I disagree with you on that 3rd tip. For one thing, OCD isn't something entirely out of a person's controll. It can be controlled to an extent, so there's no need to avoid reading about Saints. We are told to read about Saints frequently, reading about them does not at all cause people to meditate on hell very often. Even people with OCD should read about the Saints.

 It is not my opinion, it is what I saw on newadvent website and I agree with it. It said that if you are scruplous (sp?) you had better avoid writings of ascetic nature.
  OCD people are prone to scruples.

IMO, the thing that leads people astray where seeking perfection is concerned is their having a wrong idea of it.  When we read the Gospel, it is as clear as the summer sun that we are ALL called to be perfect -- it is NOT an optional thing.  Wrong ideas, however, lead to wrong actions, even when one is of very good will.

Thanks for sharing your story, MrsZ.  I read one author who said that "It is man's unhappy lot to want his misery to be shared."  I recognize this within myself and try to fight it.  But for some reason, without going so far as feeling "happy" that someone else has a parent who committed ѕυιcιdє, it does help when you hear about other people that have gone through this.  

I'm worrying about what to say at the funeral.  My uncle, an atheist, is going to say she's in a better place and trot out memories.  But right now, for me, there are no memories; my mind is frozen on the dead body.  Your choice of the word "grim" could not be more accurate.  I'm not ready to think about the good times yet.  It would feel very, very forced.

I don't really know what to think or if I'm even thinking.  I am throwing myself into the business of cleaning and selling the house, discussing religion, having long conversations and lunch sessions with Alex, anything to put some time between myself and the Friday before last.  

I am also a lot like you with the intemperate zeal.  Imagine my poor mother, already fighting against so many obstacles, having to deal with a self-righteous new convert, who had ( and probably still has ) all the flaws commonly ascribed to new converts.   I could look at all that and feel crushed with guilt.  But I prefer to think of it this way -- my mom, in all probability, never would have found the Church at all without me.  

For what I did wrong, I will beg forgiveness of God, through the intercession of Mary.  As bad as my sins are -- being rude and frustrated with my mother, as she put it, speaking to her with "disdain" -- I believe Mary, the greatest mother of all, can ask God to forgive even that.  And for what I did right, I will thank God, since it was all through Him.  

A couple days before she died when we had a good talk. I remember thinking "Wow, my voice sounds really gentle, the frustrated tone is gone, God is really teaching me more charity."  At that point I thought I'd have more time to work on myself and work on my mom.  And that God would have more time to work on my mom.  But that is not what happened.  The timing was truly unexpected, but at least we had this good conversation right before the end.  

Someone responded to my statement about this happening on a forum shortly afterward that, "May our prayers now have saved him then..."  That's helped me a lot.  I learned of this at 10 minutes to midnight on April 21st, 2008,  my grandfather, my father's father called me and told me.  He'd received a visit from the police telling him what had happened.
I proceeded to stay up the rest of the night praying the Rosary.  I can only hope that there was an intercession before the final act.  And I can only continue to remember him in my prayers for the rest of my life.  

My FIL said, "You know he's at peace now?"  I said, "No!"  I wish I hadn't been forced to talk to and tell people over the phone in the days that followed.  I had every right to have at least a few days to not have to listen to people's hollow feel-better talk.  I know that FIL meant "well" and he really is and was ill-equipped to offer any spiritual insight or wisdom, but that really frustrated me.  

There was no funeral for my father and he was cremated.  The whole thing was awful and ugly and horribly painful.  My poor grandfather had just lost his wife (my grandmother) 2 months before this,  after 68 years of marriage.  Then 18 months later, his other son died of, I think, a drug overdose.  There were no funerals for any of them .. all were cremated.  

A life without faith, without hope, is empty, tragic and devastating.

I wish you well with your mourning of the loss of your mother and in such a terrible way.  I don't know if you have siblings or a family of your own.  But this loss will continue to color many relationships and things you experience in the future.  Not only will any children you have, or children your siblings have be without a grandparent, but all will have to know and carry of the burden of knowing how she died.  I can see why people kept this type of thing secret in the past.  It's a terrible thing to have to walk this life with.  

God Bless you and Pray Without Ceasing

Thanks for the encouragement, Myrna.  You don't have to worry about me because my faith is everything to me and it puts everything into perspective.  But I do need prayers.

MrsZ said:

I can see why people kept this type of thing secret in the past. It's a terrible thing to have to walk this life with.

I do, or at least did, feel like there is a kind of stigma on me.  I found it hard to go to Church on Sunday after it happened because I thought everyone would know, and that instead of being myself I would become "the guy whose mother killed herself."  But at Church, at least, the people knew how to handle it and didn't treat me any differently.  Maybe if I was dating a girl her family would be bothered but I'm not in that situation, nor am I going to be, so...

But I will tell you, I had always been planning to eventually go to France, and that idea sounds more and more tempting now, just to make a clean break.

MrsZ said:

My FIL said, "You know he's at peace now?" I said, "No!" I wish I hadn't been forced to talk to and tell people over the phone in the days that followed. I had every right to have at least a few days to not have to listen to people's hollow feel-better talk. I know that FIL meant "well" and he really is and was ill-equipped to offer any spiritual insight or wisdom, but that really frustrated me.

I find the best way to deal with that is to just be all-business.  Even real-estate agents will say "I'm so sorry for your loss" and do that routine.  I just say "Thanks" in a flat tone and make it clear that I want to move on, and they are only too happy to oblige.  

"She's in a better place" or "She's with her friends now" are some of the whoppers I've heard.  Even the Catholics, meaning modern Catholics, don't seem to think ѕυιcιdє is any biggie.  "Mortal sin" is a concept apparently unknown to them, as is "purgatory."   They live in la-la hand where everyone floats instantly to heaven because God is nice and sweet ( which is true, except if someone rejects Him by refusing to do His will, why should they go to heaven? )  It's hard because I'm in one universe and they're in another; they are telling themselves fantasies while I'm dealing with reality.

My real hope, of course, is not that she floated off to Shangri-La instantly but that her mental illness negated the sin of ѕυιcιdє entirely, or else that she repented before death.   But that sounds harsh and medieval to others.

MrsZ said:

There was no funeral for my father and he was cremated.

Oh yeah, and almost none of the NO Catholics think anything is wrong with that either.

MrsZ said:

I don't know if you have siblings or a family of your own.

No siblings, almost no family.  I have gotten back into contact with my dad who I haven't talked to for fifteen years.  He has made a shocking transformation from atheist to full-blown Novus Ordo, to the point that he is friends with the "priest," he serves at the "altar," etc.  

But I do have some good friends, like Alex on this site, who is like my sister at this point.  And I have all these people praying for me which I'm sure is having its effect, because I am not suffering as much as I was expecting.