Growing up in Los Angeles back in the 70s and going to a School in the height of Vatican II, I had no idea what it meant to be Catholic. Not once in high school that I even have to go to mass, I learned nothing about being Catholic, but learned plenty about what it meant to be a Buddhist!

So in my  30s I started to go back to mass, and found myself becoming interested in the history of the church, and with that I arrived into tradition. Long story real short I ended up in St. Mary's Kansas using the SSPX, then breaking away from that to the FSSP, and the next town over Maple Hill. this was in 2002.

That is when I met this priest, and had no ideal what the future had to hold! I became very ill with a mental illness, resulting in the destruction of my family, with the blessing of the pastor of the chapel. So there I was all alone in Kansas my wife and six children gone, I have been a complete mess ever since.fr. Vanderputten Took an interest in my situation, and I thought at that point we had become friends, I asked him if he would be my spiritual director he agreed!

He was very charitable towards me and helped me out a great deal, I believe he was very heroic in his charity. He bought my property  and I move back to California. And for the past five years I have had the job of taking care of my dying mother, who passed just last month.

In the duration of the past five years, we would talk on the phone and e-mail regularly. It was one of the most trying times in my life, and I felt I could rely on him for support. I told him that I was very uncomfortable going to church, and he responded by don't worry about it you do not have to go until you feel ready! I understood it as dispensation, because I was really sick and still struggle today with this illness.

Now that I'm ready to go back to the church, and have been doing so for the past month. I can see that I have to make some big changes in my life to be back in good grace. I had  stopped  contacting him for about a for about the last year. And now that I've gone back to church I have tried to contact him, and after about a month or so he returned my phone call. I asked him if he had a problem with me because I made a statement about his brother who was defrocked. Because I personally witnessed some of the behavior that got him in trouble. He indicated to me that there was no problem?

So in the process of making things right with the church I have some very difficult decisions to make, objectively speaking my lifestyle puts me outside of the church. I'm doing what I can to rectify that and make it right!

And today was quite a surprise, I had attempted to e-mail him and informed him of the changes that I am working on, to put myself back in the church. And I am shocked when I attempted to send him an e-mail and update him on the course I am taking, I've come to learn what it means to get it a 550 return the e-mail that says" recipient does not like sender" I'm completely stunned, I couldn't believe that it happened so I tried one of my other accounts and my IP :smash-pc: address has been completely banned from him and the church out in Tulsa Oklahoma I can't get in! I tried to get through  on 4 different accounts!

It's difficult to find words to express the disappointment that I am experiencing in this situation, on the phone he says everything is great
 and I told him that I was unable to get through to him on his e-mail and he said he had no idea why not, that he would be looking forward to my e-mails and our relationship was just fine! it's impossible to believe after today's experience and reading what I had read. I have no experience in blocking people in any e-mail account but I've had a big lesson today on what it's all about!

I'm going to go ahead and get along with my get on with my life and do the best I can, I just find it so shocking to be treated so unjustly by somebody that I've looked up to and admired.

I would think Priest of that caliber would have the integrity to tell somebody that their soul is in jeopardy. One of my old friends that I've met at the church heard what I was doing, and out of charity told me I was wrong and needed to change my living situation, and that is what I was doing and trying to get guidance from him.

So yes I'm still in a crisis of faith, and have learned the hard way about putting my confidence in a priest! I take my faith very seriously am prepared to make great sacrifices for my salvation. Though I already feel like I'm a pariah!

Let this be a lesson not to jump to conclusions!