Over past 2 weeks I was thinking about my life and how my own actions spoiled everything. I even told God that I knew He hated me and just wanted to give me the faith to abuse me even the more....
Well, what you "knew" is bullsh*t, my dear. Drop that useless rock.
Then I started envying many people. People who are younger than me but are already somebody ie. have a life of their own.
Well, I am notably older than you and I am an utter failure where worldly standards are concerned -- and even, perhaps, where higher standards are concerned. Frankly, there is not much about me that can be measured by any stick that is, in any way, impressive or even worth mentioning. Drop that rock, too :)
Then I logged on internet and visited my favorite persian website dedicated to Iranian women. I was reading a (cradle) catholic lady's profile in Mother's section who said that she was expecting birth of her daughter and how much fun she had. But I switched to her newer posts and read the account of sickness of her baby.
The baby had a heart tumor at the age of just two months old.....
I confess that a certain feeling of envy that was inside of me until then, somehow left me and gave it's place to feeling of relief and even joy....
Jealousy (if I understand, which is questionable, what you are saying) is nasty, but you are hardly the first to feel such a thing.
I tried to recite an act of contrition so that the happy feeling might go away, but it was of no use, it was beyond my control....
Feelings, which have their place, mean NOTHING in such matters, my dearest spouse. They come and go like smoke on the mountains. Feelings, even if 'prolonged', are not sins.
That night I felt tempted against the faith and I know that I succombed to some extent. But it is too strong and disturbing to suffer such a doubt about a dogma I used to defend.
Hoping you know I love you like a sister, I tell you: Shut up :)
In all seriousness, my good lady, your willingness to publicly air your trials gives me a solid hope that you are actually in a MUCH better position that the devil is trying to make you think. Tell that powerless, conceited jackal to go back whence he came. We are ALL tempted, strongly and sometimes daily or hourly. You, my dear, however little you are able to see it, are a valiant woman and I am grateful to be able to call you my friend.
What should I do? I pray but the temptation resists. Do you think it is a punishment for what I did?
No. Now, go outside and enjoy the beauty of the countryside or the company of children -- and promise me you will, at all costs, be at peace.
While I have never met you face to face, I am telling you: Your innocence and fidelity always make me smile and increase my own hope, for my own wretched self and for this poor world.
God did not give the Holy Faith to a Moslem in Iran in order to punish her, but to lead her beautiful soul to the deepest, warmest recesses of the infinitely-powerful fire that burns in His Sacred Heart. As your friend, which I hope you consider me to be, I tell you: Tell your loving Jesus you are sorry for any offense you may have given Him and ask Him, full of childlike confidence, to help you be better during whatever days are left to you.