great sermons delivered to the masses:
Thrashbarg's address to the Mormons: (9 April 2008)
Oh what sad times are these when strong young men turn from the path of the One True Utensil to instead embrace magical underwear and stories of gold plates. My friends, magical underwear is not the way! BOB has but one request for his people: As he has crafted for you in all his wisdom the mighty and wonderful Spork, he does ask that we, his people, use his grand invention to eat every meal. So please, won't you try eating your next meal with a spork? It is all BOB asks. Except that he also asks that you do not trust blue aliens (especially when they are pink). But all that aside, know that when you have accepted the spork into your heart, you will be worthy to enter into Bobland, a place guarded on all sides by great paper mache fortresses and ranks of pink flying llamas. And in the Great Bobland is Bob's own aluminum foil shack, and it's light shines throughout the land as it shimmers in the sun. Oh, it is such a beauty to behold! I wish only that I could take you there, but first you must adpot the spork at the expense of the lesser utensils. You see, the spork is a masterful blend of the essensces of the three lesser utensils. It is as pointy as a fork, as scoopy as a spoon, and as sharp as a knife. A pair of sporks can even be used together as chopsticks. So you see, once you have a spork by your side, you will never need another utensil, except maybe another spork so you can do the chopstick trick. I really hope you'll think about what I've said. Perhaps one day you will realize that aluminum foil is greater than gold and that BOB's great Spork is better protection than any magic underwear ever could be.
Topic: Cult of the Spork (Read 1075 times)