Author Topic: was it a punishment? (Read 900 times)

spouse of Jesus · « **on:** June 22, 2011, 01:02:59 AM »

There is something strange here and I am looking for a way to explain it at least to myself....
Over past 2 weeks I was thinking about my life and how my own actions spoiled everything. I even told God that I knew He hated me and just wanted to give me the faith to abuse me even the more....
Then I started envying many people. People who are younger than me but are already somebody ie. have a life of their own.
Then I logged on internet and visited my favorite persian website dedicated to Iranian women. I was reading a (cradle) catholic lady's profile in Mother's section who said that she was expecting birth of her daughter and how much fun she had. But I switched to her newer posts and read the account of sickness of her baby.
The baby had a heart tumor at the age of just two months old.....
I confess that a certain feeling of envy that was inside of me until then, somehow left me and gave it's place to feeling of relief and even joy....
I tried to recite an act of contrition so that the happy feeling might go away, but it was of no use, it was beyond my control....
That night I felt tempted against the faith and I know that I succombed to some extent. But it is too strong and disturbing to suffer such a doubt about a dogma I used to defend.
What should I do? I pray but the temptation resists. Do you think it is a punishment for what I did?

Raoul76 · « **Reply #1 on:** June 22, 2011, 01:26:29 AM »

You never listen to me. But I have noticed your tendency to despair for a while now. That is what you have to fight. It's like you're happiest when you're analyzing yourself, and then the more you analyze, you feel a kind of intellectual pride -- "Look how honest I am about myself." Instead what you should do is simply work with God to overcome your bad habits, don't even post about them, because all you're really doing is wallowing.

You may envy people who are married, or have children, so when you see that family life isn't a bed of roses, you have an impulse of satisfaction. It doesn't mean you're happy when children die. It means you're feeling happy, for once, to be single, because maybe you have avoided some suffering that way.

Soldiers, I have heard, will often feel exhilarated after killing someone. Is this because they enjoy killing? Not necessarily. What happens is that when they see a dead body, it makes them feel, on the contrary, that they are ALIVE. They are breathing, walking, seeing, hearing -- suddenly it seems like a miracle, when they consider the cold white corpse in front of them.

One commandment is not to envy your neighbor's wife. This is, of course, about envy in general. God would not have made it a commandment if humans were not prone to envy. It's the same as with lustful thoughts -- we will probably always have them, but we have to fight them. We are inherently selfish beings, only God can turn us around and make us selfless. But we are all children of wrath until we're baptized, and we always carry, to some degree, the effects of original sin.

Exilenomore · « **Reply #2 on:** June 22, 2011, 07:32:18 AM »

I want to add that feelings/passions are actions of the lower faculties of human nature, and we only sin with disordered passions to the extent that we give consent to them. The mere fact that you are tempted does not mean that you are sinning.

I do not know whether you give consent to bad feelings or thoughts, but I just wanted to mention this because some people will instantly think they have sinned as soon as they notice a temptation assailing them. And that can indeed lead to despair. It is rather so that God allows temptations to assail a person to increase his merits in withstanding them.

And if you do fall, God has provided through His Church all we need to get back on our feet.

I think it is indeed best not to post these inner struggles on a public forum, as everyone has the ability to say what he wants here and it can cause much confusion to the troubled soul.

stevusmagnus · « **Reply #3 on:** June 22, 2011, 07:55:27 AM »

One thing is for certain. God does not hate you. You can look at a crucifix and tell that is not true. Perhaps you need to change your perception of God to fit reality. A Father who loves you like a little child and who would (and did) die for you.

It is hard but I can tell you from personal experience if you stay faithful, hit confession, and keep up your conversations with Him, He will lead you to the place you need to be in life not a moment too soon. You will look back on this time as such silliness as God was planning something better for you than these things you envy all along.

PartyIsOver221 · « **Reply #4 on:** June 22, 2011, 04:08:18 PM »

spouse, no. You are one of the people on this board I really enjoy looking forward to see post, and you do have a heart of gold. God has given you this faith in order to love Him more and to also LOVE YOURSELF IN TURN. Don't despise yourself too much or else you will start to hate God as well, as it seems you may have been saying so to yourself.

You're in my prayers...

Raoul76 · « **Reply #5 on:** June 22, 2011, 05:20:19 PM »

I wish we could get spouse a confessor. She is in dire need. I think she has a tendency to wallow.

All that her original post proves is that she's a SINNER, like the rest of us, with certain disordered thoughts. The thoughts are not the problem; giving into them is the problem. If an envious thought washes over you, you simply resist it.

If you didn't know you were a sinner before, spouse, now is a good time to learn :thinking: God doesn't love you because you're perfect ( because you're not ). He loves you because He endured horrible suffering to wash your sins away. He is the only one who is perfect, while we have to be saved from ourselves through HIM. We are absolutely NOTHING. Picture a speck of dust floating near the sun and that is what we are. This is something most Catholics know intellectually but it takes a lifetime to really internalize it. Fighting pride takes a lifetime. It is pride to be disappointed in yourself when you realize you're a sinner.

