Note the publisher...but even a satire site can see what a farce canonizations have become..

http://www.theonion.com/articles/desperate-catholic-church-now-offering-sainthood-t,35456/

Desperate Catholic Church Now Offering Sainthood To Anyone Who Regularly Attends Weekly Mass



VATICAN CITY—Alerting faithful around the world to changes regarding its process of beatification and canonization, Vatican spokesman Fr. Federico Lombardi announced today that the Roman Catholic Church will now bestow sainthood on any man or woman who attends weekly mass on a regular basis. “After careful deliberation and prayer, the Church has elected to enter any believer into the Canon of Saints so long as he or she is pure of heart and shows up to mass once a week, or even three out of four times a month,” Lombardi wrote in a statement distributed to all dioceses worldwide, noting that the Congregation for the Causes of Saints will promptly begin taking up the cases of any parishioner who arrives on time and stays for the whole thing. “We are also waiving the requirement that individuals be dead before attaining sainthood. As long as you take Communion and stick around for a few minutes after the service, you’re pretty much in. You can be patron saint of anything you want—good health, food, music, whatever—as long as you’re sitting in that pew.” Lombardi said that in addition to revising canonization procedures, the Vatican would now allow anyone who attends mass to put on the priest’s vestments at the end of the service and play the church’s organ if they want.

Ouch! The 'problem' with The Onion is that all too often their sarcastic and ironic fake news stories cut to the quick.  Ya I agree, if even The Onion has noticed the post Vatican II 'saints factory' then that is bad news indeed for the conciliar Church/sect whatever they are.

Luke

 :scared2:   can you imagine the pew warming that would happen if that were true!

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The same story on the unmentionable Traditio has a few more details in the summary, most of which members here have added in comments.



The noted satirical journal, The Onion, on March 6, 2014, published an article entitled Desperate Catholic [sic] Church Now Offering Sainthood to Anyone Who Regularly Attends Weekly Mass [sic]:

    VATICAN CITY - Alerting faithful around the world to changes regarding its process of beatification and canonization, Vatican spokesman Fr. Federico Lombardi announced today that the Roman Catholic Church will now bestow sainthood on any man or woman who attends weekly mass [sic] on a regular basis. "After careful deliberation and prayer, the Church has elected to enter any believer into the Canon of Saints [sic] so long as he or she is pure of heart and shows up to mass once a week, or even three out of four times a month," Lombardi wrote in a statement distributed to all dioceses worldwide, noting that the Congregation for the Causes of Saints will promptly begin taking up the cases of any parishioner who arrives on time and stays for the whole thing. "We are also waiving the requirement that individuals be dead before attaining sainthood. As long as you take communion [sic] and stick around for a few minutes after the service, you're pretty much in. You can be patron saint of anything you want -- good health, food, music, whatever -- as long as you're sitting in that pew." Lombardi said that in addition to revising canonization procedures, the Vatican would now allow anyone who attends mass to put on the priest's vestments at the end of the service and play the church's organ if they want.

 Truth is often found in humor: in satira veritas. In one paragraph The Onion has correctly perceived these facts about Bergoglio's Newchurch of the New Order:

 -   Attendance at the New Order service has fallen so low that Newchurch is desperate to get anybody to come to its Mess.
 -   Even the most regular of Newchurchers do not even attend each Sunday.
 -   Those who attend the invalid New Order service don't stay until the end. They take the cookie in their hand, swill the Kool-Aid, and walk out the door.
 -   The canonization process in Newchurch has been revised to become so ridiculous -- if it can "sanctify" even the Second Paedophile Newpope, JPII-Wojtyla, who also participated in scores of pagan rites around the world, some including excrement -- that it is now a joke, or worse: an anti-religious commercial enterprise to stimulate secular tourist traffic to Warsaw and Rome.
 -   Newchurch has no priesthood. Anyone can put on New Order vestments and become a pres-byter.
 -   Sacred Music has hit rock bottom, so that those very few who can play the organ are welcome to play Newchurch's abandoned keyboards.


The Onion missed one important point, however. Bergoglio's "Subito Santità" [Immediate Sainthood] is available only to those who populate the invalid Protestant-Masonic-Pagan New Order Mess or the Half New Order "Motu/Extraordinary" Mess of the Modernist Vatican II Council. (Traditional) Catholics are specifically excluded from Subito Santità!


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Except for the part where you don't have to die to be a declared saint, the Conciliar sect already does give sainthood to everyone.  I've been to two Novus Ordo funerals and, in both, the priest declared the deceased to be in heaven!

I know what you mean.  I knew a young Newpriest who spoke to my 5-year-old daughter in my presence, referring to someone who had "died-and-went-to-heaven," words he spoke without missing a beat.  He probably didn't get quite the reaction from her that he had hoped for, because she was already smarter than that.  So fortunately for him, that might possibly be one less Mt.xviii.6 violation 'hanged about his neck' since his would-be scandal fell on soil unsuitable for heresy to grow.

That happened to be on July 25th, 1996, and he was sitting at our table in the parish hall, finishing a Tuesday casual parish dinner.  I knew he was a little weak on the topic of contraception, and so I asked him if he knew this:  "Today is the anniversary of an important day -- do you remember what that is?"  He cast his eyes down and admitted he didn't know.  If he had guessed Saint James, Apostle or a long shot - St. Christopher, I would have given him credit, but he didn't even know those.  But at least he was looking at me.  Then I said, "This is the 28th anniversary of..." and paused, only to see his expression change, "...Humanae Vitae!"  

Down went his eyes again.  But this time, with a purpose.  He had begun to collect the empty dishes to clear the table, and had seemed to use that as an excuse for silence, to walk away from me, suddenly acting the busboy.  

About a year later he left the priesthood because he couldn't stay away from his girlfriend.  I saw him later at a gas station, where he was getting fuel for his speedboat and wearing flip-flops, Bermuda shorts, Hawaiian shirt, shades and a straw hat.
Very sporty.   :cool:


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