Author Topic: Unable to leave a sinful situation (Read 2788 times)

Alex · « **on:** July 20, 2009, 05:02:57 PM »

I mentioned the following situation in another thread but got no response to my last question, so I am reposting it here. Maybe I got no response because there is really no answer to this difficult situation. Anyway, if anyone here has an answer to my question or any suggestion, it would be greatly appreciated.

SITUATION IN QUESTION:
My friend, who is in the processing of becoming Catholic, fell into temptation and met a married woman who was in the process of divorce. He got her pregnant and then, after she had a divorce, married her, and is living with her. He knew all along the Church's teaching on divorce and remarriage but did it anyway. Well, now he wants to set things straight and at least stop living in the same apartment as her since he knows she is not really his wife. However, he is anable to leave because he can't afford another apartment for himself (he is paying the rent on this apartment since she is not working and he is also in $50, 000 debt). So, it looks as if he's stuck living with her until he can at least lower his debt by half - which means it could take 2 years of his living with her.

I am afraid, however, that the longer he lives with her, the more he is putting himself in temptation. And, as time goes on, the more it will be difficult to move out because the devil will make sure that there will be situations that arise that will complicate matters and make it harder to leave. Also there is a chance that the longer he stays he will grow to love her more and then not want to leave.

(NOTE: Even when he moves out, he would still have to have contact with her because they have a child together and he wants to see his child on a daily basis if possible)

QUESTION:
Does anyone here have any advice as to how a man can leave an adulterous relationship when he can't even afford to move out and pay for a separate apartment for himself?

Telesphorus · « **Reply #1 on:** July 20, 2009, 05:06:10 PM »

I don't know what to say Alex.

It's a terrible situation.

He's going to need a lot of courage and perseverance.

MaterDominici · « **Reply #2 on:** July 20, 2009, 05:24:59 PM »

It sounds like it's HER that can't afford an apartment of her own. If he's paying the rent, it's his place, not hers.

It boils down to what's most important to him, taking care of the worldly needs of his child's mother or doing what's best for his soul. If he's more concerned about avoiding sin, he has to tell her to go.

Of course, he has the responsibility of caring for his child--paying for child care with her gone might be the problem.

I know of someone presently who goes to her ex-husband's house during the day to care for their children and then is essentially homeless after he comes home from work and she leaves. Strange situation certainly, but she has a place to go during the day and he doesn't have to worry about placing the kids in child care.

sedetrad · « **Reply #3 on:** July 20, 2009, 05:45:40 PM »

If she isn't Catholic and she never had a Catholic marriage to a Catholic husband and she is willing to convert, your friend may be able to marry her in the eyes of the Church. I could be wrong and if I am soneone from the forum please correct me.

Andrew

Telesphorus · « **Reply #4 on:** July 20, 2009, 05:52:53 PM »

Quote from: sedetrad

If she isn't Catholic and she never had a Catholic marriage to a Catholic husband and she is willing to convert, your friend may be able to marry her in the eyes of the Church. I could be wrong and if I am soneone from the forum please correct me.

Andrew

This might help:

Catholic Encyclopedia entry on Divorce

Telesphorus · « **Reply #5 on:** July 20, 2009, 05:54:39 PM »

Quote

The Catholic doctrine on divorce may be summed up in the following propositions:

In Christian marriage, which implies the restoration, by Christ Himself, of marriage to its original indissolubility, there can never be an absolute divorce, at least after the marriage has been consummated;
Non-Christian marriage can be dissolved by absolute divorce under certain circuмstances in favour of the Faith;
Christian marriage before consummation can be dissolved by solemn profession in a religious order, or by an act of papal authority;
Separation from bed and board (divortium imperfectum) is allowed for various causes, especially in the case of adultery or lapse into infidelity or heresy on the part of husband or wife.

Alex · « **Reply #6 on:** July 20, 2009, 06:21:17 PM »

Quote from: sedetrad

If she isn't Catholic and she never had a Catholic marriage to a Catholic husband and she is willing to convert, your friend may be able to marry her in the eyes of the Church. I could be wrong and if I am soneone from the forum please correct me.

Andrew

She's Protestant and is happy remaining that way.

Alex · « **Reply #7 on:** July 20, 2009, 06:24:48 PM »

Quote from: MaterDominici

It sounds like it's HER that can't afford an apartment of her own. If he's paying the rent, it's his place, not hers.

It boils down to what's most important to him, taking care of the worldly needs of his child's mother or doing what's best for his soul. If he's more concerned about avoiding sin, he has to tell her to go.

Of course, he has the responsibility of caring for his child--paying for child care with her gone might be the problem.

I know of someone presently who goes to her ex-husband's house during the day to care for their children and then is essentially homeless after he comes home from work and she leaves. Strange situation certainly, but she has a place to go during the day and he doesn't have to worry about placing the kids in child care.

She's not working since she relocated to move where his job was. She is planning a finding a job in the next couple of months but even if she works, he would then have to pay for day care for their child -which comes out to the same as him paying for the rent. So whether he pays for the apartment rent or for day care he can't afford to get his own place because of his $50,000 debt.

MaterDominici · « **Reply #8 on:** July 20, 2009, 07:35:06 PM »

Quote from: Alex

Quote from: MaterDominici
It sounds like it's HER that can't afford an apartment of her own. If he's paying the rent, it's his place, not hers.

It boils down to what's most important to him, taking care of the worldly needs of his child's mother or doing what's best for his soul. If he's more concerned about avoiding sin, he has to tell her to go.

