Author Topic: Can wifey do this? (Read 3896 times)

Alex · « **on:** April 07, 2010, 01:00:33 AM »

A close friend (a Protestant) got married and now his wife is forbidding him to have any contact with me. I had dated this friend for 2 1/2 years (never fornicating with him during our relationship) and then remained platonic best friends with him for 8 years after that (having contact through the phone only, since we both lived in different states) When he was dating his wife, she knew about our friendship but was jealous of our relationship as friends. He had told her before she married him that he was not willing to lose his friendship with me. She really could do nothing because he had known me before he met her and our friendship spanned many years. Then, when he married her, she forbade him from ever talking to me again. I know she is his wife, but she knew the condition he set concerning our friendship before he married her. It's somewhat like a woman telling her fiance that she doesn't want children but she will have to agree since he wants children but then, when he marrys her, she tells him she won't have any children (I know the morality of it is different then my situation but it is similar behavior). So, my question is: Does she have the right to do forbid him from ever talking to someone he has been friends with before he met her, has been friends with for many years, and whom she was told before marriage that he wanted to remain friends with?

Telesphorus · « **Reply #1 on:** April 07, 2010, 01:17:29 AM »

She does not have the right to demand that all contact be cut-off.

However, any contact behind her back would be wrong.

Alex · « **Reply #2 on:** April 07, 2010, 04:13:06 AM »

Quote from: Telesphorus

She does not have the right to demand that all contact be cut-off.

However, any contact behind her back would be wrong.

Well, what other way can it be but behind her back if she won't back down on this.

She is so jealous of me that she has a fit when she sees my friend doing anything Catholic (he wants to become Catholic). She tells him she doesn't want anything Catholic in her house - that is because everything Catholic reminds her of me.

Ladislaus · « **Reply #3 on:** April 07, 2010, 06:03:07 AM »

I'm afraid I'd have to say that "wifey" has every right to cut you off. He has no business continuing a quasi-intimate frienship with another woman now that he's married (physical or not). Once a person gets married, he should maintain only the most casual of acquaintances with members of the opposite sex. I think that the very fact that you refer disparagingly to her as "wifey" suggests that there's still some kind of rivalry with her in vying for his attention or affections. Keep out of his marriage.

Caminus · « **Reply #4 on:** April 07, 2010, 07:10:06 AM »

You have absolutely no business remaining on friendly or familiar terms with a married man. All purely human friendships should fill you with horror anyway.

Elizabeth · « **Reply #5 on:** April 07, 2010, 08:01:44 AM »

Yes Wifey can and should do this. Your friend belongs to his wife now.

The treasured, long-term friendship and history the two of you share has no rights whatsoever any more. You need to give it up, even if you think the right thing is to help him spiritually. It is not your place to help him in any way.

You need to cut off all contact with this man and allow him to get on with his marraige with his wife. Some day you will find a husband of your own and you will be glad you stepped back from your friend's marraige.

You're a beautiful young lady and all of your God-given gifts will be a blessing to the man you marry some day.

Alexandria · « **Reply #6 on:** April 07, 2010, 12:24:32 PM »

I second Ladislaus, Caminus and Elizabeth.

Marriage is difficult enough without you making it harder for them.

Alex · « **Reply #7 on:** April 07, 2010, 12:29:02 PM »

Quote from: Ladislaus

I think that the very fact that you refer disparagingly to her as "wifey" suggests that there's still some kind of rivalry with her in vying for his attention or affections.

No. I don't feel any rivalry with her and am not seeking to take attention away from her. I did not know that "wifey" was a belittling word.

Alex · « **Reply #8 on:** April 07, 2010, 12:31:02 PM »

Quote from: Elizabeth

You're a beautiful young lady and all of your God-given gifts will be a blessing to the man you marry some day.

Thank you for that compliment, Elizabeth. I don't want to ever get married, though.

Telesphorus · « **Reply #9 on:** April 07, 2010, 12:31:52 PM »

A wife doesn't have a right to demand that someone cut off contact with friends. He is the head of the household, it's his decision, not hers, whether or not you speak. Especially if this is a matter of his possible conversion. However, she has the right to be apprised of all contact. And such contact should be limited, of course.

Alex · « **Reply #10 on:** April 07, 2010, 12:36:22 PM »

Thank you all for the responses. I will listen to your advice.

If he separates from her in the future, can I resume contact (platonic, of course - we don't feel anything towards each other on a romantic or love level)? He was going to break it up with her but, when she got pregnant, he married her because he was afraid of losing his daughter. But the marriage has been a disaster from the very beginning (it was a already a disaster before he married her). I have a feeling he and she won't be able to keep the marriage together for very long.

Telesphorus · « **Reply #11 on:** April 07, 2010, 12:48:23 PM »

Quote from: Alex

Thank you all for the responses. I will listen to your advice.

If he separates from her in the future, can I resume contact (platonic, of course - we don't feel anything towards each other on a romantic or love level)? He was going to break it up with her but, when she got pregnant, he married her because he was afraid of losing his daughter. But the marriage has been a disaster from the very beginning (it was a already a disaster before he married her). I have a feeling he and she won't be able to keep the marriage together for very long.

You should hope that they can have a happy marriage and do what you can to avoid hurting it. You shouldn't be considering how you would keep company with him if God forbid he were to separate from her. However, if your friend wishes to become a Catholic you should help him with that.

Elizabeth · « **Reply #12 on:** April 07, 2010, 12:59:52 PM »

Nope, Telesphorus. That married guy does not need ex-girlfriends who (unintentionally) make his wife jealous, to help him become Catholic.

The head of the house has no God-given authority to threaten the marraige union. It's a species of company-keeping, and it's a sin.

Telesphorus · « **Reply #13 on:** April 07, 2010, 01:06:04 PM »

Quote from: Elizabeth

Nope, Telesphorus. That married guy does not need ex-girlfriends who (unintentionally) make his wife jealous, to help him become Catholic.

He needs someone to help him become Catholic. If she is the only one encouraging him then she should go on encouraging him.

Quote

The head of the house has no God-given authority to threaten the marraige union. It's a species of company-keeping, and it's a sin.

She doesn't have the right to forbid all contact.

SJB · « **Reply #14 on:** April 07, 2010, 01:06:07 PM »

Quote from: Elizabeth

You need to give it up, even if you think the right thing is to help him spiritually. It is not your place to help him in any way.

This is very important, IMHO. It is a trick to think that some relationship can and should remain because you may be seeking his conversion. Pray for him, and trust in Divine Providence.