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The same story on the unmentionable Traditio has a few more details in the summary, most of which members here have added in comments.
The noted satirical journal, The Onion, on March 6, 2014, published an article entitled Desperate Catholic [sic] Church Now Offering Sainthood to Anyone Who Regularly Attends Weekly Mass [sic]:
VATICAN CITY - Alerting faithful around the world to changes regarding its process of beatification and canonization, Vatican spokesman Fr. Federico Lombardi announced today that the Roman Catholic Church will now bestow sainthood on any man or woman who attends weekly mass [sic] on a regular basis. "After careful deliberation and prayer, the Church has elected to enter any believer into the Canon of Saints [sic] so long as he or she is pure of heart and shows up to mass once a week, or even three out of four times a month," Lombardi wrote in a statement distributed to all dioceses worldwide, noting that the Congregation for the Causes of Saints will promptly begin taking up the cases of any parishioner who arrives on time and stays for the whole thing. "We are also waiving the requirement that individuals be dead before attaining sainthood. As long as you take communion [sic] and stick around for a few minutes after the service, you're pretty much in. You can be patron saint of anything you want -- good health, food, music, whatever -- as long as you're sitting in that pew." Lombardi said that in addition to revising canonization procedures, the Vatican would now allow anyone who attends mass to put on the priest's vestments at the end of the service and play the church's organ if they want.
Truth is often found in humor: in satira veritas. In one paragraph The Onion has correctly perceived these facts about Bergoglio's Newchurch of the New Order:
- Attendance at the New Order service has fallen so low that Newchurch is desperate to get anybody to come to its Mess.
- Even the most regular of Newchurchers do not even attend each Sunday.
- Those who attend the invalid New Order service don't stay until the end. They take the cookie in their hand, swill the Kool-Aid, and walk out the door.
- The canonization process in Newchurch has been revised to become so ridiculous -- if it can "sanctify" even the Second Paedophile Newpope, JPII-Wojtyla, who also participated in scores of pagan rites around the world, some including excrement -- that it is now a joke, or worse: an anti-religious commercial enterprise to stimulate secular tourist traffic to Warsaw and Rome.
- Newchurch has no priesthood. Anyone can put on New Order vestments and become a pres-byter.
- Sacred Music has hit rock bottom, so that those very few who can play the organ are welcome to play Newchurch's abandoned keyboards.
The Onion missed one important point, however. Bergoglio's "Subito Santità" [Immediate Sainthood] is available only to those who populate the invalid Protestant-Masonic-Pagan New Order Mess or the Half New Order "Motu/Extraordinary" Mess of the Modernist Vatican II Council. (Traditional) Catholics are specifically excluded from Subito Santità!
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