Of course, he has the responsibility of caring for his child--paying for child care with her gone might be the problem.

I know of someone presently who goes to her ex-husband's house during the day to care for their children and then is essentially homeless after he comes home from work and she leaves. Strange situation certainly, but she has a place to go during the day and he doesn't have to worry about placing the kids in child care.

She's not working since she relocated to move where his job was. She is planning a finding a job in the next couple of months but even if she works, he would then have to pay for day care for their child -which comes out to the same as him paying for the rent. So whether he pays for the apartment rent or for day care he can't afford to get his own place because of his $50,000 debt.

It sounds like she needs to find a "second shift" sort of job. If she works evenings and weekends, they won't need child care. Plus, he won't have to worry much about the temptation to sin because they'd almost never see each other! :wink:

Alex · « **Reply #9 on:** July 20, 2009, 08:04:18 PM »

Quote from: MaterDominici

Quote from: Alex
Quote from: MaterDominici
It sounds like it's HER that can't afford an apartment of her own. If he's paying the rent, it's his place, not hers.

It boils down to what's most important to him, taking care of the worldly needs of his child's mother or doing what's best for his soul. If he's more concerned about avoiding sin, he has to tell her to go.

Of course, he has the responsibility of caring for his child--paying for child care with her gone might be the problem.

I know of someone presently who goes to her ex-husband's house during the day to care for their children and then is essentially homeless after he comes home from work and she leaves. Strange situation certainly, but she has a place to go during the day and he doesn't have to worry about placing the kids in child care.

She's not working since she relocated to move where his job was. She is planning a finding a job in the next couple of months but even if she works, he would then have to pay for day care for their child -which comes out to the same as him paying for the rent. So whether he pays for the apartment rent or for day care he can't afford to get his own place because of his $50,000 debt.

It sounds like she needs to find a "second shift" sort of job. If she works evenings and weekends, they won't need child care. Plus, he won't have to worry much about the temptation to sin because they'd almost never see each other! :wink:

She's a lawyer - there are no night shifts. He's in the military -you can't choose your shifts.

I don't know. I really see no way out of his adulterous living.

I have another friend who was living with his baby's mother. I told him to get out of there before he fell into temptation with her again. But he made the excuse that he had to be there for her since she had just had his baby. A year passed and he was still living with her because of the baby. Then, he ended up getting her pregnant again and used the excuse that she need his help and couldn't leave. Then, his financial situation made it hard for him to stop living with her. Years later, he is still in the sinful situation. I know from this how the devil always makes a person come up with excuses for the moment. They think it will only be a temporary thing and ends up that something else comes up that requires them to stay longer. Months and then years pass and then it becomes almost impossible to leave because too much time and too many complications have arisen during that time to be able to leave.

MrsZ · « **Reply #10 on:** July 20, 2009, 09:19:37 PM »

Is there any way for the woman's previous marriage to be annuled even if she does not want to convert to Catholicism? Could her marriage be annuled, and then the two of them marry again in the Catholic Church, with at least the husband confessing all of this and getting things straight? Maybe over time, the wife will convert and get things resolved. ?

Telesphorus · « **Reply #11 on:** July 20, 2009, 09:35:09 PM »

Quote from: MrsZ

Is there any way for the woman's previous marriage to be annuled even if she does not want to convert to Catholicism?

A previous marriage could be declared null, whether it was Catholic or not. Although whether it is null or not is another matter.

Quote

Could her marriage be annuled, and then the two of them marry again in the Catholic Church, with at least the husband confessing all of this and getting things straight? Maybe over time, the wife will convert and get things resolved. ?

The wife's conversion could allow for a divorce if she was unbaptized and not married in a Christian ceremony.

MrsZ · « **Reply #12 on:** July 20, 2009, 10:14:23 PM »

Thank you Telesphorous. I hope that Alex will find that information helpful .

Alex. I went back and read your previous post and saw saw the message your friend's wife sent you. And then you mentioned that you'd talked to the friend not long after getting the text message from the wife. He already wants out and doesn't know how to do it. It doesn't seem he wants to marry her at all.

I would re-emphasize being there for your friend, but let him contact you for the most part.....this situation appears it's going to get much worse before it gets better. The wife sounds kind of scary.

Your friend is going to have to deal with the consequences of his actions, even if he's repented of his sins. This is really messy, complicated, unpleasant and painful.

I'm sorry. Sometimes as much as we want to help "we" cannot save them. They have to go to Jesus and carry their Cross willingly.

Alex · « **Reply #13 on:** July 20, 2009, 10:35:08 PM »

Quote from: MrsZ

Is there any way for the woman's previous marriage to be annuled even if she does not want to convert to Catholicism? Could her marriage be annuled, and then the two of them marry again in the Catholic Church, with at least the husband confessing all of this and getting things straight? Maybe over time, the wife will convert and get things resolved. ?

I don't think her marriage would be grounds for an annulment. She left her husband because he cheated on her. Infidelity is not grounds for an annulment. Of course, the N.O. marriage tribunal would probably give her an annulment since they are going against God and handing out annulments for left and right. I would not trust telling him about trying to get an annulment because I don't trust the tribunal that doesn't even follow the Church's laws on marriage.

clare · « **Reply #14 on:** July 21, 2009, 01:46:06 AM »

It can't hurt to look into the annulment possibility. Perhaps a trad priest could give his verdict on the situation first.

I gather that not believing, at the time the marriage took place, in the indissolubility of marriage, is itself enough to invalidate a marriage, which I daresay would render a lot of non-Catholic marriages invalid.