The fact that you are so attuned to your disordered thoughts, as a matter of fact, is a great gift. You can't work on yourself without knowing your flaws. Many people are totally blind to their sinful impulses. God is giving you all the information you need to correspond with His will and improve.

Instead, you say He hates you. Saying that God hates you is pride, an inspiration of the devil. Do you think you know the mind of God? His ways are unsearchable. But to question His mercy is to despair, which I believe is a sin crying to heaven for vengeance.

gladius_veritatis · « **Reply #6 on:** June 22, 2011, 05:28:14 PM »

Quote from: Raoul76

But to question His mercy is to despair, which I believe is a sin crying to heaven for vengeance.

Not to be an ass, especially when replying to such an excellent post, Mike, but telling someone that despair cries to heaven for vengeance is...IMO...not the wisest way to close such a kindly-offered, helpful post, the vast majority of which I commend and appreciate.

As for you, my dear spouse, trust in God and know that many here love and appreciate you and your contributions to this site. Take it to the bank that you have been a source of inspiration to many of us over the years. Hold fast, love -- knowing you are loved by many, especially and above all the good God.

gladius_veritatis · « **Reply #7 on:** June 22, 2011, 05:47:24 PM »

Well said, Stevus. Thank you.

gladius_veritatis · « **Reply #8 on:** June 22, 2011, 06:03:37 PM »

Quote from: spouse of Jesus

Over past 2 weeks I was thinking about my life and how my own actions spoiled everything. I even told God that I knew He hated me and just wanted to give me the faith to abuse me even the more....

Well, what you "knew" is bullsh*t, my dear. Drop that useless rock.

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Then I started envying many people. People who are younger than me but are already somebody ie. have a life of their own.

Well, I am notably older than you and I am an utter failure where worldly standards are concerned -- and even, perhaps, where higher standards are concerned. Frankly, there is not much about me that can be measured by any stick that is, in any way, impressive or even worth mentioning. Drop that rock, too :)

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Then I logged on internet and visited my favorite persian website dedicated to Iranian women. I was reading a (cradle) catholic lady's profile in Mother's section who said that she was expecting birth of her daughter and how much fun she had. But I switched to her newer posts and read the account of sickness of her baby.
The baby had a heart tumor at the age of just two months old.....
I confess that a certain feeling of envy that was inside of me until then, somehow left me and gave it's place to feeling of relief and even joy....

Jealousy (if I understand, which is questionable, what you are saying) is nasty, but you are hardly the first to feel such a thing.

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I tried to recite an act of contrition so that the happy feeling might go away, but it was of no use, it was beyond my control....

Feelings, which have their place, mean NOTHING in such matters, my dearest spouse. They come and go like smoke on the mountains. Feelings, even if 'prolonged', are not sins.

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That night I felt tempted against the faith and I know that I succombed to some extent. But it is too strong and disturbing to suffer such a doubt about a dogma I used to defend.

Hoping you know I love you like a sister, I tell you: Shut up :)

In all seriousness, my good lady, your willingness to publicly air your trials gives me a solid hope that you are actually in a MUCH better position that the devil is trying to make you think. Tell that powerless, conceited jackal to go back whence he came. We are ALL tempted, strongly and sometimes daily or hourly. You, my dear, however little you are able to see it, are a valiant woman and I am grateful to be able to call you my friend.

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What should I do? I pray but the temptation resists. Do you think it is a punishment for what I did?

No. Now, go outside and enjoy the beauty of the countryside or the company of children -- and promise me you will, at all costs, be at peace.

While I have never met you face to face, I am telling you: Your innocence and fidelity always make me smile and increase my own hope, for my own wretched self and for this poor world.

God did not give the Holy Faith to a Moslem in Iran in order to punish her, but to lead her beautiful soul to the deepest, warmest recesses of the infinitely-powerful fire that burns in His Sacred Heart. As your friend, which I hope you consider me to be, I tell you: Tell your loving Jesus you are sorry for any offense you may have given Him and ask Him, full of childlike confidence, to help you be better during whatever days are left to you.

spouse of Jesus · « **Reply #9 on:** June 24, 2011, 08:14:27 AM »

I have no words to thank you as you deserve. Words fail...
But I am not as rare as you think. Actually The Authorities expressed their fear over the growth of hidden churches and muslim converts. I don't have an english source for it. But just in the city of Mashhad 200 hidden churches were discovered.
Cathinfo was a great help for me to know the faith. Because many of our converts as just confused and can't tell a catholic from a prot. Many think that salvation by faith alone is shared by all christians (as I used to think one day).
Some claim that the Bible prophecy :"I will built my kingdom in Elam." is being fulfilled.